Wedding Tactics

I’ve been writing for Wedding Tactics for a full year now. When I started maintaining this site I didn’t know what it would become and how long I’d be writing. In fact, at the time, 451 Press was still just getting off the ground. In fact, its been pretty amazing watching the network grow along with my site.

My first posting discussed the differences between a marriage and a wedding. The first few months following this entry I used the planning of my own wedding as a guide for what to write about.

A few times I mentioned the issues in gaining a new set of parents and specifically, the mother-in-law.

I wrote a lot about dresses and veils and accessories.
And for a few months I had featured columns on certain days of the week, Trends on Tuesday and Traditions Thursday. I used these headlines as a means to explain traditions like the tossing of the garter.

April was a very popular month on this site. My stats went thru the roof, but that was a very popular wedding time of year. I get asked frequently about the Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, Something Blue thing. The meaning and its history are detailed here.

One of my all-time favorite posting was about what guests should wear to a wedding. I noticed during the Spring months that several clothing stores were featuring lines of dresses for wedding guests. This is a good guide to style options depending on the wedding venue.

I got married in May. Then, I started a new job in June and my postings got a bit less frequent for awhile. Meanwhile, I did profile some great summer wedding themes.

As the year went on I tried to focus on all the different issues surrounding weddings, including mens clothing, or, tuxedos and a few funny stories too, like this one about a guy who lost his wedding ring.

And, finally, the most recent repeating column, Wedding Tactics: On Location, features vendors and venues in random cities. By featuring actual wedding business providers across the nation, I hope that readers from all states will be attracted to read and follow along and also to ask questions and participate in the Wedding Tactics dialogue. The On-Location feature can be seen here, here and here. And also here.

Thanks to all the readers who made this a successful year for me and 451 Press. I look forward to another even better year here.

Happy New Year!

The minute a woman becomes a bride she starts thinking about what her something new, old, borrowed and blue will be.

The origin of this little jingle goes back to Victorian times. The “old” represents the bond to the bride’s family and her life prior to the wedding; the “new” represents the new life the couple will have together and all the happiness, prosperity and success they will share; the “borrowed” item is something loaned to the bride from a happily married woman meant to impart similar happiness. The “blue” something represents fidelity and constancy.

Some common items for each “something”:

Something New:
Your dress, your shoes, anything new that you are wearing or have just bought

Something Old:
A family heirloom piece of jewelry, wear your grandma’s earrings, or your mother’s pearls, if that is too outdatded for you, consider carrying, discreetly, a old handkerchief.

Something Borrowed:
Borrow anything, consider doubling with another category, perhaps borrow a friend’s sapphire necklace or earrings, wear a friend’s garter (extra points if it old and blue too!), borrow jewelery, borrow hair clips and pins.

Something Blue:
Blue garter, blue underwear, ask your seamstress to sew a blue ribbon inside one of the layers of your dress, wear a sapphire ring, necklace or blue stones in your hair. Or, if you are out of ideas, consider writing a special message to your husband-to-be on your stomach or leg in a blue marker.

Over the past few months, I have tried to profile some wedding traditions from around the world. I have included some that are just really bizarre and some that I hoped would be useful and idea-inspiring.

Today, I profile Argentinean wedding customs.

Weddings held in Argentina don’t typically have much of a role for the Best Man, Maid of Honor and Bridesmaids. The families are much for visible than the wedding party. Specifically, the mother of the groom and the father of the bride escourt the engaged couple down the church aisle and stand behind them throughout the ceremony.

It is also custom that the couple exchanges rings at their engagement, not during their ceremony.

The bride typically wears a white dress with a blue petticoat underneath as her “something blue”.

Argentineans like weddings. They are considered happy and fun events where there is much dancing, including the TANGO. The meal usually consists of beef and dessert typically features ice cream, or helado.

Yesterday at lunch time I went out and got my nails done. The lady doing my nails saw my engagement ring and we proceeded to discuss weddings for the next thirty minutes, as she, too, in engaged to be married in September.

It turns out, Nicki, my nail technician is Vietnamese, although, she was born and raised here in the states. She is marrying a Korean man, also, highly assimilated.

She was telling me that she is having a more traditional Vietnamese wedding, so of course, always in search of good material, I asked her to elaborate.

Her wedding will be held on a Saturday evening in September at a large Chinese restaurant. They will take over the whole venue with all of her 450 guests. (I will pause in my writing to allow for you to choke on all four hundred and fifty guests)

The restaurant will give them a special menu of food, prepared and eaten family style at large round tables, each seating ten people.

Some more specific traditions include, the groom’s mother visiting the bride’s family on the morning of the wedding and offering them two gifts. One, a special plant, representing respect; and a second gift of pink chalk, the color of happiness. Later on the wedding day, the groom picks up close friends and family on his way to the bride’s house where he presents her with jewelry, clothing and money.

It is very common for an engaged couple to seek counseling prior to their marriage. Some states are now requiring several hours of a premarital class or clergy-guided counseling in order to be granted a marriage license.

You know something? It’s probably not a bad idea.

Traditionally, when clergy, a Rabbi, Priest, Minister, etc … marry you, you spend some time with them prior to the wedding to just talk things over. They may ask you about your future career and family plans and just listen and watch you interact as a couple. Also, the person marrying you often likes to get a feel for the union they are about to be blessing. One of the major duties of all clergy members is to provide emotional and spiritual support to their congregants. Since marriage is a monumental life change usually occurring in a religious setting, or conducted by a religious leader, it is very fitting that couples seek some sort of counseling prior to the wedding day.

If you are not marrying in a state that requires this premarital counseling or, if you opt not to participate, you can take this handy little test and let your partner grade it. This is mostly for fun and entertainment – a ‘la Mad Libs. But! There is some very useful insights to be gained by taking this little test.

Each of these books is about $5.95 and available on Amazon.com and in most large book stores.

While counseling isn’t a major tradition, perhaps it should be. What do you think? Unfortunately, many marriages end in divorce, if we made counseling more of a “tradition” … perhaps it could save a few marriages and keep a few families together.

You know you are a bride when you start thinking about your something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue.

The origin of this little jingle goes back to Victorian times. The “old” represents the bond to the bride’s family and her life prior to the wedding; the “new” represents the new life the couple will have together and all the happiness, prosperity and success they will share; the “borrowed” is something loaned to the bride from a happily married woman. This item is meant to impart similar happiness. The “blue” something represents fidelity and constancy.

Here are my current ideas for my 4 somethings:

1. Something old: Carrying my grandma’s handkerchief
2. Something new: My dress, my shoes, duh!
3. Something borrowed: ???? Still searching for this one …
4. Something blue: Am wearing a ring with a sapphire that also belonged to my grandma

I suppose I will borrow an anklet from my Mom, or perhaps a bracelet. I’d love to wear a borrowed tennis bracelet. Hint Hint!! Anyone want to loan me one? The only requirement is that you are happily married. Heh.

Do you ever wonder how some wedding traditions began?

For example, have you ever heard of a Groom’s cake? Chances are, if you live in Maine or New York, you haven’t a clue as to what this extra cake thing is all about. But! If you live in Louisiana or Florida, chances are, you have already planned to have one at your wedding.

The Groom’s cake is a distinctly southern tradition.

Sometimes the cakes are very traditional and simple, others choose to take this tradition and be ultra-creative, designing cakes in all kinds of shapes and sizes to represent something important to the Groom, such as a certain sports team or hobby or even a city.

Some people say the origin is unclear, however originally, the groom’s cake was a fruitcake (BAH.) that was placed besides the Bride’s cake and late cut and boxed as a take home favor for the guests. There was and still exists a superstition that a bridesmaid should sleep with a slice of groom’s cake under her pillow to dream of her future husband.

Modern Groom’s cakes have taken on a new life. They are often chocolate to contract the white wedding cake, and they come in many designs and styles.

All of these cakes are courtesy of Fancy Cakes by Lauren is located in Dallas, Texas.

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Traditional Italian wedding receptions begin with the bridal party and guests separated for an hour for a cocktail hour. While a buffet of food is served, the bride and groom take time for photographs in a relaxed, pretty setting.

Next, the guests all gather in the main dining room. The newlywed couple is introduced, the crowd of guests cheers and they couple has their first dance. They are soon joined by the bridal party and the guest. After a good amount of dancing, people take their seats and speeches are made my family and friends and the couple receives a champagne toast.

Much food is served and the band encourages people to dance between courses. This is very European in nature … they take their time eating. They do not rush. Each menu course is savored and enjoyed. Unlike at my wedding where I absolutely predict that the pigs-in-a-blanket appetizers will be the first to go.

Finally, the Venetian Hour, a more Sicilian custom, arrives and the couple cuts the cake. In most Italian weddings, the dessert course consists of many platters of pastries, fruit, coffees and cakes.

After dessert there is more dancing, gifts are given to the couple and guests can finally leave. In parts of Italy, mostly in the south, at the conclusion of the party, guest give the couple envelopes of money and the couple returns the courtesy with a wedding favor, a small token of thanks. However, in Northern Italy, a favor is given, but no money is exchanged.

In ancient Greece, brides wore traditional veils that were yellow or red to represent fire. It was believed that this kept the evil spirits away. Diamonds were considered the teardrops of God and it was thought that they reflected the “flames of love.” If a Greek bride carries a lump of sugar on her wedding day, she is trying to assure that she will have a sweet life. She may also carry ivy, as it is a symbol of love.

On the wedding day, the groom asks the bride’s father for her hand in marriage. When he accepts, the best man accompanies the couple to the church. The best man and the Priest are in charge of the ceremony.

Gold crowns or wreaths of orange blossoms, linked by a silk ribbon are placed on the couple’s heads. For the remainder of the day, they are regarded as king and queen. In modern day Greek weddings, the crown is often made of pearls and gems.

Greek wedding receptions are huge parties that last well into the night. There is drinking and eating, music and dancing. Plates are smashed on the floor for good luck.

Traditionally, guests are served candy covered almonds as party favors.

I have thus far avoided the topic of Dads and Daughters when it comes to weddings because I am extremely close with my Dad and I’m crazy excited to have him walk me down the aisle and dance with me, but it is also a little sad because sometimes I feel like I won’t be daddy’s little girl anymore. Not that I am right now, but getting married is in itself, an historically, giving yourself to another man, or answering to another man, or just extremely symbolic that your father isn’t the main number ONE man in your life anymore.

In the past few months I have come to see that my Dad and I will also be close and nothing will change our relationship, not even me getting married, changing my last name and having a family of my own with another man. My father will be a part of this in a new way as he becomes a father-in-law and later, a grandpa.

Traditionally in most weddings, the father walks the bride down the aisle and “gives her away”. The “ownership” of a woman is quite outdated, but the tradition still stands firm because it is a romantic notion that we all like to hold onto. The idea of my father walking me down the aisle is one I have thought about for a long time. In most traditional Jewish weddings both parents walk the bride down the aisle, however, I have added a slight twist so that my brother will walk my Mom down the aisle and my Dad will walk me. I just sort of like it that way.

Many people don’t have fathers who are living, involved in their lives or weddings or they have step-fathers to whom they are very close, or perhaps even a grandfather or uncle. It should never be a point of contention of stress over who will walk you down the aisle. It is not altogether uncommon to see a bride being escorted by her father and a step-father. That moment belongs to the bride and the bride alone. She should feel free to have anyone she wants walk her down the aisle, including a mother, if that is what she chooses.

Have you ever wondered why traditional wedding cakes are several tiers high and what some of those wacky designs are actually made of?

Way way way back in time, wedding cakes were actually thrown at the bride. This was supposedly a tradition celebrating the couple’s fertility, at least according to this story in The Wedding Gazette.

Modern day tradition has been slightly modified from the horrifying sugar-coated experience of having a cake thrown at you to something far more decent, socially acceptable and simply put, cleaner. At most modern weddings the bride and groom cut the first slice of cake together and feed each other a piece. This symbolizes the support they will provide for each other throughout their many years of marriage. Isn’t this just so much nicer? Often times you will see a bride and groom smash the cake in each other’s faces which is also just tradition, but more and more, brides do not want that and *beg and plead with their husbands-to-be to NOT follow that aspect of this tradition.

Wedding cakes have become quite the show piece. They come in all colors, flavors and shapes. Sometimes they don’t actually look like a cake. A friend of mine who got married last June had a cake that looked like a stack of suitcases to go with her wedding theme of a destination wedding where most guests had to travel to Florida for the event. This creation is all cake and totally edible. And I’m getting kinda hungry just writing this entry.

Sometimes choosing a cake a little daunting because the baker is tossing out terms like “$5.00 a slice” and “chocolate ganache with marzipan flowers” which can make a novice cake connoisseurs’ head spin. I’ve listed a few common terms below to help you understand the different kinds of icings so that you can be familiar with cake terminology when you visit bakeries.

Buttercream Icing: Traditional icing. The kind you find on all grocery-store birthday cakes. It is rich and creamy and easily colored and flavored. It is used for some decorations like shells, and basket weaves. It is made with a butter base so it tends to melt in higher temperatures, so it is not recommended for an outside wedding.

Fondant: A Martha Stewart favorite … this icing is smooth and stiff, it is prepared with gelatin and corn syrup and rolled out in a flat sheet and applied to the cake. It is not as tasty as other icings but it looks very classic and sleek. It is ideal for a beach wedding because it can withstand warmer temperatures than a butter based icing.

Royal Icing: Made of a mix of confectioner’s sugar and milk and egg whites it dries to be shiny and hard and does not need refrigeration. Commonly used for decorations like dots and latticework.

Ganache: This is a chocolate icing made with heavy cream. It is very dark and has the consistency of store-bought icing in a jar. It is commonly poured over a cake for a glass-like chocolate finish and also frequently used as a filling between layers. It holds layers together very well. However, this should only be used on a cake that will remain indoors because heat and humidity cause the icing to literally, slide off the cake. Eeek!

Whipped Cream: Totally the most delicious, but also very fragile. This kind of icing isn’t common with wedding cakes because it needs constant refrigeration and wedding cakes are usually on display for a few hours during the reception.

Before you visit a bakery to choose your cake be sure to look at photo galleries online to have an idea of what you want. Most bakers can also make a cake with different size tiers depending on how many people you need to feed. Be sure to have a rough number available to tell them and also discuss with them how far in advance of the wedding day you can make size changes.

*This is one of those postings that I really hope Marc reads and GETS the hidden meaning.

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In honor of St.Patrick’s Day which is coming up in about three weeks, today’s Traditions talk will feature some goings-on at Irish weddings.

This website tells me there is one main Irish wedding tradition which states: “‘Marry in May and Rue The Day’ while another states: ‘Marry in April if you can, joy for maiden and for man’.”

The Irish are very superstitious and modern day brides have actually changed their wedding dates to avoid May and be married in April!

There is a great deal of history and folklore in Irish heritage. The Irish people I have known take SERIOUS pride in being Irish.

With a little research and planning it is possible to have a totally Irish wedding celebration from beginning to end. One specific custom is that the groom is invited to the bride’s house right before the wedding and they cook a goose in his honor. They refer to it as Aitin’ the gander. The goose is commonly served with apple-potato stuffing.

The book, The Traditional Irish Wedding is filled with tradition and folklore. It is a must-read for anyone interested in having an Irish wedding. The book discusses attire, decor, menus, recipes, music, toasts, vows and resources for finding Irish wedding gowns, tiaras and sheet music for a Celtic Mass.

A few other superstitious customs include a bride wearing a lucky horseshow. They used to carry a real horseshoe turned up so that the luck won’t spill out. This is also a bit of superstition among horse-lovers. Some Irish brides carry a porcelain horseshoe or have one made out of fabric that is worn on the wrist, sort of a’la corsage. Also, the magic hanky. Brides of all heritages often carry a special heirloom handkerchief, or give them as gifts to the Moms. In an Irish ceremony it is called a Magic Hanky. This delicate custom involves the bride carrying a hanky that has a few stitches in it and it is later used as a christening bonnet for the couple’s first baby, then once again, remove a few stitches and it can be a magic hanky for another family bride. Finally, at the reception, the top tier of the cake should be an Irish whiskey cake which is saved for the christening of the couple’s first baby.

A few omens that you might see followed or avoided at an Irish wedding:

* It is unlucky to marry on a Saturday.

* Those who marry in harvest will spend all their lives gathering.

*It was lucky to hear a cuckoo on the wedding morning.

* To meet a funeral on the road meant bad luck and if there was a funeral procession planned for that day, the wedding party always took a different road.

* The wedding party should always take the longest road home from the church.

* It was bad luck if a glass or cup were broken on the wedding day.

* It was said to be lucky if you married during a ‘growing moon and a flowing tide’

* When leaving the church, someone must throw an old shoe over the bride’s head so she will have good luck

* If the bride’s mother-in-law breaks a piece of wedding cake on the bride’s head as she enters the house after the ceremony, they will be friends for life.

This Irish proverb is ideal for any wedding ceremony, to be said, read, or printed on a program:
Don’t walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don’t walk behind me, I may not lead. Walk beside me and just be my friend.

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I must apologize now if you came here in search of some Traditions on Thursday.

I am defrosting.

My legs and my feet.

My car is stuck. In ice. In my parking space.

My mind is completely frozen and concerned that I am home from work for the second day in a row. BAH.

I keep trying to format some entry about what to do if it snows on your wedding day. All I can come up with is that if you are planning a winter wedding, be prepared, have shovels on hand, ice melter and ice scrapers. Also, have clothes set aside to wear while you are using the snow removal devices. And perhaps, plan on hiring some young men, or neighborhood boys to do the shoveling for you.

On a totally warmer note, I have a bridal shower coming up in a week and a half. I’m very excited. It’s being given for me by Marc’s aunts and my aunt. I think it will be small but at least it will be a good time. My registry is complete, and we all know a registry is a complex thing. Read the real story on a registry, here.

Marc and I have a great idea for our parent gifts. (If you are one of our parents, please stop reading. NOW. Really. STOP.)

…

…giving the parents time to think about leaving and not reading what is below.

… I was giving some thought to what we should give our parents as it is vaguely tradional for the almost-wed couple to give a few gifts at the rehersal dinner. Usually, a gift is given to all the attendants, members of the bridal party, and the parents.

I want to give our parents a little gift. I came up with the notion that we buy each of them, my mom and dad and Marc’s mom and dad a digital picture frame and we load the chip with 50+ photos of that specific family, pictures of each one of us as children, and then a few of Marc and myself together. I thought this was a great, unique and very special gift. Far more special than a Waterford crystal vase filled with Hershey’s kisses and hugs, accompanied by a note reading “Thanks for all your support, hugs and kisses, we wouldn’t be here without you.� That is not me. Or us.

Then! I started looking at prices for these so-called digital frames. HOLY HELL, they are NOT cheap, at least not from Brookstone. Then, I did some searching on Froogle.com and saw that you can get them for less than the cost of feeding five wedding guests. I think the digital frame with pictures specalized for each family is far better than, oh, say, a pair of socks that say Father of the Bride.

I happened to mention “parents giftsâ€? to my Aunt, who is very unmaterialistic and likes to tell me that I constantly flush my money away. She said that giving our parents a gift was unnecessary and a waste of money. But, I think it’s nice. Small or meaningful tokens are important, especially when given at such a special time as a wedding.

Some ideas for attendants gifts that the wedding websites are pushing aren’t so expensive, but also, aren’t too personal, such as:
A set of golfballs with wedding images on them:

I think it is important to thank the people who help you in your wedding planning, show you extensive support and love and spend their own money on traveling to your wedding. I want to give some small token gifts and few more serious “real meaning” gifts.

It isn’t easy to choose whe I get emails every other day telling me that some website has a sale on PINK MONOGRAMED FLASKS … I mean, dammit! I’m so excited, I better get seven of those now!

All this said, I think if you are going to give a gift, make it personal, and meaningful. Small gifts are nice ways to say thank you. However!! It isn’t required. The marriage license is REQUIRED, giving attendant gifts is not. See what I mean? There are a wide range of items in a wide range of prices. Do what you can and remember the end result and goal… a long healthy marriage.

A ketubah is a Jewish marriage contract. It is signed by the bride and groom and the Rabbi just before the wedding ceremony or sometimes as part of the ceremony. It explains the basic responsibilities of the husband and wife. It is also signed by two witnesses.

In a conservative or orthodox ceremony, it must be signed by men who are not related to the couple, and who are of course, also Jewish. In a reform ceremony, such as mine, it can be signed by anyone the bride and groom choose – as long as the participating Rabbi agrees. In our case, we both have one paternal uncle who will be signing as our witnesses. This is special to us because they are part of our family and we want our marriage and wedding to be very family-centric.

Historically, Ketubahs protected a woman’s rights in the case of a divorce. Ketubahs come in many different texts, orthodox, conservative and reform; some are just written in Hebrew and some Hebrew and English.

Most companies that sell Ketubahs (also spelled katubeh) allow you to personalize the information including your names, the dates, and the location of the wedding. All of this is typically calligraphied directly onto the piece of art. The basic texts to choose from, and there are gender-neutral ones for Jewish commitment ceremonies include wording about supporting, listening and encouraging your partner to grow and explore themselves throughout the marriage. My favorite line is one that references that you will work together to build a Jewish home that is filled with friends, love and openness.

The designs are absolutely endless. They are truly works of art.

Some of my personal favorites are the ones that feature trees and nature …

Another gorgeous design:


And finally … this is one is made by the artist who we have chosen for ours.