Wedding Tactics

If you have already chosen a date for your wedding you know firsthand what a delicate little woven web it is to avoid offending people, trying to make people happy and manage to get married before the end of the decade. For all you recently engaged couples who are still “thinking it over” and “not yet settled on a date” … here are some tips, pitfalls to look out for and general complaints you can expect to hear.

The wedding over a holiday weekend debate meant that travel would be more expensive but people wouldn’t necessarily have to take as much time off from work. I thought I would feel guilty for taking someone’s intensely coveted three-day weekend. Although, in hindsight, I didn’t think much about it once the date was chosen and the invitations were in the mail. What seems huge today will be a faint memory tomorrow.

I got engaged in July, and I always knew I wanted a Fall wedding. That meant that we either had a wedding in December (yes, I know, not so much autumn anymore and also soon) … or we waited a year and a half.

I was not going to wait a year and a half.

Marc also said NO to December for that whole too soon reason. Men! If you can train for a marathon in four months; you can plan a wedding in four months.

When we finally decided where we wanted to get married, we just looked at the dates they had available and the openings began in early May. I did not want to get married on Mother’s Day or Memorial Day. May 20th was the earliest that our venue was available, so, that’s how we decided on our date.

I had friends beg me not to get married in December because they had another wedding to attend the week before, also in Florida and that would have been a lot of traveling for them.

My brother-in-law-to-be also asked me to move my wedding date, after I had put down a deposit, because his girlfriend’s sister was getting married the weekend before, and that’s just a lot of wedding-time for them. Sorry guys, you’ll get over it.

So much for my Fall wedding, or my December wedding.

We chose our date based on what was available at our venue. This was really just the beginning of the flexibility I would need to extend for wedding planning.

WE TV has a new show called Bulging Brides in which a team of experts featuring a personal trainer and a nutrition specialist follow a bride-to-be for the two months prior to her wedding and basically kick her ass into shape so she will fit into a dress that is already purchased and altered and… doesn’t quite fit. Yet.

As a self-appointed wedding specialist I felt it was necessary for me to TiVo a few of these shows and review them here for all to know.

I was also secretly watching because I need to shed a few post-baby pounds myself and was hunting for diet and exercise tips.

My wedding was almost one year ago and I spent the three months prior to it getting into shape. I got myself a gym membership and went. A lot. It wasn’t easy at first but I was determined as most brides are to tone my arms and define my waistline. In time and with a lot of hard work by which I mean, HOURS of cardio, I lost about ten pounds and fit into clothes I hadn’t worn in years, er, ever.

I think the show only provides a brief idea of what needs to happen for a bride to get in shape fast. The most important tip that I took from the show was to take measurements first and at reasonable intervals so that you can really chart your progress. Most the of brides profiled were eating poorly and not exercising at all in the beginning so, a little bit of work and diet change made a world of difference. The coaches were encouraging but a little too cute-like for my tastes. They gave good tips on exercise but never actually showed the girls sweating it for their hour-long cardio sessions. I was a little disappointed that the show wasn’t more comprehensive but it did get the point across: eat less, move more and fit into your dress better.

I’ve been writing for Wedding Tactics for a full year now. When I started maintaining this site I didn’t know what it would become and how long I’d be writing. In fact, at the time, 451 Press was still just getting off the ground. In fact, its been pretty amazing watching the network grow along with my site.

My first posting discussed the differences between a marriage and a wedding. The first few months following this entry I used the planning of my own wedding as a guide for what to write about.

A few times I mentioned the issues in gaining a new set of parents and specifically, the mother-in-law.

I wrote a lot about dresses and veils and accessories.
And for a few months I had featured columns on certain days of the week, Trends on Tuesday and Traditions Thursday. I used these headlines as a means to explain traditions like the tossing of the garter.

April was a very popular month on this site. My stats went thru the roof, but that was a very popular wedding time of year. I get asked frequently about the Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, Something Blue thing. The meaning and its history are detailed here.

One of my all-time favorite posting was about what guests should wear to a wedding. I noticed during the Spring months that several clothing stores were featuring lines of dresses for wedding guests. This is a good guide to style options depending on the wedding venue.

I got married in May. Then, I started a new job in June and my postings got a bit less frequent for awhile. Meanwhile, I did profile some great summer wedding themes.

As the year went on I tried to focus on all the different issues surrounding weddings, including mens clothing, or, tuxedos and a few funny stories too, like this one about a guy who lost his wedding ring.

And, finally, the most recent repeating column, Wedding Tactics: On Location, features vendors and venues in random cities. By featuring actual wedding business providers across the nation, I hope that readers from all states will be attracted to read and follow along and also to ask questions and participate in the Wedding Tactics dialogue. The On-Location feature can be seen here, here and here. And also here.

Thanks to all the readers who made this a successful year for me and 451 Press. I look forward to another even better year here.

Happy New Year!

Outdoor weddings are some of my favorite weddings. I, had an outdoor wedding — but before you commit to one, you should recognize a few issues that an outdoor ceremony presents.

You definitely lose a little control over some aspects of the day if you plan an outdoor ceremony. The obivious one is the weather. You are at the mercy of heat, cold, and rain. The other is that you can’t control each little decoration detail. For example, rose petal lining the aisle might blow around a little. It’s important to remember that outdoor ceremonies can be spectacular, but also you have to be a little flexible and it helps to embrace the concept that some things are just not controllable.

To see some other outdoor wedding sites in the San Francisco area, visit this website.

A … A-line skirt. Invented in the 1960s, it refers to a skirt that is slightly flared at the bottom, creating a very nice line for many body types.

B … Best Man: the term given to the head male assisting the groom in a wedding. In current times, a best man is generally responsible for planning a bachelor party, helping on the wedding day, holding the rings during the ceremony and providing friendly moral support to the groom and the couple.

C … Cut, Color, Carat, and Clarity The cour C’s of a diamond. Cut refers to the shape of the diamond, is it round, oval, pear shaped or emerald cut (rectangle). Color refers to the clearness of the diamond. Not all diamonds are alike. In fact, they are ranked on a scale of color from D to Z. But, for a ring, color usually only goes up to about a J. Anything higher and the stone will have a deeper yellowish to brown color. It is still a diamond, just not a clear diamond.

D … Diamond Engagement Ring

E … Engagement! The average first marriage engagement lasts 9-12 months and the average second marriage engagement lasts anywhere from three to six months.

F … Flowers! Most wedding ceremonies have many flowers as decorations. People use fresh, silk and dried flowers of all different colors and textures to create relaxing, romantic atmospheres for their wedding ceremonies. When it comes to choosing wedding flowers, the sky is truly the limit. You can spend as little as a few hundred to as much as thousands.

G … Guests. GUESTS. Guests can make a wedding the party that you want it to be. They give gifts and come to celebrate with you. They cost you the bulk of your wedding budget in food and alcohol and too often people decorate just to amuse the guests. Without guests, you really don’t have a wedding. It’s a catch-22. This article here talks about how to be a good guest, in a not-too-patronizing kind of way. This one here talks about what NOT to do, as a guest.

H … Honeymoon!!

I … Investment. Consider investing some of your wedding gifts so you can create a nest egg or just a small savings for household projects or future vacations.

J … Jewelery. In many cultures married people wear a wedding band as a sign that they are married. For many, this is as simple as a solid metal band made of gold, platinum, silver or titanium. Others prefer a fancier approach and their rings include diamonds and other stones. To see some modern day matching band sets, click here. And, to read about why should NOT take your ring off, ever really, but in public, click here. And read all the way to the bottom for ring cleaning instructions.

K … Kippot, or, yarmulke. In a Jewish wedding you will see the groom and all male guests wearing a head covering called a kippot.

L … Love. Don’t marry someone unless you really do love them. Marriage is not easy at times. Loving the person unconditionally will truly help in the tough times and make the good times even better.

M … Marriage. Wikipedia says marriage is an interpersonal relationship with government, social and religious recognition. Huh.

N … Nuptial. Nuptial is the adjective of Wedding. According to Wikipedia, it is used more in zoology to refer to mating season coupling, however, nuptials are also a marriage ceremony.

O … Outdoor weddings. Outside weddings are increasingly common and are a lot of fun. Usually reserved for the warm-weather months and more common in areas where the scenery is worth celebrating and can be incorporated as decoration in and of itself. Beach weddings, water-front weddings, boat-ride weddings, English-tea garden weddings are all very common wedding experiences.

P … Petals. Rose petals. Consider sprucing up your ceremony site by having rose petals line your aisle. It is a relatively inexpensive way to add some romantic detail to your ceremony site.

Q … Queen! At least you are for one day, so be sure to act like it! Remember that this is your wedding day. And you only get one. You have spent a lot of time planning and dreaming about this day, not to mention you have spent a lot of money on this day too. It is OKAY to be a little demanding and expect that people will put aside petty issues and just celebrate with you. Keep this in mind when dealing with annoying relatives and unruly vendors. You are paying the vendors to do a job for you and you have a right to expect that things be done according to plan and on time. From family members, you have a right to expect that they will put aside petty differences for a few hours for your sake. If they don’t, ask them to deal with these issues tomorrow because you would like the party to be a party.

R … Royal Doulton. Creators of china patterns and casual tableware.

S … Square Diamond.
Or, Princess Cut, as it is commonly referred to as is a very common style of engagement ring.

T … Tuxedo. Most men get married in a tuxedo. The most formal of men’s suits, tuxedos are easy and affordable to rent from a number of local and nationwide stores. Plan ahead and choose a tuxedo style and pattern about four months prior to your wedding so that all the groomsmen and fathers have time to get fitted and secure their rentals.

U … Unwind. Be sure to take some time prior to your wedding to spend some relaxing time with your family. It’s a special time and it will help you relax and focus on your big day ahead.

V … Vera Wang. Not only making dresses these days, Vera Wang has a line of household goods including china, silver and glassware.

W … Winnie Couture

X … X-tras! Be sure to keep an eye out for extras in your wedding planning. Ask all your vendors if they have seasonal specials or even reduced prices for holding your event at less popular times, like Sunday afternoons, Friday evenings and after a holiday weekend.

Y … Yolanda Couture.

Z … Zzzzz…… Sleep! Be sure to get some sleep the night before your wedding. It will help you keep going strong all day and make you feel better too. If you haven’t gotten much rest during your months spent wedding planning, be sure to plan a relaxing honeymoon where you can get plenty of rest. On a beach, in a hammock, on a boat, in the sun, in bed on a rainy afternoon …. many couples spend the first day or so of their honeymoon catching up on much needed rest.

Dear Stacy, Would you care to discuss the ethics of a Friday evening (5pm) wedding, especially in a major metropolitan area (like Washington)? The date is special to us, but would be wrong to force our guests to drive through that traffic to get there?

Yes. No. I don’t know.

This is a tough question and I have to admit I have given it a few days of thought.

It boils down to this: What matter more to you: Having this particular wedding on this particular day and time? OR, sharing a wedding that might be at a different place and time, with our guests. If you want a guest centered wedding with extensive partying and dancing, then does the date really matter? If it matters most to have a certain sunset in a certain location at a specific time of the year, then that is your priority.

I think it is important when planning a wedding to choose a few things that matter most, and that will help the other details fall into place. For me, it was simply that I was going to be marrying Marc and that I had a bouquet that I wanted and that I got to dance with my Dad. I was very overwhelmed and emotional that so many people chose to travel for my wedding, so, I got more than what I wanted – I got it all. But, I would have been fine with it just being a few people and our marriage ceremony and my damn flowers. If you lay out your priorities, you won’t be disappointed if you stick to those goals.

I can’t give you a yes or know but I am going to be an impartial judge by pointing out of some important things to consider when planning a wedding at a potentially not so convenient time.

First of all, a Friday night wedding is a fine idea. They are not frequent but are well within reason and I would even venture to say, common, in some places where venues book up on weekend nights years in advance. Also a Friday evening is less expensive than a Saturday evening at certain venues because of demand. I’m all for finding ways to cut costs, so from that perspective, a Friday night is fine. Heck! A Wednesday afternoon is fine too if that’s what you want.

I’m not sure why you specify 5pm; does it have to begin at 5pm? Could you moved it to 7pm which is later, granted, but it does give people more time to leave work a little early, go home and change and attend your event. How crucial is this fact? Is this a top priority to you?
As I have said before, your wedding is your wedding. Would you have the same wedding if it was just you and your parents standing there watching you? Some weddings are for the couple getting married, while others are really a demonstration for the guests, a display of how much you can spend, or a chance to dazzle friends and family. What’s yours?

I have always believed that you are not forcing guests to attend at all. Just because you are inviting people to your wedding doesn’t mean they are forced to attend. Au contraire. If they choose to join you for the celebration, they chose to accept the travel, time constraints and financial responsibilities of attending, whatever that may be. If they are not comfortable accepting those facts, there is a line on the invitation allow them to send regrets.

So, let’s say you have a wedding at five o’clock in the evening on a Friday night in Washington, DC. Are your guests coming from out of town? Consider having a shuttle bus or van transport them from the hotel to the venue, this will cut down on traffic and allow the guests to enjoy the occasion rather than fight traffic and arrive, oh, err … frazzled? When people have a Sunday night wedding, guests are imposed upon to give up some of their Monday morning for travel. So, it makes sense that a Friday night wedding imposes a bit on the earlier end of the weekend, right? These are just the implications of accepting an invitation to an event.

To wrap up this non-answer, I would say this is not a matter of ethics. If you choose, for whatever reason, to have your wedding at a time that may be inconvenient for a lot of your guests, it is up to you to keep that in mind if they reply with regrets or are late for the ceremony. However, at all costs, guest should really try to arrive on time. But, if you are asking them to commute on Connecticut Avenue at rush hour on a Friday, seriously, it is a total crap shoot. Also, be kind if people tell you they aren’t able to make it. Life is busy and there are always scheduling conflicts, but if it is important to you to have a wedding in a certain way and that certain way isn’t easy for people to attend, just understand that and do what you want if that certain way really matters that much to you.

Dear Stacy,

I am trying to work out the colors for my wedding and bridesmaids. We are planning a garden by the sea ceremony and a beachside reception following. The groom wants to wear a variation of beige. I am not sure what color to dress the bridesmaids in. My gown is ivory. I have light olive skin and the bridesmaids are of a asian darker skin color, quite tanned.

I have always liked outdoor events because you can use so many of the colors already provided in nature. Just build off of the palate already provided to you.

You didn’t specify whether or not the groom wants to wear a beige tuxedo, or a suit or just a beige top. I will try to provide some options regardless of what you were thinking. When you don’t know where to begin or how to mix certain colors, consider looking at a picture of flowers or a centerpiece. Examine the colors given to you by nature.

In this photograph, the florals show a palm frawn in a light green, a blue hydrangea, some green leaves and a soft ivory flower. The stems are most likely brown too. If you were to use this palate to build a bridal party wardrobe, it might include some of the following dresses.

With this brown bridesmaid gown, I would have them carry a small bouquet of blue hydrangea, to match the pictures above. Or, alternatively, pull a color from your bouquet and set a soft floral against the brown. The flowers will really stand out and the look is quite elegant and breathtaking.

This light blue dress matches the blue hygrangea flower above quite well. To keep the image soft and outdoorsy, have the ‘maids carry a small bouquet of ivory flowers such as peonies, roses, hydrangeas, or even callas.

I really love this mossey green dress. Something about the naturalness of the color just speaks to me. Ivory looks stuning next to this color, a plus since your gown is ivory. You have a lot of options with florals because green is visible in most bouquet arrangments. I would have these bridesmaids carry a smaller and simplier version of the bouquet you choose to carry.

Groom in beige Number 1.

As you can see, I based all of these off of the bridal couple in ivory and beige. This beige tuxedo for rent only from Afterhours is very formal and looks great on most men. However, this beige suit below is pictured from a beach front wedding, and while very sharp, is a slightly more casual look.

Groom in Beige Number Two.

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So you’ve got an awesome ring on your finger and a goofy smile on your face but you know you need to start thinking about things like, a date!, a venue!, indoor or outdoor, flower and color schemes, dresses, eight bridesmaids or just a maid of honor? The list can goes on and on. But, where the heck do you start your wedding planning? And oh! dear lord, the finances.

Yes, this is a difficult time, in light of the recent excitement going on. Each decision you make, while sometimes it seems only begs more unopened questions, actually is one thing crossed off the long list of wedding to-do’s.

First and foremost, consider what type of wedding your want. And then, consider what you can afford and what works for you and your family and, the most deciding factor, what venues are available when you want them. Do you want a wedding at a country club with the ceremony and reception at the same place? Complete with outdoor photos, fresh air and all the colors nature provides. But! You are at the mercy of the weather. Do you want a wedding in a church with a huge long aisle, a conservative and formal ceremony with a fancy reception afterwards at a club or fancy restaurant? Do you want a backyard ceremony, perhaps you know someone who has a farm or a country home, with a large rented tent for the reception? Do you want a beach wedding, where you all wear flip-flops and take pictures barefoot, followed by a seafood barbeque?

The options are truly endless and you have to think about where you would like to spend your day. What type of environment makes you relaxed and just brings a smile to your face? Once you know what kind of place you want to have your wedding you can start looking AT places and their prices and availabilities.

If you have family and friends who want to help and offer to look at venues for you, by all means, take them up on it. Let people collect information so that you can look over brochures and prices and then go and talk with the coordinators.

If all of these options just seem to make your eyes roll back into your head and your pupils turn to dollar signs, there are options! All of the above, while excellent options, are just that, options. I don’t think I would have enjoyed my wedding any more or less if we had cut more corners. What made my wedding so special was seeing my guests who had come from so far to see me get married. The food was good and the party went on in a relaxed and fun manner. This is what made my wedding so enjoyable.

If you live in a small town, look at local recreation halls, ask the fire department and ladies auxiliary clubs if they have large meeting space you can use for a reception. If you are crafty, you can make your own flower arrangements

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Nobody wants to hear or think “Ooops!” on their wedding day, but of course, things happen.

Bad weather. Vendors get stuck in traffic; mix up an order, or worse. Relatives show up late for pictures or an older Aunt is far less mobile than before and she needs assistance getting around the wedding site.

If you think ahead about a few of these issues you can head off the “Ooops” before it happens.

If your wedding is small and you know all your guests this is simple enough to do on your own, if your wedding is over one hundred guests, employee a family member or close friend who knows the guest list to help you consider some of the following.

1. If you have older Grandparents, are they able to walk around and be in the spot you want them to for pictures? If not, choose an alternate site to have pictures with them. Consider allowing them to sit down in the reception area during the cocktail hour so that they can enjoy the party but not have to stand for too long.

2. Supply a bridesmaid or groomsman or relative with a list of the vendors and their contact information in case the cake is late or the DJ isn’t on time, you’ll have someone looking out for these things before the moment the party begins and they can make necessary calls while you are getting ready or having pictures done and it won’t hinder the flow of the main event.

3. Weather. Everyone tells you it is good luck to have rain on your wedding day. Luckily, I did not get to test this theory; however, it is always good to have a back-up plan if your event is outside, or even for parking and walking to the site. Well in advance of the wedding, speak with the events and banquet coordinator at your venue and ask about alternatives for bad weather. Find out when they have to make a decision, for example, if a temporary rain shower moves through the area a few hours before the outdoor ceremony, the arch or chuppah or chairs and decorations will get wet, and most likely, if this is the time of set-up, they won’t be able to set up outdoors. Ask about the options and know what they are. Then - don’t even think twice about it. Because? When it comes to the day of your wedding and you are within hours of walking down the aisle, you can’t worry about those details and hopefully, you are resolved to the notion that the only thing that matters is that you are able to get married. Rule of thumb: Have back-up plans but then don’t fret over them.

Hopefully you won’t have any “Oops” moments on your special day, but if you do, go with the flow. Many times, guests who don’t know what was “supposed to” happen won’t notice the difference and just stay focused on having fun because this is YOUR day.

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