Wedding Tactics

Sometime within the first forty-five minutes of wearing a diamond ring, the average bride realizes she needs to register for gifts. At this point, there is no wedding date, no venue, no flowers, no dress, just a ring, a question and the very decided “yes”.

Average bride will begin to mention to average groom-to-be that they need to make plans to register. Soon. Like, say, tomorrow morning.

At this point, the average groom looks at his dearly intended and realizes for the first of many times that is no longer in charge. He sighs but complies, because that is what good men do, listen and do what they are told. No?

Two months later, after a torrential period of nagging, begging and the occasional tear, the begrudging groom will oblige his dearly intended and they get in the car and joyfully-her/half-heartedly-him drive to the nearest Bed Bath and Beyond.

At the Registry counter of any department store in any-ville, America, right now, there is a man and woman about to experience exactly what I am describing.

Men - take notes!
Ladies - it really is this awesome.

After the messy red tape of a few pieces of paperwork, a store clerk will pull out a sku-gun. This is a tool vaguely resembling an actual weapon. Its purpose is to scan a sku, or UPC code and record that item to be later placed on your registry.

Groom’s eyes widen and for the first time since the moment he bought the ring, he feels control, power, choices! options! For he is wielding a mighty tool. Mightier than the electric drill.

The bride will now wander to the section of the store that is home to the much sought-after Kitchen-Aid mixer. She will read the label descriptions about the five-quart mixer and compare that to the six-quart mixer. She will debate and ask the groom what he thinks. As she notices drool on his chin, she quickly changes her question to color.

What color should we get? It only comes in black, white, orange, yellow, pea green, cobalt blue, empire red, copper, nickel, chrome, brushed steel, pearl, cinnamon and dark pewter.

Conversation ensues:

GROOM - {begins to choke on drool}

BRIDE - I think the yellow is so retro and funky, but the chrome will go with any kitchen we ever have!

GROOM - Ok.

The soon-to-be wed couple decide on the white Kitchen Aid because the groom has no taste or sense of adventure and doesn’t actually know what the Kitchen Aid IS. Also, the bride has read the How To Register Instructions and knows she can access her registry online and will soon change the color choice. She then tells her dear groom to scan the item.

“How?” he says…

Slightly annoyed at his lack of participation, bride retorts, “hold the gun and press the button until it beeps and then press enter.”

“That’s it?”

“YEAH!”

The happy bride walks googley-eyed to the bedding section to choose her sheets. For the first time in her life she can select sheets with a thread count higher than 250.

Meanwhile, the dear groom has realized the power he holds at his fingertips. He walks from one end of the aisle to the next examining every end-cap along the way stopping to add a quesadilla maker, fake boobs, condoms (Yes! Bed Bath and Beyond have these at the stores that have a health and beauty section) and a lint roller to his registry.

Half an hour later the bride emerges from the depths of the sheet collection to realize she has been talking to herself for a very long time and nothing she pointed at was zapped and recorded in her registry and then, she glances up to notice her dear husband-to-be excitedly adding two massagey-chairs and a football-themed hammock swing to the registry.

She tells her dear intended groom that they have done enough work for today and they can come back. He stutters but she grabs the gun and returns it to the clerk. The groom will excitedly talk about how fun it is to be involved and he is so glad he got to participate. The bride nods knowingly with a proud smirk.

Later that day when she checks her registry from the safety and comfort of her home computer, she learns just what the groom added to the registry, deletes the fake boobs and declares to go back to the store ALONE.

She also changes the Kitchen-Aid color to cobalt blue.