Wedding Tactics

Just as you think you have a good handle on everything, time will pass faster than you think and before you know it, you are forgetting to make phone calls and post to your blog!

I am getting married in 17 days.

Eeek!

I made my final vendor phone call today to arrange for one more damn meeting when I get into Sarasota in two weeks. It is going to be a seriously busy time for me.

One of the most crucial things you can do to make your wedding day run more smoothly is to have a schedule or what those in the industry call, an Event Flow.

I am working on mine right now.

I have wedding brain.

But, I no longer care or even remember what my centerpieces are going to look like.

On Monday night I sat up late working on some postings for this week, including a Trends on Tuesday post. Alas! I was so tired and consumed with everything else in the world that I mistyped the date to schedule my posting. Seriously folks, I do apologize.

However, this is now Wednesday and Trends on cross my mind on Tuesdays … so you’ll have a bang up Trends entry next week. Okay?

I spent a lot of time this weekend thinking about what I needed to post about in the coming days and weeks. As we get closer, and I do mean, seriously closer! Like, Holy Hell! I’m getting married in twenty-four days! I’ve spent some time reflecting back over the planning process and I have identified areas and times when I wish I had been stronger and more assertive and many times when I shouldn’t haven’t cared at all because, things really do work out in time.

It wasn’t until last weekend when we met with our Rabbi to discuss the procession of our wedding party and the ceremony. We talked about what traditions we wanted to honor and what we wanted recognized and said. It was the most calm I had been in all nine months of planning. I finally felt free to really not care, not just say I didn’t care about what the flowers looked like. The only thing that matters at the end of May 20th is that I get to marry Marc. I honestly don’t care if the tables are ugly or the food is served cold. It matters not to me. If I have guests to whom it does matter, I don’t want to be friends with them. You don’t go to a wedding to give a wedding, for that matter, to impress other people. Save your money! Buy a home!

But seriously, I felt very good to get to this point. All I really have left to do is choose a photo package, which means choosing between spending $2700 and $3500. Eeek! But, do I want 300 or 400 proof shots? Do I NEED 400? Do I need five 5×7 shots or just one 11×14? Ahhh! Decisions! However there really isn’t a “wrong” one.

I still have to write out the timeline for the day of the wedding so that I can stop telling everyone exactly where they need to be and why they need to be at the damn house, dressed at 2:30 in the afternoon.

Somehow I know it will all come together.

Somehow I know it will all work.

Somehow, it doesn’t matter too much, just take pictures, marry me, and eat cake!

I just completed my third and final planning weekend in Florida.

This weekend I got my marriage license. Basically, I COULD take it to any justice of the peace in Florida’s Manatee County and get married at any moment. Or, I will wait until May 20.

Marc got measured for his tuxedo. I had another dress fitting. We met with our Rabbi and put together our ceremony which is really nice and we are really excited for that part.

I still have many schedules and lists and plans to put together. I have to talk with our photographers and our DJ to go over some specifics. At this point in the planning, we are just ready for the event to be here. We want our big day! I’m tired of planning. Tired of worrying. Tired of debating and tired of costs. We just want to get married and be with the people we care about most in the world. We really don’t care what the centerpieces look like. We just. want. to. be. married.

And … on our way to Jamaica!

A good friend recently told me a story that the Rabbi who married her told them.

The Rabbi said, You don’t really know your spouse until after you are married. You may have lived together, may have known them for years, but you don’t actually KNOW them until after you are married.

I’m not sure I agree with the statement, but others have vouched for its validity.

Several loyal readers have asked me write about the emotional side of getting married. I have only touched on this issue a few times and not for lack of content but rather for sheer and utter amazement that ohmygod! I’m getting married and I am no longer a single person making decisions only for myself and HOLYSHIT!? i have to share my bathroom too!? and my bed?! forever!? And, what? a joint account? I prefer the word joint to usually not be followed by anything except a few minutes of intense calm.

It is my experience that men and women adapt to these life-altering social changes in very different ways that are rather gender-specific. Without launching into my soap-box-like pontification of how the genders relate to each other in marriage and relationships, I will just say that for the most part, women feel they are giving up some independence, gaining some financial security, and someone else’s laundry to wash, while men tend to be far more concerned with being able to provide, having enough money, and having enough time for sports.

If you notice, in this entry, there is no mention of sex or intimacy within the marriage, as it is well known, that once you are married, those concepts are mutually exclusive and cannot in a world where George Bush was elected president for eight years, coexist.

Over the past few months, as the wedding date has gotten closer and closer, and today, it is 32 days from now, Marc and I have gone through some wonderful periods of happiness and togetherness and also some seriously angry screaming matches about how much money was spent on a turkey sandwich at lunch. Eventually, all the kinks do get worked out.

The most important thing to remember is that all of the ups and downs are very normal. A marriage is a relationship between two people who need to remain independent, but also they must sacrifice a part of their selfishness in order to be conscious of another person living so closely to them. Each couple works this out differently. Some have date nights with just the two of them, some have standing plans to see other friends several times a week and some maintain separate bank accounts, but whatever the level of shared property and time, the couple must learn to coexist peacefully and cooperatively, without losing themselves completely.

Above all else, a healthy marriage is based on cooperation, consideration, kindness, respect, and love. No one expects perfection all of the time, but keep talking, and keep listening to each other, and … in my humble opinion, try to sit down to dinner together, as a family at least a few times a week. These planned together times really can help. If there is any one thing you can do to make your partner know that you care, listen. Be a good listener. If you aren’t now, learn how to do it. If your partner feels “heard” it will make a big difference.

And, an occasional beer never hurts!

One month, one week and two days.

One month, nine days.

Thirty-eight days.

No matter how you say it? It’s all the same really.

There is good news and bad news at this point. I went onto TheKnot.com and printed my To-Do list. It is ONLY two pages! Whoo Hooo! That is the good news.

The bad news? I have a two-page To-Do list!

I went through my binder last night to weed out the unnecessary information. I no longer need any paperwork about my invitations because they have been sent and all but four people replied. Those four people who never sent the reply card back? I put a curse on you! May your socks fall down into your shoes and my you have a massive front-of-your-head cowlick for a whole year.

So, as I was toss all these great pictures I had printed for “ideas” into the circular filing bin, I was sad that I no longer needed ideas but was quickly, very quickly reminded that I don’t need “ideas” because I have already made a million and one decisions and I only need to keep the ONE picture of my hair style, and ONE picture of my dress. I don’t need seven sheet covers back-to-back of potential bouquets because I have already chosen mine. And it will be … fine.

Prior to this wedding planning experience I was not a good decision maker. I mean, I chose to buy a house with Marc and I am certain of my decision to marry him, but the little ones, like, should the dining room table have placemats or a tablecloth would drive me totally insane. It’s the OCD tendency to doubt oneself. I am not usually committed to certain outfits or to hairstyles and sometimes I even wonder if my engagement ring looks better on my right hand?

This process has forced me to make choices and live with them. I definitely want a nice wedding, but a five thousand dollar floral bill does not a nice wedding make. What makes the occasion special is the feeling, the company, the guests, what you say and how you say it. It matters so much more what I saw in my vows than what I spend on the centerpieces.

My mother-in-law saw a wedding in my venue a few months ago and reported to me that they had big tall centerpieces with arrangements of calla-lilies. I knew that callas would be way beyond what I wanted to spend. I knew that I didn’t care what people thought about the room, or what they thought about me based on their guess of what I spent to entertain them. A wedding is not about entertaining your guests or impressing your guests.

STEPPING OFF MY SOAP BOX NOW …

… …

…

Sometimes I need to write things like this to remind myself that $700 on cake is outrageous but at this point, I just need to accept it. And hope for the biggest damn piece they cut!

Dear Stacy,

I’m a little early in my wedding planning but I have an important issue that is really stressing me out. My parents and my fiancée’s parents are very different. I am from Nebraska; my parents are career-farmers. My fiancée, ironically, was born and raised in Manhattan and his parents are NYC socialites. Both families are coming to visit us, in Washington, DC for Easter this coming weekend and we don’t know where to go for dinner or what to do with them during the day because they are just SO different. Please! Suggest something or send magic fairy dust.

Ok. Hum. Yes, this is a very valid issue and you are NOT the first bride to face this cultural gap. I do think it is rockin’ awesome that you and your fiancée are from such totally different backgrounds. Instead of focusing on the differences, celebrate the diversity that you two represent as a couple.

As far as your parents are concerned, chances are they are both very happy with their lives. They are living where they want to live, and doing what they want to be doing. They are both happy couples. So they won’t be discussing the growing season, late frost, or the latest trend on Park Avenue, but they do have you all in common. They both adore their children and are happy to see them moving along in life. Chances are they will be interested in each other and find each other’s facade to be not as intimidating as you are anticipating.

Also, stay focused on what is important. Are you talking about the wedding? Budget? Location? If so, have an outline of what needs to be decided THIS WEEKEND and what is just being put on the table for discussion. If you do not want to mention something, like, budget yet, you and your fiancée should each tell your respective parents before they arrive in town that you would like to avoid certain topics over the weekend. Most likely, they will respect your choices.

Where activities and restaurants are concerned … keep it neutral. Don’t want your Dad cheering about the Confederacy at the American History museum? Go to the Natural History Museum. Take a tour of the Capitol. Visit the Cherry Blossoms or a memorial. Try to visit places you are familiar with and you will feel more at ease and “in your own territory”.

Above all else, enjoy the time as three adult couples. This is a new time in your life. It is special, different, and full of change and emotions. Be in the moment. Don’t worry any more than you absolutely have to because it will all work out.

The emotional side of a wedding and an engagement isn’t often mentioned. I happened to pick up a book on an end-cap sale rack a few months ago and started reading it. At the time, I didn’t really understand all the things it was saying, but over time, and after I pulled myself out of a bad month-long depression, I realized, I AM what this book is talking about.

I really recommend this book because it helped me understand why there were times when I wasn’t happy about getting married. Combining finances was SO difficult for me. At the time we did this, it seemed that no one understood. None of my friends were in that position. It was very hard to explain that I felt like I was losing control and independence but gaining financial security. It took awhile before watching my paycheck go to different accounts became second nature. Just recently, a friend of mine was combining finances with her soon-to-be-husband and she was complaining about the same feeling of losing something but gaining something else. This is really normal, just, no one talks about this because they are took busy asking what your dress looks like. Brides need to understand they are not alone. Planning a wedding can be fun and trying, but getting married is a HUGE change in lifestyle. You can’t expect to be happy about each change immediately, especially when there is a loss of control before the benefits kick in.

I highly recommend this book for any new bride-to-be, or even a recent bride who is just married.

There is one huge area of wedding planning that I have neglected to mention, mainly because it is personal, complex and I never had a strong lead sentence with which to begin.

Marc and I sat down last night and went over our newly created Excel spreadsheet household budget. We bought a house last November and made one of our accounts joint. We both put money into it each month. Combining finances was huge. I felt more married and tied to him at that time than I think I will after a glass has been crushed and the crowd yells mazel tov at the end of the champagne toast.

For about a month after we combined accounts I didn’t know what money was technically “mine”. I had never thought of finances as “shared”. Like many other women my age, I’m in my late twenties and have worked for about 10 years, including my part-time jobs in college and I always had my own accounts and credit cards. I chose what I spent on what and when and if anyone questioned me I told them to get bent because it was my damn money. Lo, you cannot do that in a marriage. It is really crucial to understand each other’s spending and shopping habits before you combine finances or you will find yourself in many a difficult situation. For example, Marc likes to eat lunch out a lot and I like to buy a lot of books from Amazon.com.

Many times I have approached him and said something like Why did you go spend ten dollars on a damn sandwich? And when the credit card is on the higher side one month, he wonders why I needed to buy books. The end result is that these expenses are trivial and each couple must decide how much each person can spend on these little items, AFTER the mortgage and bills are paid. Some couples I know choose a dollar limit, like $100 - and if one partner plans to spend over that amount, they need to inform, not ask permission, but rather discuss with their partner the impending expense.

I highly suggest creating a budget in a spreadsheet. It is very easy to work with and change numbers around and make projections so that you know what money is available and when. You can also obtain a budget worksheet from any financial planner or financial broker. There are also some great books to work with if you are an independent type when it comes to finances. One book in particular that I recommend is Bonnie’s Household Budget Book.

Ultimately I am very thankful that we combined most of our finances before the wedding. (Which btw, is 47 days from today, ‘ya know, if you are keeping track) It really helped us get past the initial shock of not being as independent as we once were. Perhaps if I was younger and hadn’t really supported myself before I wouldn’t have had such a hard time adjusting to the loss of independence. It took me a few months to see that I gained financial security which helped me deal with the loss of control. Each couple has different issues, but all in all, you have to have a concept of what to expect from each other and from yourself.

I have gotten very comfortable with our new arrangement and I feel like that will allow us to really enjoy our first month of marriage because we will have already created working systems for our home. I can’t imagine how disappointed I might be if our first month of being married was wrought with the conflict through which we have already worked.

Other women have reported to me that the combining of assets is a huge issue at first. Many of us have worked for years and making a change from individual to team isn’t an easy step. I encourage men to be understand and comforting during this adjustment period, and also to be very forthcoming on all monetary issues. When both partners know what their financial capabilities are, they are more likely to take equal responsibility, thus, preventing an unhealthy situation.

Dear Stacy,

I am getting married in October of 2007. One of my bridesmaids is getting married next month. I really need her to help me do some planning and picking out dresses, but I am afraid to bother her. She is really stressed with her own plans but I’m concerned that she will sort of forget about my wedding and by the time her life calms downs it might be too late to get working on my wedding. She is my best friend and I really want her involved. Any suggestions on how our weddings can co-exist?

Ah … the double wedding year. At certain times throughout your twenties you will go through years when you wish you had stock in the formal wear industry because you may have a wedding to go to each month. Alas! I assure you, there will be years when you forget the difference between a blusher and a cathedral length veil and you will thank all that is holy for this sheer joy.

But, clearly you have a busy year ahead of you. First off, congratulate your friend and offer to help her. You say you care about her and she is your best friend. Some of the planning, coordinating and stressing she is doing right now is unique to her wedding time frame and you can’t possibly understand her demands. So, ask her. Offer to be there for her because, you KNOW you will need her to do the same for you. Do for her what you would like done for you. Also, set a date perhaps two weeks or so after her wedding, when she is back from her honeymoon to sit down and do some planning. You say her wedding is in April and yours is in October? You will not be behind schedule in May or June. Yes, you will be four or fives months out at the time but that is plenty. No matter how much advance planning you do, there are things that just have to be coordinated towards the end and you will get it all done. Make notes of what you want to do so your time spent together is well directed at getting things accomplished and pay attention to your friend’s struggles, you will definitely learn about what to expect in those last few days and weeks. Good Luck to both of you! And, what should really be the motto of this blog? You’re getting married!! Okay… Breathe!

Dear Stacy,

I’ve been having bad dreams about my wedding and it is worrying me, not to mention, causing me to lose sleep. I’m dreaming that I cut off all my hair (which in real life needs to grow a little more to make my hairstyle perfect). Oh and literally, it was me who cut it off. Scary. Last night I dreamt that I left my reception and went swimming in the lake and they were looking for me for pictures and I was all wet and not dressed and no one would help me get my dress back on. What does this all mean? I’m also really afraid that I’m going to have a dream about not getting married.

Ok, hold on! Breathe. First of all, you are totally normal. Laugh at yourself and find a friend to recount all these nightmares to. Chances are you are dreaming about things that aren’t even realistic possibilities. At your reception? No one would let you leave to go swimming. So, no matter how much you want to, you won’t be able to, sorry. But, to help you not worry so much about an already-occurred dream and about potential dreams to come, keep a journal next to your bed and when you wake up, write down some notes about your dreams. If you start worrying at night that you might have another bad dream, reread what you wrote the day before and most likely, you will laugh out loud at the silliness.

Also use your dreams to your advantage, take time to make a list or journal what you are worried about, list priorities about what needs to get done a month before and a day before and the morning of, list out what tasks you are relying on others to complete, make sure you have someone else, a parent, an in-law, a bridesmaid, a sibling, who knows everyone’s responsibilities and can be your day-of schedule-nazi.

Worrying will only cause you more stress and keep you from sleeping well. Remember dreams are not based on reality. Sometimes we dream of things that seem awful familiar but they are based in total fiction. A dream is just your brain working overtime and de-stressing itself. The brainwaves get a little lost in the dark of night and cause us to have the wacky dreams that we do.

wedding nightmares, wedding dreams, wedding planning, bride, best friends

I’m getting married in 52 days.

And, yes, I’m totally excited and YES! totally stressed.

What about? You ask.

Everything. I’m worried about leaving my pets with a pet-sitter for two and a half weeks. I can’t decide between having my mail held and having my pet-sitter/house-sitter pick up my mail. I am concerned that I will forget to bring my garter (which is SO cool by the way, of course, pictures AFTER the wedding) with me to Florida. Just this past weekend someone started talking about the rain/inclimate weather alternatives … and after I stopped hyperventilating and sweating I calmly retorted, “Fine. I agree. Have a plan. Don’t tell me what it is or anything about it. If you have to move things because of rain, that’s fine. I don’t want to know until the day of the wedding, because then I won’t care, I’ll just want to be married.”

The being calm? Felt great.
The not caring? Even more great.

It’s a real toss up between freaking-out and not caring but I figure it will all work out in the end.

After the flowers have been chosen and the food options tasted, the dress altered and the tuxedo rentals secured, the plane tickets purchased and the hotel blocks reserved, the ketubah waiting for me in Sarasota and the kippots ordered there is a definite release of stress as you cross these items off of your MUST-DO list. However, you might remember that you still haven’t had a second meeting with the Rabbi, and you still need to arrange for your parents flights to the wedding destination and you want to lose five more pounds and avoid a stress-related break-out, you start to feel that rapid-heartbeat Oh-Shit feeling returning to your every waking step.

Getting married is a huge, life-changing event. Even if you have lived with your partner, there are new levels of shared property and space. At this point, I am really excited. I do waiver between being stressed and being blasé about the details. I think that is normal.

Slowly you become closer to your partner. Slowly the families accept your wedding choices. As the entire event starts to come together, you might even find yourself sitting back and smiling. At least until a distant relative who calls you and wants to know if they can bring their children and babies to the wedding and if the food is kosher and the fish wild-caught.

See? I can still laugh and drive at the same time. In fact, I was on the way to my hair and make-up trial when this was taken. And, I had just saved $500 on my florals. Total score!

wedding stress, bride, ketubah, kippot, pet-sitter, wedding, wedding tactics

I survived another wedding-planning weekend with my in-laws. I was alone. No Marc to support me and help me through the myriad of decisions and color choices and short or long table cloths.

I have a list of about twenty things to do, buy, make and get to Florida in the next month. I have specific dollar amounts due in three weeks.

I have no been to the gym in over four days. Eeek! My only exercise was an hour long walk yesterday with my in-laws and twenty-minutes of sweating in the hot tub the night before.

I did take pictures. In fact, I took over an hundred pictures of my hair style trial and my make-up trial. I also left them on my camera chip at home. So, I guess you’ll have to wait until May to see them. I will try to give some sort of sneak-preview later in the week.

My dress? The one I was freaked the heck out about having it NOT fit because of some previously mentioned weight loss. It fits me. It needs alterations, but just larger ones than it needed before. Once they alter the halter-top to fit me they will do the hem. It looks so pretty and so, … me. It is very Florida. It is white. It has some beading but is very simple. And, to make my Mom proud, I bought a veil too. And I must admit it is pretty too.

I did a lot of this trying on and getting stuck with pins in the arms while my mother-in-law, my aunt-in-law, and Grandma-in-law watched from the sofa behind me.

Even though I lost a bit of weight, my dress still mostly fits me. I understand the alterations it needs. I still can’t wait to just put it on and have it fit!

My totally rockin’ most proud moment of the weekend was cutting $500 from my floral budget. I choose more orchids which are either native to Florida or easy and inexpensive to get. I stopped JUST looking at certain flowers and looked for other flowers in my colors. I simplified the Chuppah by not having flowers on the back side, but rather, just some greenery. I did not compromise on having an aisle lined with rose petals.

I’m really excited for the big day. I can’t wait to be married and stop planning this shindig. It is scary that some people are so excited for it because it makes me feel as though they have really high expectations for what the event will look like. But, all in all, they’ll get over it. Any real friends and real family members will come to see and celebrate with us, not for the food or to see how much cash we can fork over for flowers.

So. Much. To. Do.

Don’t even mention table assignments! Urgh!

STACY CLASPS HANDS TO CHEEKS, ALL HOME-ALONE-ISH, AND SCREAMS SLACKJAWWED AND THEN PASSES OUT INTO NEARBY CHAIR

If you are getting married in the next three months, chances are you have had similar moments. If you haven’t, well, don’t tell me, please, and also, you are letting someone else do way too much for your wedding. You should be squirming and stressing and having a great time.

On Friday I sort of freaked out and came home early from work, took a nap and made a dinner of fish sticks. Blech! I have no idea what happened to broiled salmon and salad.

I slept off my stress and went to bed until 10:30 Saturday morning. I spent part of Saturday fighting with Marc over, surprise! money! the wedding! cleaning and chores he had not done. I felt better after I worked out for an hour this morning.

In the midst of our arguments I told Marc that we had a lot of decisions to make and choices to choose. He shot down my first dance song suggestion of “Can’t help falling in love with you” by Elvis Presley. I secretly think he is against the song because he is weirded out by Elvis. Whatever. So I told him to come up with FIVE songs by Sunday night and we’d talk.

Fast Forward to NOW (Sunday night, 10:30pm):

ME: Did you come up with any first dance songs?

MARC: SHAKES HEAD. No, I didn’t.

ME: LIVE BLOGS THE SAGA AND USES CAPS LOCKS FOR EMPHASIS OF HOW MEN? AND WEDDINGS? DO NOT MIX.

Days 61 - 57
1. Decide on first-dance song
2. Meet with Florist and make final choices for bouquet, ceremony and centerpieces
3. Have first and major dress fitting, (hopefully lose 5 pounds by then too, just because that would be super cool)
4. Have my hair and make-up trial
5. Make some final budget calculations
6. Breathe
7. Stay calm and collected and continue to wish the BIG DAY here quickly and inexpensively

And don’t let the cat eat your centerpiece.

migraine, wedding, first dance song, elvis, wedding budget, florida

I had my first wedding dream last night.

It was a nightmare.

I just remember it, like, five minutes ago and I realized that for my own sanity and your entertainment, I needed to rehash it words for the Internet to psychoanalyze.

In my dream, my ceremony took place and it was a real disaster. Nobody walked down the aisle the right way, including Marc. There was no music. I knew immediately that something wasn’t right and that heavy sense of dread settled over me in the way that an itch at the bottom of your bottom when you are wearing ski boots would bother you.

When I got the end of the aisle, which was crooked and not lined with flower petals and also indoors, I saw Marc and he was wearing a tuxedo. For some reason he walked the aisle by himself and my parents walked together so I had to walk alone and I was seriously distraught.

The Rabbi said three lines, he said “Do you take this woman to be your wife to have and hold from this day forth?”

We both replied “yes” and he pronounced us man and wife, but, we didn’t have wedding bands so no rings. And I actually said “That’s it?”

The Rabbi replied, “I forgot the rest, sorry!”

Ahhhh!

Fast forward to this morning, 10:30am, which was really 9:30am because I am opposed to daylight savings time if and only if it requires you to turn the clocks ahead and wake up at 6am in the damn dark. I digress; I woke up with a migraine. Go figure.

I think what this dream actually *meant* is that I need to PLAN, talk with our Rabbi and make an appointment to get wedding bands. Eeek! I don’t know how I will make it 68 more days if I have a bad dream over ever undecided issue.

10. Cry.

9. Yell at your dear fiancee.

8. Have you Mother call the relatives and kindly ask them if they are coming because we haven’t heard from them.

7. Threaten, on the Internet that you will serve them the vegetarian option simply because it is cheaper and drove you crazy with the not replying on-time.

6. Dis-Invite them.

5. Send emails to your friends casually asking how their new house-dog-baby-car is and happen to mention that you need to make other wedding arrangements and would appreciate an RSVP soon.

4. Give them an extra week, because! people have busy lives and forget about things as small and trivial as your wedding.

3. Cry and yell at the sheer horridness that is the above sentence.

2. Decide to put all of the people who replied late at the same table so they can be appropriately mocked.

1. Plot to have them phased out.

rspv, wedding, late rsvps, bride, groom

I’m 81 days away from my wedding right now.

Yesterday I ordered our ketubah, complete with personalization. It looks like this:

It is so exciting to actually check something OFF of my To-Do list! I feel like I have a huge thing taken care of. Now, if only we could get the men’s clothing sorted out.

Our bridal party is small, consisting of a father of the bride, a father of the groom, a groom, a best-man (brother of groom) and brother of the bride. However, the brother of the bride is flying in from Europe to attend and can’t on last minute notice get a tuxedo, so he is fine in a suit or dress pants and a sport-coat. Now! The “issue” that causes me to start ticking my head and breathing at unnatural rates is whether or not all the men will wear the same, a black tuxedo and a vest of my choosing? Or, will the father’s be in all-black and white tuxedos and the groom and best-man will wear the special vest? I’m not too up to date on modern men’s wear. Meanwhile, my brother-in-law is still trying to convince me that they should all wear a Jcrew or Gap linen suit. I’m not opposed, but it means more schlepping and more coordinating.

I’ve searched all over for pictures of weddings where men did not wear tuxedos and all I see are black suits, (Bah.) and tan suits with leather flip-flops for beach weddings. Seeing as how I have a country club wedding, I think a suit is the lowest we can go on the scale of men’s formal wear.

I really like these options, but I’m not sure they go with the setting.

ketubah, wedding, groom’s clothing, suits, tuxedos