Wedding Tactics

Dear Stacy:
I hastily asked a friend to be my best man when I should have asked my brother. What sort of damage control do I need to do to un-ask my friend and what sort of role can I ask him to play instead of best man?

Yes yes. These unfortunate moments do happen: you are out with a friend, a ballgame or a bar and in the celebration of the moment you somehow ask him to be your best man. You aren’t the first person to make this decision so hastily. And now you remember DOH! your brother is your sort-of-required best man. How to tell your friend you made a mistake? Is there any amount of damage control that can make up for this grievous momentary lapse in judgment?

You should approach the situation with sincere concern and apology. Think about how you would feel if this was you in your buddy’s position. Start by telling your friend that you really want him involved in your special day but that you remembered after the fact
that you really need to have your brother as your best man but that he can be your head groomsman and you’ll be sure to give him some special tasks if he wants. Explain that the title is just a title and you hope he can be your lead man in terms of the good bachelor party fun you’ll be having.

The bottom line is that accidents happen and weddings bring out the best and worst of people. Explaining your Oops moment as just a momentary lapse in the midst of the wedding whirlwind should be enough for any understanding friend.

Be sure to include your friend a little more than you would normally just to be sure all feelings are well healed.

Dear Stacy: Should I invite the parents of those in my bridal party to the wedding? Several of the groomsmen have been friends since they were children, over fifteen years now, while I’ve only known some of my bridesmaids for about two years and I certainly don’t know their parents. I feel that if we invite some of the parents, we should invite all. Do you agree? Please help me settle this issue without any hurt feelings.

Ah. I think this issue is more common that we might expect. When you are not the one planning the wedding all of these smaller debatable issues don’t seem so crisis of the day but I know that when you are deciding who to invite and what to spend every small decision seems monstrous. So, first things first, okay?

Sometimes it is easier to think about these issues when you are slightly removed from the situation, for example, go out for a coffee with a girlfriend who isn’t too involved in the wedding and who doesn’t mind hearing you wax poetic like about your wedding woes. If your husband-to-be is supper supportive and not likely to take sides or insert his opinion, ask him to be your sounding board.

First, remember that this is your wedding, your day, your money, you invite those who you want to invite. Period. Nothing is ever really that simple, right? Next question is: Do you know these parents? If you, your financee or your parents know the parents of the bridal party member then perhaps they should be invited. If they don’t live locally, you can possible cross them off based on this fact, if you are looking to cut down on your guest list. By no means do you need to make it equal. (DO NOT THINK:Invite the mother of a bridesmaid and therefore the mother of a groomsman too?) Overall, if the parents of a bridal party member are people you want with you on your day of celebration, then invite them.

Chances are the parents of other friends will not feel at all excluded, and they still might send a congratulatory gift!

Dear Stacy: My fiancé and I are trying to pick the date for our wedding and I am having a slight dilemma. The church doesn’t have anything available this fall and we don’t want to wait until the fall of ‘09 so our next available option is May ‘09. I am not a huge fan of spring colors. I hate pastels. I love fall colors. Would it be tacky to use fall colors in the spring?

Colors are tricky and I feel your pain. There is a good solution to using out-of-season colors. Just because your wedding is happening in the Spring does not mean you must have Spring colors. Pastels can get a little tacky when overused, I agree.

I usually tend to answer a question of this nature with my typical attitude of it’s your wedding, do as you wish, but I will refrain because I think this is a rather relevant topic. My suggestion is this: Choose whatever colors you like, but use seasonal flowers. For examples, tulips in darker colors with the opposite being pastel roses in December. As long as your theme and colors flow, match and compliment correctly, your wedding will not look out of place.

You tell me that you like fall colors, so hypothetically, a deep red with gold accents. In the fall you might use roses and heavier fabrics and candles, to brighten up this display, I recommend the following: dark burgundy or red calla lilies and a gold candle in large hurricanes. This is of course, just a concept; I’m not too big on gold myself. Of course, there are brilliant oranges to consider in this color group too. As long as you don’t accent the table with leaves, you’ll be fine, instead, opt for the rose petals in the fall colors you like.

To avoid looking too “winter season� I would avoid mixing in greenery that would allude to a Christmassy-type design. Simple bouquets with the stems showing are not only modern but simple, elegant and timeless. Hence, the callas above, not the heavy bouquet on the left.

Also, be sure to carry your theme throughout the wedding, use your colors on your cake, on your tables, in the church, at the reception and it will be a complete image, rather than just punches of color that run the risk of looking out of season.

Tulips are in season in the Spring and they come in a large variety of colors and petal shapes which add texture, if that’s your thing. Here is a tulip bouquet that doesn’t scream FALL, at least not to me.

This tulip bouquet has a few strands of bear grass flowing from it, another timeless touch.

I’m not too familiar with uplighting, but if your reception room has solid walls, consider some uplighting to accent the colors and create a warmer room tone.

Dear Stacy:

My fiancée and I live in Iowa and he works in the agriculture business. This only leaves us with a few months free each year to have a wedding, namely, January and February. Since these months also tend to bring bad weather we are concerned about having our wedding during this time. Is this time of year a deterrent for guests?

The decision of when to have your wedding isn’t always an easy one. On second thought, any date you choose, be it a Friday night, a Sunday evening, a holiday weekend, whatever … can pose potential travel and logistical issues for any guest. Obviously you can’t please all of your guests and if that was your goal the wedding would never be a success.

I have written before about weddings planned for rush hour times in major cities. To answer your question, yes, a wedding planned in the dead of winter in an area that tends to have frequent snowy weather is a slight deterrent to guests especially those traveling from out of town.

However! If this is the time of year that works best for you, and it seems from your question that it does, then by all means, have your wedding when it is most convenient for you, not for the guests. Alternatively, if it is very important to you to celebrate with your guests, consider having a small marriage ceremony in the winter and a reception or party at another time during the year when the guests can make it and when you can plan ahead to set aside the time away from work.

I’ve been writing for Wedding Tactics for a full year now. When I started maintaining this site I didn’t know what it would become and how long I’d be writing. In fact, at the time, 451 Press was still just getting off the ground. In fact, its been pretty amazing watching the network grow along with my site.

My first posting discussed the differences between a marriage and a wedding. The first few months following this entry I used the planning of my own wedding as a guide for what to write about.

A few times I mentioned the issues in gaining a new set of parents and specifically, the mother-in-law.

I wrote a lot about dresses and veils and accessories.
And for a few months I had featured columns on certain days of the week, Trends on Tuesday and Traditions Thursday. I used these headlines as a means to explain traditions like the tossing of the garter.

April was a very popular month on this site. My stats went thru the roof, but that was a very popular wedding time of year. I get asked frequently about the Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, Something Blue thing. The meaning and its history are detailed here.

One of my all-time favorite posting was about what guests should wear to a wedding. I noticed during the Spring months that several clothing stores were featuring lines of dresses for wedding guests. This is a good guide to style options depending on the wedding venue.

I got married in May. Then, I started a new job in June and my postings got a bit less frequent for awhile. Meanwhile, I did profile some great summer wedding themes.

As the year went on I tried to focus on all the different issues surrounding weddings, including mens clothing, or, tuxedos and a few funny stories too, like this one about a guy who lost his wedding ring.

And, finally, the most recent repeating column, Wedding Tactics: On Location, features vendors and venues in random cities. By featuring actual wedding business providers across the nation, I hope that readers from all states will be attracted to read and follow along and also to ask questions and participate in the Wedding Tactics dialogue. The On-Location feature can be seen here, here and here. And also here.

Thanks to all the readers who made this a successful year for me and 451 Press. I look forward to another even better year here.

Happy New Year!

Thanks to Reader Andrea for asking me this question. I decided that I had enough to say about being a pregnant bridesmaid that I needed to write a follow-up entry about it.

Dear Stacy: You mentioned here that you were going to be a bridesmaid in a wedding while you were (very) pregnant…I have just found out I’ll be in two weddings at my 7 month mark and would love to hear more about your dress choice/fittings/lessons learned from the experience as a soon-to-be mom. Thanks and good luck with your newest addition!

Yes, I was in a wedding at 30 weeks pregnant. I was big. To give you an idea of my preggo shape, pre-pregnancy I was a medium build, larger busted, 5′4″ curvy but fit person. My pregnant belly is very much a big round belly all out front. I gained a little weight in my legs and arms but at the 30 week mark I wasn’t too preoccupied with it. Basically, my arms have looked fatter not pregnant. So, it was really a matter of fitting a should-be sleek gown over my not-so-sleek figure.

Here is what I suggest and what I learned … talk with the bride before hand of course and hopefully she will be understanding of your needs. Such as needing to sit more than usual or needing to much on crackers while your hair is being done. The wedding I was in was that of my closest friend and she was more worried about me than she ever needed to be … hopefully your bride will be slightly similar. I felt a little bad about being so much of a spectacle at my good friend’s wedding, but she didn’t see it that way.

I didn’t choose the dress myself, the bride did. She didn’t choose it specifically for my potential growth, but it ended up working out well. When she chose it, I wasn’t even showing at all - just bloated really. It was an empire waist gown which meant the only measurement was taken at the bust. They measured me in June when I was just at the end of my first trimester and added four inches to accommodate for any potential bust enhancements. In retrospect, they overestimated way too much. My chest didn’t grow that much, I was always, um, full-chested, but I didn’t grow drastically in size. I did go from a 34 inch bra to a 38 very early on, but I’m carrying high and I guess it was my rib cage expanding. I got pregnant at about a size 10 and the dress they ordered was a size 20!!! The bust ended up being a little too large, even though it was altered, and done well, I might add, the depth of the bust piece was larger than it should have been. However! The dress was navy which hid any imperfections that a light color wouldn’t.

I was going to wear heels … the other bridesmaids, were all taller than me and feeling so round as it was, I wanted to at least have height … but they talked me into flats at the last moment and I was really glad they did. My feet were not swollen then, but the heels would have been really not comfortable.

Oh, back to the dress issue: I would have preferred a maternity specific gown, however, at the time, I had no idea how big I would be and the bride wanted all the fabrics to be the same. I believe it was sheer over satin, or something that looked like that. And, that fabric didn’t come on the maternity styles. Many bridesmaid dress lines come also in maternity styles where you pick out a skirt (elastic waist) and the tops are what vary in coverage and style. I highly recommend trying to get a maternity dress if possible, otherwise, definitely, an empire waist — where it fits at the bust and then just hangs loosely.

I did feel large. I did feel out of place. But - I just decided to go with the flow. I wore something tight to the rehearsal dinner so it was obvious that I was pregnant and proud and that way, the next day, in the navy colored tent, I knew people KNEW I was just pregnant, not trying to shoplift a small chair under my dress.

And, finally, tips for getting through the day. At 30 weeks I had just hit the third trimester mark and I was getting tired easily again. I was worried about making it through the day without getting a headache or feeling nauseous, as I was starting to when I got overtired. So, I slept late that morning, ate well, packed some snacks and sat down as much as possible during the getting ready part. I tried to stay calm and relaxed too which helped a bit. During the ceremony, I sat a lot more than I usually would have too.

I recommend the following if possible:

1. A darker colored dress, it will hide imperfections that alterations can’t fix, will give you a slimmer line, and makes you feel a little less like a moonbeam when walking across the dance floor.
2. Flat shoes or very low wide heels
3. Don’t forget to eat and drink throughout the day.
4. Don’t be afraid to sit down when you need to — conserve your energy so you can enjoy the whole event.

As promised, I’m answering all the questions that came in as comments during the last contest. Please keep submitting ideas and questions; I will get to them all, soon. Promise!

Dear Stacy,
What are some good ideas for using items OTHER than flowers for centerpieces? It can be stressful when so many relatives have allergies, and you don’t want toasts interrupted by constant sneezing!

Some readers have been asking me lately about options for centerpieces when flowers are not a feasible option. For a variety of reasons like allergies, cost and environmental awareness, couples are opting for alternative centerpieces.

I think this is a great idea! I love weddings that implore some creativity and individuality.

If you like the look of flowers but do not want to use fresh flowers, consider silk flowers. You can make your own arrangements using silk flowers from a local craft store, or you can go higher end and have a florist make arrangements with silk flowers.

For the times when you don’t want flowers, look to your wedding location, the theme, or just something that matters to you. For example, if you are having a wedding at a ski lodge in the middle of the winter, consider covering the table with fake snow or confetti and lots of tea light candles. You don’t need one mega-sized centerpiece to make a table look attractive. On the other hand, a waterfront wedding could have a decoration of seashells, and conch shells draped in a fish net; it’s a rustic look. If the wedding couple are foodies, perhaps a centerpiece of a cookbook and kitchen gadgets like measuring cups and spoons and spatulas which can also double as favors by allowing your guests to take one item at the end of the night.

We tend to think flowers are the only classy way to have a mother-in-law-worthy centerpiece but if you just use some creativity, nothing is stupid, overdone, or mundane.

One final non-floral centerpiece idea is, and this is especially cool if this is a second marriage with blended families, place framed pictures of the family members from over the years on the tables. This will give guests something to talk about and it makes the wedding more special and more about your families.

But if your wedding doesn’t carry a specific location theme and you just want alternatives to flowers consider candles. A centerpiece of varying height candles is very attractive, romantic and it creates a warm, glowing atmosphere.

It wasn’t easy finding pictures to illustrate MY ideas, so I found a few that sort of include some of my ideas. Below you will see some images and describe what I like about them and how they are awesomely non-floral.

This is a large pillar candle inside of a glass hurricane. It is tied with a brown ribbon. This is a great use of color and inexpensive supplies. A large candle centerpiece surrounded by small votives and tea candles is a gorgeous accent to any room.

I really don’t know what I think of this centerpiece. It is unique. This is taken from a wedding where there was a bird theme. This is perfect for the couple who wants a naturalistic wedding theme. This can be made from inexpensive supplies found a craft store too. This was also taken from a fall wedding. It is seasonal, theme-based, natural and earthy.

Now, finally, one of my all time favorite decorative pieces. Bamboo. Bamboo is considered “green” and environmentally conscientious because it grows up to two feet in one day and is considered full grown in three to seven years. Quite faster than a tree. Bamboo provides clean, simple lines for a modern look.

centerpieces, flower alternatives, wedding, green, environmental, bamboo, candles, bird nest, foodie centerpiece, alternatives

Dear Stacy, How do you deal with bridesmaids that are all very different sizes? I’ll have one at my wedding who is very tall (over 6 feet) and skinny, and another that is about 5′1 and more stocky. Then I’ll have three that fall somewhere in the middle! Their jeans sizes range from 6 to 18 and their cup sizes range from A to D. Sigh. I do want to get something that they can feel happy wearing!

I totally feel your pain! I’m actually going to be a bridesmaid later this year and at that time, I’ll be 30 weeks pregnant. I will be standing next to several other bridesmaids who range from size 0-6!! I’m tellin’ ya… I have some perspective here, and some ideas that I think might help you.

I have seen pictures from weddings where the bridesmaids are all across the board in terms in sizes. Sometimes it is just sad for the girls to have to sqeeze into or be swallowed by an unflatteringly fitting dress.

Several dress makers have recently created some new options to make dressing a variety of sized women much easier.

David’s Bridal has a large line of separates for the entire bridal party. The inspiration line is pictured here. This dress option allows you to choose different tops with a varying amount of coverage and fits. Somewhere in here is a dress that is cut for every body.

The Create Your Look line allows you to choose both top and bottom. A bride chooses the color of the gowns and then the bridesmaids can purchase whichever top and skirt they prefer. There are a limited number of choices, but a larger figured woman with a a D-cup might prefer a gown with straps and a longer skirt, while a short and slender woman might want a strapless top with a shorter skirt.

David’s Bridal is also a nationwide chain allowing your bridesmaids to go in at their leisure, wherever they live and order their gown. They are also much more affordable than some of the designer dresses you will find in boutique stores.

Alfred Angelo also carries a bridesmaid dress line called Separates. These dresses can be made in different colors! I really like this dressmaker. I think they have nice gowns, bridal and bridesmaid that are attractive, well-priced and made for REAL bodies.

The main thing to look for in a bridesmaid line is SEPARATES. This allows people to choose from a variety of tops and bottoms. If your bridesmaids are more confident and comfortable on your wedding day they will most likely enjoy the day more and be smiling in your photos.

Eden Bridal has a Mix & Match line accomodating a variety of tastes and sizes.

You can also find separates for Bridesmaid gowns with Mori Lee, Alfred Sung, and Essence of Australia.

And that is only naming a few of them!

seaparates, bridesmaids, gown, wedding, bride

Dear Stacy, Would you care to discuss the ethics of a Friday evening (5pm) wedding, especially in a major metropolitan area (like Washington)? The date is special to us, but would be wrong to force our guests to drive through that traffic to get there?

Yes. No. I don’t know.

This is a tough question and I have to admit I have given it a few days of thought.

It boils down to this: What matter more to you: Having this particular wedding on this particular day and time? OR, sharing a wedding that might be at a different place and time, with our guests. If you want a guest centered wedding with extensive partying and dancing, then does the date really matter? If it matters most to have a certain sunset in a certain location at a specific time of the year, then that is your priority.

I think it is important when planning a wedding to choose a few things that matter most, and that will help the other details fall into place. For me, it was simply that I was going to be marrying Marc and that I had a bouquet that I wanted and that I got to dance with my Dad. I was very overwhelmed and emotional that so many people chose to travel for my wedding, so, I got more than what I wanted – I got it all. But, I would have been fine with it just being a few people and our marriage ceremony and my damn flowers. If you lay out your priorities, you won’t be disappointed if you stick to those goals.

I can’t give you a yes or know but I am going to be an impartial judge by pointing out of some important things to consider when planning a wedding at a potentially not so convenient time.

First of all, a Friday night wedding is a fine idea. They are not frequent but are well within reason and I would even venture to say, common, in some places where venues book up on weekend nights years in advance. Also a Friday evening is less expensive than a Saturday evening at certain venues because of demand. I’m all for finding ways to cut costs, so from that perspective, a Friday night is fine. Heck! A Wednesday afternoon is fine too if that’s what you want.

I’m not sure why you specify 5pm; does it have to begin at 5pm? Could you moved it to 7pm which is later, granted, but it does give people more time to leave work a little early, go home and change and attend your event. How crucial is this fact? Is this a top priority to you?
As I have said before, your wedding is your wedding. Would you have the same wedding if it was just you and your parents standing there watching you? Some weddings are for the couple getting married, while others are really a demonstration for the guests, a display of how much you can spend, or a chance to dazzle friends and family. What’s yours?

I have always believed that you are not forcing guests to attend at all. Just because you are inviting people to your wedding doesn’t mean they are forced to attend. Au contraire. If they choose to join you for the celebration, they chose to accept the travel, time constraints and financial responsibilities of attending, whatever that may be. If they are not comfortable accepting those facts, there is a line on the invitation allow them to send regrets.

So, let’s say you have a wedding at five o’clock in the evening on a Friday night in Washington, DC. Are your guests coming from out of town? Consider having a shuttle bus or van transport them from the hotel to the venue, this will cut down on traffic and allow the guests to enjoy the occasion rather than fight traffic and arrive, oh, err … frazzled? When people have a Sunday night wedding, guests are imposed upon to give up some of their Monday morning for travel. So, it makes sense that a Friday night wedding imposes a bit on the earlier end of the weekend, right? These are just the implications of accepting an invitation to an event.

To wrap up this non-answer, I would say this is not a matter of ethics. If you choose, for whatever reason, to have your wedding at a time that may be inconvenient for a lot of your guests, it is up to you to keep that in mind if they reply with regrets or are late for the ceremony. However, at all costs, guest should really try to arrive on time. But, if you are asking them to commute on Connecticut Avenue at rush hour on a Friday, seriously, it is a total crap shoot. Also, be kind if people tell you they aren’t able to make it. Life is busy and there are always scheduling conflicts, but if it is important to you to have a wedding in a certain way and that certain way isn’t easy for people to attend, just understand that and do what you want if that certain way really matters that much to you.

Dear Stacy,

I am trying to work out the colors for my wedding and bridesmaids. We are planning a garden by the sea ceremony and a beachside reception following. The groom wants to wear a variation of beige. I am not sure what color to dress the bridesmaids in. My gown is ivory. I have light olive skin and the bridesmaids are of a asian darker skin color, quite tanned.

I have always liked outdoor events because you can use so many of the colors already provided in nature. Just build off of the palate already provided to you.

You didn’t specify whether or not the groom wants to wear a beige tuxedo, or a suit or just a beige top. I will try to provide some options regardless of what you were thinking. When you don’t know where to begin or how to mix certain colors, consider looking at a picture of flowers or a centerpiece. Examine the colors given to you by nature.

In this photograph, the florals show a palm frawn in a light green, a blue hydrangea, some green leaves and a soft ivory flower. The stems are most likely brown too. If you were to use this palate to build a bridal party wardrobe, it might include some of the following dresses.

With this brown bridesmaid gown, I would have them carry a small bouquet of blue hydrangea, to match the pictures above. Or, alternatively, pull a color from your bouquet and set a soft floral against the brown. The flowers will really stand out and the look is quite elegant and breathtaking.

This light blue dress matches the blue hygrangea flower above quite well. To keep the image soft and outdoorsy, have the ‘maids carry a small bouquet of ivory flowers such as peonies, roses, hydrangeas, or even callas.

I really love this mossey green dress. Something about the naturalness of the color just speaks to me. Ivory looks stuning next to this color, a plus since your gown is ivory. You have a lot of options with florals because green is visible in most bouquet arrangments. I would have these bridesmaids carry a smaller and simplier version of the bouquet you choose to carry.

Groom in beige Number 1.

As you can see, I based all of these off of the bridal couple in ivory and beige. This beige tuxedo for rent only from Afterhours is very formal and looks great on most men. However, this beige suit below is pictured from a beach front wedding, and while very sharp, is a slightly more casual look.

Groom in Beige Number Two.

bridesmaid dress, beige tuxedo, beige suit, wedding, beach, green, blue, brown, ivory,

Dear Stacy, My wedding is in two weeks and all my friends and family are asking to have chores and responsibilities for the wedding day. I don’t think I actually have much for them to do because I have such awesome vendors, but I know they really want to help and Ii’m afriad they will feel bad if I don’t give them specific chores. What can I do so that everyone feel included?

I’m in this same situation right now too. I actually have assigned some small tasks to several friends. Two girlfriends are going hand out the programs, kippots and a bottle of water to each guest as they arrive at the ceremony site. A few other close friends and family has started emailing me offering to do things. The truth is, I don’t have enough chores to make everyone happy.

Be sure to thank everyone who is offering to help you. They absolutely mean well.

In case you haven’t thought about every potential thing that might need to be looked after, consider these options. Guests will undoubtedly leave their favors, ask a friend to stay after you leave and collect them. Give her a bag or basket to collect them. Depending on whether or not you have a coordinator, you might need to give your friends a timeline of the event along with a list of all of your vendor’s contact information. This way, before you arrive at the reception location, your friends can already have scoped out the place and assured that everything is in place.

If you really don’t have any specific chores for friends, tell them that everything is running smoothly and you appreaciate their concern and willingness to help, but that you really want them to enjoy the party.

Dear Stacy, I am trying to prepare my family and large bridal party for our wedding rehearsal. The rehearsal dinner is at 7pm and the actual rehearsal is at 5:30. The venues are a close drive away but we have a lot of people to coordinate. What can I do to make the rehearsal go a little more smoothly?

Ok. The rehearsal. Wow! First of all, congratulations! You are truly at the end of the wedding planning rollercoaster. You have probably spent the last nine months or so making more decisions from more options than you ever could have imagined.

To make your rehearsal go a little bit smoother, plan ahead. Discuss with your officiant and fiancée what your preferred procession is going to be. This is the basis for the rehearsal. If you are able, type out your procession, the order of who will walk down the aisle and where they will stand at the altar. Provide a copy for everyone walking down the aisle.

If you are having your wedding at a country club or restaurant, chances are there is a banquet coordinator who will lead your rehearsal if you wish. Remember, they are professionals and they KNOW weddings. You choose the procession. You choose where people will stand. Let the banquet coordinator be the Rehearsal Nazi … chances are it will go a lot more smoothly and quickly.

Also, it goes without saying, but your friends and family are going to be antsy and excited for you and will have trouble shutting up for the few necessary minutes of rehearsal. Just take charge, or ask your fiancée to do so, and explain to them that you all want to get to the rehearsal DINNER and this is just a formality that everyone needs to learn quickly so that you can start the partying.

So, make a list of important things to say to your bridal party and family. Don’t have anyone at the actual rehearsal that isn’t walking the aisle. This will keep everyone focused on the activity at hand.

Dear Stacy, I just found out that one of my bridesmaids is pregnant. My wedding isn’t until October but I’m really worried about her being able to fit into a dress and being able to stand and participate. Should I tell her she doesn’t have to do it? How can I find a dress that will fit my size 2 sister and my 7-month pregnant, size-8 bridesmaid? Any suggestions?

Ah yes. This is a classic and rest assured, you are not the only bride who has had to deal with this issue. Just like being in your twenties is a death ritualistic sentence to attend more weddings in one decade than people you will ever know in your lifetime, it is also a time when your friends begin to start having babies and growing their families.

First off, I assume your bridesmaid is a close friend, no? Talk to her. She is most likely feeling guilt and concerned about being able to there for you, so, be sure to be understanding of her situation. She most likely wants to still participate, but is also concerned about the same things you are worrying about. Will her dress fit? How will her dress fit? Will she be able to actually see her shoes?

The Dress. Once you choose your dress, talk to the seamstress at the store and find out what can be done to accommodate a growing belly. Be sure to have your bridesmaid measured and with any luck, she can order a larger dress that will have room for a belly and the rest can be altered to fit her chest and arms. In the unlikely situation that a dress can’t be made for her, consider having her wear the same color, but a different style dress. Many dress stores and designers now make dresses as separates so that people can buy a different size top and bottom. If you are really set on all your bridesmaids wearing the SAME dress, consider having her as a bridesmaid, but not walking down the aisle, that way, she can wear an alternative dress, but still participate. She could hand out programs and assist you in other ways, and not have to be so visible to all the guests.

Just be honest with your friend so that she will be honest with you about her limitations and capabilities.

Dear Stacy,

I’m a little early in my wedding planning but I have an important issue that is really stressing me out. My parents and my fiancée’s parents are very different. I am from Nebraska; my parents are career-farmers. My fiancée, ironically, was born and raised in Manhattan and his parents are NYC socialites. Both families are coming to visit us, in Washington, DC for Easter this coming weekend and we don’t know where to go for dinner or what to do with them during the day because they are just SO different. Please! Suggest something or send magic fairy dust.

Ok. Hum. Yes, this is a very valid issue and you are NOT the first bride to face this cultural gap. I do think it is rockin’ awesome that you and your fiancée are from such totally different backgrounds. Instead of focusing on the differences, celebrate the diversity that you two represent as a couple.

As far as your parents are concerned, chances are they are both very happy with their lives. They are living where they want to live, and doing what they want to be doing. They are both happy couples. So they won’t be discussing the growing season, late frost, or the latest trend on Park Avenue, but they do have you all in common. They both adore their children and are happy to see them moving along in life. Chances are they will be interested in each other and find each other’s facade to be not as intimidating as you are anticipating.

Also, stay focused on what is important. Are you talking about the wedding? Budget? Location? If so, have an outline of what needs to be decided THIS WEEKEND and what is just being put on the table for discussion. If you do not want to mention something, like, budget yet, you and your fiancée should each tell your respective parents before they arrive in town that you would like to avoid certain topics over the weekend. Most likely, they will respect your choices.

Where activities and restaurants are concerned … keep it neutral. Don’t want your Dad cheering about the Confederacy at the American History museum? Go to the Natural History Museum. Take a tour of the Capitol. Visit the Cherry Blossoms or a memorial. Try to visit places you are familiar with and you will feel more at ease and “in your own territory”.

Above all else, enjoy the time as three adult couples. This is a new time in your life. It is special, different, and full of change and emotions. Be in the moment. Don’t worry any more than you absolutely have to because it will all work out.

Dear Stacy,

I am getting married in October of 2007. One of my bridesmaids is getting married next month. I really need her to help me do some planning and picking out dresses, but I am afraid to bother her. She is really stressed with her own plans but I’m concerned that she will sort of forget about my wedding and by the time her life calms downs it might be too late to get working on my wedding. She is my best friend and I really want her involved. Any suggestions on how our weddings can co-exist?

Ah … the double wedding year. At certain times throughout your twenties you will go through years when you wish you had stock in the formal wear industry because you may have a wedding to go to each month. Alas! I assure you, there will be years when you forget the difference between a blusher and a cathedral length veil and you will thank all that is holy for this sheer joy.

But, clearly you have a busy year ahead of you. First off, congratulate your friend and offer to help her. You say you care about her and she is your best friend. Some of the planning, coordinating and stressing she is doing right now is unique to her wedding time frame and you can’t possibly understand her demands. So, ask her. Offer to be there for her because, you KNOW you will need her to do the same for you. Do for her what you would like done for you. Also, set a date perhaps two weeks or so after her wedding, when she is back from her honeymoon to sit down and do some planning. You say her wedding is in April and yours is in October? You will not be behind schedule in May or June. Yes, you will be four or fives months out at the time but that is plenty. No matter how much advance planning you do, there are things that just have to be coordinated towards the end and you will get it all done. Make notes of what you want to do so your time spent together is well directed at getting things accomplished and pay attention to your friend’s struggles, you will definitely learn about what to expect in those last few days and weeks. Good Luck to both of you! And, what should really be the motto of this blog? You’re getting married!! Okay… Breathe!

Dear Stacy,

I’ve been having bad dreams about my wedding and it is worrying me, not to mention, causing me to lose sleep. I’m dreaming that I cut off all my hair (which in real life needs to grow a little more to make my hairstyle perfect). Oh and literally, it was me who cut it off. Scary. Last night I dreamt that I left my reception and went swimming in the lake and they were looking for me for pictures and I was all wet and not dressed and no one would help me get my dress back on. What does this all mean? I’m also really afraid that I’m going to have a dream about not getting married.

Ok, hold on! Breathe. First of all, you are totally normal. Laugh at yourself and find a friend to recount all these nightmares to. Chances are you are dreaming about things that aren’t even realistic possibilities. At your reception? No one would let you leave to go swimming. So, no matter how much you want to, you won’t be able to, sorry. But, to help you not worry so much about an already-occurred dream and about potential dreams to come, keep a journal next to your bed and when you wake up, write down some notes about your dreams. If you start worrying at night that you might have another bad dream, reread what you wrote the day before and most likely, you will laugh out loud at the silliness.

Also use your dreams to your advantage, take time to make a list or journal what you are worried about, list priorities about what needs to get done a month before and a day before and the morning of, list out what tasks you are relying on others to complete, make sure you have someone else, a parent, an in-law, a bridesmaid, a sibling, who knows everyone’s responsibilities and can be your day-of schedule-nazi.

Worrying will only cause you more stress and keep you from sleeping well. Remember dreams are not based on reality. Sometimes we dream of things that seem awful familiar but they are based in total fiction. A dream is just your brain working overtime and de-stressing itself. The brainwaves get a little lost in the dark of night and cause us to have the wacky dreams that we do.

wedding nightmares, wedding dreams, wedding planning, bride, best friends