Wedding Tactics

There is one huge area of wedding planning that I have neglected to mention, mainly because it is personal, complex and I never had a strong lead sentence with which to begin.

Marc and I sat down last night and went over our newly created Excel spreadsheet household budget. We bought a house last November and made one of our accounts joint. We both put money into it each month. Combining finances was huge. I felt more married and tied to him at that time than I think I will after a glass has been crushed and the crowd yells mazel tov at the end of the champagne toast.

For about a month after we combined accounts I didn’t know what money was technically “mine”. I had never thought of finances as “shared”. Like many other women my age, I’m in my late twenties and have worked for about 10 years, including my part-time jobs in college and I always had my own accounts and credit cards. I chose what I spent on what and when and if anyone questioned me I told them to get bent because it was my damn money. Lo, you cannot do that in a marriage. It is really crucial to understand each other’s spending and shopping habits before you combine finances or you will find yourself in many a difficult situation. For example, Marc likes to eat lunch out a lot and I like to buy a lot of books from Amazon.com.

Many times I have approached him and said something like Why did you go spend ten dollars on a damn sandwich? And when the credit card is on the higher side one month, he wonders why I needed to buy books. The end result is that these expenses are trivial and each couple must decide how much each person can spend on these little items, AFTER the mortgage and bills are paid. Some couples I know choose a dollar limit, like $100 - and if one partner plans to spend over that amount, they need to inform, not ask permission, but rather discuss with their partner the impending expense.

I highly suggest creating a budget in a spreadsheet. It is very easy to work with and change numbers around and make projections so that you know what money is available and when. You can also obtain a budget worksheet from any financial planner or financial broker. There are also some great books to work with if you are an independent type when it comes to finances. One book in particular that I recommend is Bonnie’s Household Budget Book.

Ultimately I am very thankful that we combined most of our finances before the wedding. (Which btw, is 47 days from today, ‘ya know, if you are keeping track) It really helped us get past the initial shock of not being as independent as we once were. Perhaps if I was younger and hadn’t really supported myself before I wouldn’t have had such a hard time adjusting to the loss of independence. It took me a few months to see that I gained financial security which helped me deal with the loss of control. Each couple has different issues, but all in all, you have to have a concept of what to expect from each other and from yourself.

I have gotten very comfortable with our new arrangement and I feel like that will allow us to really enjoy our first month of marriage because we will have already created working systems for our home. I can’t imagine how disappointed I might be if our first month of being married was wrought with the conflict through which we have already worked.

Other women have reported to me that the combining of assets is a huge issue at first. Many of us have worked for years and making a change from individual to team isn’t an easy step. I encourage men to be understand and comforting during this adjustment period, and also to be very forthcoming on all monetary issues. When both partners know what their financial capabilities are, they are more likely to take equal responsibility, thus, preventing an unhealthy situation.