Wedding Tactics

On a recent afternoon I was in search of some good blogable material and came across some wedding statistics that Hallmark published.

DID YOU KNOW….?

+ Weddings are a $23.5 billion industry. Can I get in on this?

+ In the last twenty years, an average of 2.3 million weddings take place in the United States alone each year. Not surprising, but how many end in divorce and how many within the first two years?

+ The average cost of a wedding is between $20,000 and $25,000. This is way lower than I would have guessed, so I suppose there is hope for those of us on budgets.

+ The average wedding has 189 guests.
Um, HOLY COW.

+ August is the most popular month for weddings, but June is a very close second.

+ The average engagement is 16 months, up from 11 months in 1990, and the average ring costs $2000.
Thank you Marc, I love you VERY much.

+ The top three worries of today’s brides are exceeding budget, forgetting an important detail and the reception being boring.
Actually, I would say these are pretty close to my top concerns.

+ 85% of all weddings are held in a church or synagogue.

+ Two thirds of all grooms choose a plain wedding band while the other third opts for a band with diamonds.
I never consider that before, perhaps because I’m too consumed with what band I want.

weddings, wedding budget

10. Cry.

9. Yell at your dear fiancee.

8. Have you Mother call the relatives and kindly ask them if they are coming because we haven’t heard from them.

7. Threaten, on the Internet that you will serve them the vegetarian option simply because it is cheaper and drove you crazy with the not replying on-time.

6. Dis-Invite them.

5. Send emails to your friends casually asking how their new house-dog-baby-car is and happen to mention that you need to make other wedding arrangements and would appreciate an RSVP soon.

4. Give them an extra week, because! people have busy lives and forget about things as small and trivial as your wedding.

3. Cry and yell at the sheer horridness that is the above sentence.

2. Decide to put all of the people who replied late at the same table so they can be appropriately mocked.

1. Plot to have them phased out.

rspv, wedding, late rsvps, bride, groom

Traditions Thursday will run tomorrow.
Meanwhile, here is a new feature that will most likely run each Friday, starting next week.

I’ve recently received some emails from trusty readers who have asked some questions. I’ve decided to publish these because they are very useful and the information is valid for all of us.
Please continue to submit questions by clicking on “Contact Me” in the About section.

Dear Stacy,

Kelly
Dear Kelly,

Your frustrations are well understood.

The purpose of a wedding registry used to be so that the newlywed couple would get household goods. In the “olden�? days of our parents and grandparents, people got married in their early twenties and had not lived alone at all and therefore, had never owned a cookie sheet or sauce pan or a le cruset stock pot. Over the past few generations it is more common to see couples getting married later in life and after having lived alone. Thus, many couples getting married today are faced with combining two kitchens worth of goods before they even consider registering. This makes creating a registry far more difficult.

Stores will advise you to register for 2-3 items per invited guest. This allows guests a wide variety of gifts and price ranges to choose from. However, if you have a guest list of 200 and your parents have friends who are giving gifts, your registry gets quickly bought up. Which isn’t all a bad thing! Traditionally, a registry exists so that couples can choose patterns and colors of linens and housewares.

Giving a gift is something that is done out of the kindness of one’s heart. It seriously irks me that people actually attempt to apply a formula to how much one should spend on a gift. I have heard and I DO NOT abide by this rule that a guest should “guess�? the amount spent on them to attend and spend that much on a gift. Now, if your funds are limitless, go right ahead and get me a $250 gift. Otherwise, GOD, please be reasonable.

If you are invited to a wedding and cannot attend, it is a courtesy to send a gift. Not required, and by most, not even considered rude. You should always only give within your means. If you are on a tighter budget, give some linens, kitchen gadgets or tools, or a gift card. This is why couples should create a registry with different budget levels in mind. It will help your guests and it will allow for you to get a wide variety of goodies.

Going off the registry is not considered poor etiquette! Perhaps a store isn’t located conveniently to you, or you can’t find something in your price range, or for whatever reason you have. By all means, if it means you will give a gift, them you should get whatever you feel is appropriate. I was saying that nowadays registries tend to fill up with extra kitchen goodies, higher grade linens and decorative items like lamps and artwork, candles and furniture because couples already have some of the basic items.

When shopping off of the registry, first, choose your budget range. Shop within that range and don’t question your generosity. A gift is a gift! A good department store will have a wide variety of household goods to choose from. Consider a glass or crystal vase. This Kate Spade glassware that retails at a department store for up to $150 was $40 last week at TJ Maxx. (now I’m hitting myself for not buying it) Look for bargains and sales and consider shopping at a Crate and Barrel or Williams Sonoma outlet where you can get name brand things for slightly less than name brand prices.

Also consider the couple’s favorite activites; do they enjoy music and theater? Perhaps some tickets to an upcoming show, gift cards for stores they may need, or if you know what colors they like, even some serving dishes. I swear you can never have enough serving dishes! Artful serving pieces can also double as display pieces. Be creative and be thoughtful.

It is also courteous to include a gift receipt in case the couple wishes to exchange the gift for something for suitable to them.

Dear Stacy,

I’m just starting my search for reception locations and have scheduled a couple appointments for later this week. I’m having trouble coming up with questions for the event manager besides fee schedule, parking, and any restrictions. I’m just curious what kind of questions I need to ask to get an understanding of their venue before making my decision. Thanks!Tia

Dear Tia,

You are well prepared to go in with questions! You’ve been doing some homework, so, good for you.

First of all, you want to know how many people the venue can hold, what their basic charges are as well as what the tax and gratituities are, as they can add up to be in the thousands. Ask if they allow outside caterers or if you have to use your own. If you do use an outside caterer, will you be using the venue’s staff for serving, if so, what is that charge?

You will want to know how early in the day you, your florist and wedding party can access the site for decorating, dressing and photography. Will there be a room for you to dress in? Have you seen it? If the venue is outside, what are their indoor options and what will it cost to change at the last minute?

Find out if the banquets and catering manager will be on site all day to assist you and your vendors, or do you need to hire a wedding-day consultant or friend to keep track of time and vendors for you? What size and shape are the tables? Do they provide linens and chairs? Set-up? What’s the charge? If your reception goes over, how late will they allow you keep partying? Is there an hourly or flat fee? If the venue is an older building, be sure that your DJ or band will have ample power and electrical outlets.

Get a contact name and phone number, collect as many pieces of information that you can on paper. If you really want to have your wedding at a certain place, you may have to be a little flexible with them on prices, dates and time.

Be firm, communicate what you want. This is YOUR wedding and you are giving them business. You have a right to be happy and have what you want. Be reasonable and ask if things are negotiable.

Some extra charges to look out for are cake-cutting fees? Or do they include that? Your caterer might be willing to do the cake cutting at no charge. Ask! Don’t wait until the wedding day or bill paying day to find out all these little details. A good and reputable venue will tell you all these things upfront. They will have nothing to hide. If you aren’t comfortable or are suspicious of someone’s business practices, leave. It’s not worth the risk.

After talking with the banquets and catering manager, they should prepare for you a banquet order reflecting all the options you spoke about and what the prices are for their services.

Follow-up, book early, and don’t forget about deposits and due dates.

Good Luck!

wedding reception, gift registry, kate spade glassware, bride, groom, wedding

I’m 81 days away from my wedding right now.

Yesterday I ordered our ketubah, complete with personalization. It looks like this:

It is so exciting to actually check something OFF of my To-Do list! I feel like I have a huge thing taken care of. Now, if only we could get the men’s clothing sorted out.

Our bridal party is small, consisting of a father of the bride, a father of the groom, a groom, a best-man (brother of groom) and brother of the bride. However, the brother of the bride is flying in from Europe to attend and can’t on last minute notice get a tuxedo, so he is fine in a suit or dress pants and a sport-coat. Now! The “issue” that causes me to start ticking my head and breathing at unnatural rates is whether or not all the men will wear the same, a black tuxedo and a vest of my choosing? Or, will the father’s be in all-black and white tuxedos and the groom and best-man will wear the special vest? I’m not too up to date on modern men’s wear. Meanwhile, my brother-in-law is still trying to convince me that they should all wear a Jcrew or Gap linen suit. I’m not opposed, but it means more schlepping and more coordinating.

I’ve searched all over for pictures of weddings where men did not wear tuxedos and all I see are black suits, (Bah.) and tan suits with leather flip-flops for beach weddings. Seeing as how I have a country club wedding, I think a suit is the lowest we can go on the scale of men’s formal wear.

I really like these options, but I’m not sure they go with the setting.

ketubah, wedding, groom’s clothing, suits, tuxedos

Marc and I have a great idea for our parent gifts. (If you are one of our parents, please stop reading. NOW. Really. STOP.)

…

…giving the parents time to think about leaving and not reading what is below.

… I was giving some thought to what we should give our parents as it is vaguely tradional for the almost-wed couple to give a few gifts at the rehersal dinner. Usually, a gift is given to all the attendants, members of the bridal party, and the parents.

I want to give our parents a little gift. I came up with the notion that we buy each of them, my mom and dad and Marc’s mom and dad a digital picture frame and we load the chip with 50+ photos of that specific family, pictures of each one of us as children, and then a few of Marc and myself together. I thought this was a great, unique and very special gift. Far more special than a Waterford crystal vase filled with Hershey’s kisses and hugs, accompanied by a note reading “Thanks for all your support, hugs and kisses, we wouldn’t be here without you.�? That is not me. Or us.

Then! I started looking at prices for these so-called digital frames. HOLY HELL, they are NOT cheap, at least not from Brookstone. Then, I did some searching on Froogle.com and saw that you can get them for less than the cost of feeding five wedding guests. I think the digital frame with pictures specalized for each family is far better than, oh, say, a pair of socks that say Father of the Bride.

I happened to mention “parents gifts�? to my Aunt, who is very unmaterialistic and likes to tell me that I constantly flush my money away. She said that giving our parents a gift was unnecessary and a waste of money. But, I think it’s nice. Small or meaningful tokens are important, especially when given at such a special time as a wedding.

Some ideas for attendants gifts that the wedding websites are pushing aren’t so expensive, but also, aren’t too personal, such as:
A set of golfballs with wedding images on them:

I think it is important to thank the people who help you in your wedding planning, show you extensive support and love and spend their own money on traveling to your wedding. I want to give some small token gifts and few more serious “real meaning” gifts.

It isn’t easy to choose whe I get emails every other day telling me that some website has a sale on PINK MONOGRAMED FLASKS … I mean, dammit! I’m so excited, I better get seven of those now!

All this said, I think if you are going to give a gift, make it personal, and meaningful. Small gifts are nice ways to say thank you. However!! It isn’t required. The marriage license is REQUIRED, giving attendant gifts is not. See what I mean? There are a wide range of items in a wide range of prices. Do what you can and remember the end result and goal… a long healthy marriage.

Dave Cullen an author and journalist with The New York Times, Salon and Slate, said in a recent blog posting, Finding a soul mate and building a life together is an integral part of the American dream. I couldn’t have said it better myself.

It really struck me as something, well, meaningful. Simple. But, meaningful. And also, VERY correct.

I personally could not care less about who wants to marry whom. Let’s start at the beginning of my rationale, no?

Anyone who has been in a relationship at one time or another has learned that there are things that go on in a relationship that no one on the outside knows. You may even have thoughts about your friend’s relationship at one point, and realized you have no idea what kind of toothpaste they prefer or what clothes, if any, they sleep in. See? There are tons of things about people with whom we are close that we don’t know about, so you can safely say you really have no idea what goes in any relationships except your own. Are you with me?

I had a conversation with my grandma about two and a half years ago, she has since passed. We were watching the news or Dr. Phil, or something definitively informative and correct and she sat up in her chair, turned to me, and said, I think they should have something legal, but it shouldn’t be called marriage.

Ok. So, from my 82 year old grandma, I think that’s a decent YES they should be allowed to.

Personally, I’m a fan of love and marriage and relationships, we all know I’m head-over-heels in love with Marc and please! I have a countdown ticker on my email. I like weddings, especially mine.

Maybe it is generational, maybe it is also a little political and a little religious-based but I don’t see any reason why two men or two women shouldn’t marry?

If Republicans would let gays marry, there would be a lot more two-parent households out there.

Interesting notion, eh?

Formal weddings are back, ladies! I very much regret to be the one who has to inform you of this.

2007 is featuring a return to more formal wedding ceremonies and receptions. The only people more thrilled than Miss. Manners are the local tuxedo and formalwear rental stores. Couples are planning much more elegant receptions and parties than ever before.

To accompany these high-end weddings, brides are ensuring that their guests are entertained and awed at every moment, beginning with her walk down the aisle. For most of the ceremony, the bride is facing away from her audience. Therefore, expect to start seeing a lot of beading detail on the back of wedding gowns.

It is very important to remember that while I’m reporting this fancied-up wedding trend, it isn’t something I’m necessarily in favor of seeing. I, personally, think that too many weddings these days focus way too much on the superficial aspects; centerpieces, huge bridal parties, fancy food. The reality is that a wedding is a party, a type of celebration. There is only so much time for planning a wedding during your engagement. You can use this time to stress about the favors and cake decorations, or, you can get the wedding planned, and work on building your marriage.

{stepping OFF of soapbox}

However, a fancy party is a fun party! If a couple wants to have a black-tie affair, I say, go for it! Your wedding needs to be what you want it to be. Just keep in mind, that asking your guests to purchase new clothes and rent tuxedos will cut into the amounts they spend your gifts. Here I go, preaching my mode of moderation, yet again.

I encourage all brides who want an over-the-top looking wedding to consider and investigate all sorts of cost-cutting options. Price out silk flowers and use them in your ceremony so you can splurge on fresh flowers for your reception where guests will be sitting closer to the flowers. If you want the food to be a real dynamic but are worried about cost, consider skipping a cocktail hour and moving right from ceremony to reception where you can serve several plated courses of fancy, high-scale foods.

The options are endless… I will explore some more in depth and provide you with some handy tips … tomorrow.