Wedding Tactics

I have written this article several times before but I love this concept, so I revised a few of the issues and here it is again folks. Be a good guest. It matters. And if you have a bad guest, email me (thestacy@gmail.com) and tell me all about it and print out this here GEM of an article, if I do say so myself and mail it to them.

Unfortunately there are many people out there who have missed this article and will never read it so I’ve decided to summarize a few general concepts and hope that this web-page finds ALL OF YOUR guests, you know, just in case.

First: Send back the damn reply card. On time. Don’t ADD to the choices for food options. Be gracious and choose one. If you have an allergy or a special medical need, bring your own food or if you know the family well enough, contact someone other than the bride or groom, possibly a mother, sister or close friend of the couple and ask them if an alternative is available.

I know, I am a tab bit hard to please and my standards are sky high, but, whatever, I’m married now, so it doesn’t matter, right?

Anyway, to be a good guest, you just need to express some thanks for being invited and some mindfulness on replying on time. A good guest is not defined by one who gives a lot of money or lavish gifts. Quite the opposite! Just be grateful the couple chose to involve you in their most important day.

Congratulations! You’ve been invited to a wedding. Read the invitation and reply card carefully. Make a note of who is invited; you and a guest, you and a spouse, you and your family with kids. Chances are the engaged couple has thought very long and hard about your and guest or and family situation. Don’t ask to bring people who are not invited. I don’t particularly like any of the exceptions to this rule, however, if the engaged couple hasn’t seen you in a few months and there is someone new in your life who is quite important (defining this role is a slippery slope, however), call the couple and tell them you are dating someone very special and if they have room you would love to bring them, but you fully understand if they are faced with limited seating. If you are told you may bring a guest, by all means, be sure to bring someone, as they will have paid for another plate.

One more rule of being a good guest: ARRIVE ON TIME. In fact, arrive early. Weddings start at the time listed on the invitation. Consider the time it takes to part and walk to the venue and be seated. Plan to arrive 15-30 minutes prior to the ceremony.

Weddings are expensive. The couple chose to include you in something very special to them. Give a gift, within your means of course, and have a good time!

Dear Stacy: Should I invite the parents of those in my bridal party to the wedding? Several of the groomsmen have been friends since they were children, over fifteen years now, while I’ve only known some of my bridesmaids for about two years and I certainly don’t know their parents. I feel that if we invite some of the parents, we should invite all. Do you agree? Please help me settle this issue without any hurt feelings.

Ah. I think this issue is more common that we might expect. When you are not the one planning the wedding all of these smaller debatable issues don’t seem so crisis of the day but I know that when you are deciding who to invite and what to spend every small decision seems monstrous. So, first things first, okay?

Sometimes it is easier to think about these issues when you are slightly removed from the situation, for example, go out for a coffee with a girlfriend who isn’t too involved in the wedding and who doesn’t mind hearing you wax poetic like about your wedding woes. If your husband-to-be is supper supportive and not likely to take sides or insert his opinion, ask him to be your sounding board.

First, remember that this is your wedding, your day, your money, you invite those who you want to invite. Period. Nothing is ever really that simple, right? Next question is: Do you know these parents? If you, your financee or your parents know the parents of the bridal party member then perhaps they should be invited. If they don’t live locally, you can possible cross them off based on this fact, if you are looking to cut down on your guest list. By no means do you need to make it equal. (DO NOT THINK:Invite the mother of a bridesmaid and therefore the mother of a groomsman too?) Overall, if the parents of a bridal party member are people you want with you on your day of celebration, then invite them.

Chances are the parents of other friends will not feel at all excluded, and they still might send a congratulatory gift!

I’ve just started hearing about a few engagements that took place around Valentine’s Day. If you are one of those people, a sincere congratulations to you!

One couple in particular is getting married at the end of the summer. A wedding, in exactly six months. I can hear the style guides and high-glam planners cringing with absolute fright. But I assure you, it is possible to have the wedding you want in six months or less. All it takes is some careful planning in the beginning and some diligent team work. By team work I am absolutely implying that if you have a mother or mother-in-law who wants to man the controls, by all means, this is the time they are needed. You really do need someone working on plans more than just on weekends.

Many vendors book up months and even years in advance so it may not be possible to have your choice of vendors. You do compromise some degree of choosiness but that doesn’t mean you have to give up on quality. Employ your friends and family to help you, you will need it for making phone calls and lining up vendors.

I have also written a detailed beauty checklist to follow leading up to your wedding. Many of these activities can be abbreviated when time is limited.

Here is an abbreviated to do list in you are planning to get married in less than six months:

Immediately:
Decide on your budget, color/theme, and make a thorough list of all the things you wish to incorporate into the wedding, include EVERYTHING, even things like newspaper announcement or embossed personalized napkins because for one it will help you decide what is really important to you, it will force you to prioritize and most importantly, delegate and ask for help. With this short of a time frame, you have to ask others, unless of course you don’t work and can spend forty plus hours a week planning your own wedding, in which case, you shouldn’t be reading my website.

Questions to ask yourself:
1. Will you hire a coordinator?
2. Will you have a separate ceremony/reception site, or will it be the same location?
3. Start looking for a gown, most likely, unless you buy off the rack or at a close-out sale, it will take a few months for the dress to be made and be shipped to you.
4. Create your guest list because this will determine what kind of venue size you need.
5. Register for gifts.

Vendors:
1. Book an officiant, NOW.
2. DJ or Band? You have a much better bet finding a DJ on shorter notice.
3. Caterer.
4. Florist.
5. Photographer.
6. Do them all now. Make phone calls and your first question needs to be: ARE YOU AVAILABLE ON MY WEDDING DATE? If they are, then talk specifics and decide if you want them.

Other important things to do:
1. Order invitations.
2. Book a honeymoon.
3. Select a cake.
4. Shop for rings.

Okay! Phew! That’s the short list of what you need to think about and do RIGHT NOW if you are getting married this summer and haven’t done anything yet.

And don’t stress too much, remember, weddings are happy times and should be FUN.

Having written for a wedding blog for over a year now, and in that year, having my own wedding, I am on about seventy gagillion email lists for various wedding paraphernalia. I usually just delete these emails but sometimes they give me ideas and sometimes it is just nice to indulge myself in a girlie moment and admire some pretty wedding invitations.

Hello Lucky is a great website featuring some gorgeous invitations.

Invitations can be a dark forest of options enough to make you choke on the words modern floral embossed script lettering, but sometimes it is just fun to look at the pretty ones.

Actually, invitations are important to setting the tone for your wedding. You can match it to the theme and color exactly or just use an elegant simple invitation and leave the colors and theme a surprise.

When picking your invitations it is important to remember above all to stay within your budget and to pick something that fits your personality and the tone of your wedding. When in doubt, go simple because too many colors and decorations and ribbons can detract from the information.

Join Disney Movie Club and Get 3 Movies for $1.99 Each! Plus Free Shipping!

A good friend of mine is getting married next month.

She is getting some very interesting responses from guests. Many of the guests, in fact, two thirds of them are personal friends of each set of parents. If you have ever had a wedding you know that these guests give good gifts and lot of money but, also just exist to cost you money and cause you to need more tables and stress over the seating arrangements.

My friend? She is patient. She is … quite kind.

A guest recently replied the following:

“Will attend” was crossed out.

“Might attend” was penciled in.

A note was attached to call them a week, a WEEK! before the wedding to find out if they would be attending. Upon calling to clarify the note, it was discovered that they said, not to worry about food or final counts but that they would bring their own food!

Ya’ll … a wedding requires a lot of planning. The bride is stressed enough. Don’t send messages like that! Ever! Either you will attend or not attend, and you must decide with great certainty, barring emergency situations, by the date the reply is requested.

Clearly this guest did not consider a table and seating arrangement. Nor did they realize that unless you have a medical condition, bringing your own food is rude. And! In most venues, it is illegal, according to local health codes to bring your own food into an establishment that serves their own.

If you don’t know how to be a good wedding guests, or if you just want to check on your recent etiquette, read this entry here.

If you want a really good laugh, read this entry where I wrote to a relative who had made very person inquiries as to her “needs” at my wedding.

In looking back at my archieves, I’ve written a lot about being a good guest, being good to your guests and it never ceases to amaze me when people are inconsiderate. The most important thing to remember is that if you are invited as a guest, be gracious and thankful. If, for any reason, you don’t feel gracious toward those who invited you, be the better person, the more respectable person, and send regrets. Remember, an invitation is a courtesy, just because you aren’t invited doesn’t mean you weren’t considered, be aware of space and money constraints that people undoubtedly face when having a wedding.

And if you go to the wedding, be a good guest and have a great time!

While it is not at all required or necessary, it can be helpful if your wedding has a color scheme or a theme to work with. It gives all the vendors something to build around. It helps determine what flowers will work best; unless of course, you KNOW what you want already. It can help you look for exactly what you want, among the myriad of choices and options.

Black and white is a classic theme. It is elegant and sophisticated and can make up for a lack of that in the venue while at the same time, it can enhance an already elegant and fabulous venue. All of the wedding colors can seem intimidating and black and white actually goes with anything, anywhere and at any time of day or year.

Here are some pictures to get you thinking about a black and white theme.

Remember, touches of color are very much okay too.

Bridesmaids in black dresses:

Invitation, black ink on white paper:

Bouquet, keeping with the black and white theme:

Simple centerpieces for a black and white theme wedding:

And, finally, a wedding isn’t a wedding without the cake:
And I couldn’t choose just one!

black and white, wedding theme, black bridesmaid dress, black and white wedding cake, hydrangea centerpiece, calla lily bouquet, wedding, bride

All weddings need invitations. I suppose you could just publish an advertisement in a free paper or ride on horseback through town announcing it with a bullhorn, but that might be energy misspent.

If you plan on using an invitation business to print up some invitations for your upcoming wedding, it helps to know a few basics first. The website below gives a detailed glossary of paper terms, ink terms, envelope styles and fonts to help you learn a bit more before the decision needs to be made.

It also helps to have a budget — knowing the different levels of paper and ink quality before you go to the payment counter can really help you feel more in control of the situation.

The 411 on Invitations - a Glossary of terms you never thought you would need to know!

invitations, classic elegant invitation, glossary of invitation terms, wedding invitations

If you have been invited to someones wedding, please do not consider it an eye for an eye, an invite for an invite, simply because you invited them to your affair, doesn’t mean they have to invite you. However, they chose to invite you. They like your company, want to include you and want to celebrate their happiness with you. Keep in mind that you are unaware of their budget constraints, venue size constraints and planning issues in general. Just because someone you know is having a wedding out of town and they sent out their invitations REALLY early doesn’t give you permission to ignore the reply date and reply whenever you feel like it. Chances are, the engaged couple has lots of decisions to make and products and supplies to order for the wedding and we need a final count. Once it is two weeks after the deadline, we will assume you are not coming.

Thank you for allowing me the rant.

Now? Here are some pretty Spring time wedding bouquets.

10. Cry.

9. Yell at your dear fiancee.

8. Have you Mother call the relatives and kindly ask them if they are coming because we haven’t heard from them.

7. Threaten, on the Internet that you will serve them the vegetarian option simply because it is cheaper and drove you crazy with the not replying on-time.

6. Dis-Invite them.

5. Send emails to your friends casually asking how their new house-dog-baby-car is and happen to mention that you need to make other wedding arrangements and would appreciate an RSVP soon.

4. Give them an extra week, because! people have busy lives and forget about things as small and trivial as your wedding.

3. Cry and yell at the sheer horridness that is the above sentence.

2. Decide to put all of the people who replied late at the same table so they can be appropriately mocked.

1. Plot to have them phased out.

rspv, wedding, late rsvps, bride, groom

I’m sure ya’ll remember when I had a little *issue* with my invitation lady. Something over her not giving me all my envelopes.

I really gave the idea of sending my wedding invites a’la a postcard, but I just couldn’t figure out what to do with the reply card and besides, the postage I had carefully calculated would have gotten messed up.

I sent a few legal-ish letters her way with words like “I insist that you notify my by close of business blah blah blah” …

…

…

… …

Oh!

Sorry!

Opps!

See, that was the response to my daily emails, faxed letters, snail mail letters and voice messages on her office AND personal home phone.

I was furious. Like, hopping mad. I mean, you know how when it is cold outside and you can see your breath? Well, this morning my breath was coming out of my ears. That is how angry I was.

I had paid for a finished product and she didn’t provide and wouldn’t contact me as to why she had failed to perform as agreed.

Me and my darn high expectations of people. Is it “IN” this year to just be generally disrespectful and stupid? Let’s hope that isn’t too widespread.

In fact! It isn’t!

I started making calls today to other invitation companies telling them, sans details, my sob story. Because I am a bride! I deserve to be treated with a modicum of respect!

Give me my f&^%$#! envelopes, please. [bats eyelashes and sheepishly flips hair]

I talked with some really nice wedding-invitation ladies today. One was so nice, I am going to write her an excellent review, once I get her permission, of course. I had a plan in place to begin searching for new envelopes and a plan in place for accidentlal homicide, and a BBB complaint.

Then.

I got an email.

From her.

Unfortunately the calligrapher was unable to locate your envelopes. I am having the printer send you 15 inner and 15 outer envelops which will arrive at your home on Monday via UPS.

I kinda want to rip it apart and scream about how she really screwed me over at the wrong time, but I think I’ll wait until Monday and get my envelopes, and then send an email that says this.

The envelopes arrived. Thank you.

Because sometimes, you just have to put aside your own feelings, regardless of how strong they are or how adamant you are about your opinions, and just do the right thing.

I would also take a picture of my pretty invitations for you, but, I mailed them tonight.

My invitations are here. I told you all about it a few days ago. If you want to catch up, click here.

In fact, all but two envelopes are stuffed. However, they are not stamped. I bought my stamps online and they haven’t been delivered yet which is a bit of a bummer because I was hoping that Wednesday’s post would be a photo-entry about working on your invitations with your future-husband, versus working on them with a friend/future-bride. Alas! They are not here; the Internet shall never see the detailed saga, at least not for another few days.

My invitation lady has still not delivered my remaining envelopes. She told me she wanted the calligrapher to keep them in case I needed reprints. I said thanks but no thanks, I’ll take them. Does she actually think that if I needed a reprint that I would call her, when she never even replies to my darn emails?

I really want my extra envelopes back because I need to send a few extra invitations and, yes, I will address them myself. I might use labels.

GASP! HUAHHHH! That was the sound of my invitation lady gasping for breath. Haha psycho flakey lady … it SO doesn’t matter!!!
Maybe I need to reread my own entry about dealing with crappy vendors .

Oh well … I suppose I’ll just wait another day for the stamps and my extra envelopes.

I am becoming a massive bride-Zillah.

Eeek!

Oh! I bought my shoes! I bought them online because I need to have them for my first dress fitting which is scheduled in about a month. However, I hate shoe shopping when I actually need shoes. I love wandering around DSW when I don’t actually need anything but when I am on a definite search for a white shoe with open toes and a less-than-two-inch-heel … that’s annoying. Not to mention, very hard to find. The short heel is because Marc isn’t too much taller than me and I want a tiny bit of a heel but I don’t want to look taller in pictures.

So, I bought these…

There is a good chance that in your wedding planning process you will choose a vendor for something and that person will turn out to be less than stellar. They might not return your calls, answer your emails or really treat you and your wedding with the respect you feel it deserves.

Now, I’m not saying they should roll over on their backs and pay you to let them do business for you. Some might. But don’t count on it.

For the most part you will find that you are dealing with people who have been in the business long enough to understand that a bride is a little overwhelmed, at best, and most likely dealing with many stress-inducing issues from her family, her friends, trying to manage her day job (which she can’t quit because she needs the money and a fenced-in yard for her dog), keep her home clean and laundry washed, all while continuing to build and develop a deeper relationship with her intended, and plan this damn shindig, while smiling and not drinking too much or needing Xanax.

I really do have a host of excellent vendors, some of whom, with their permission, I will mention on this site at a later date. However, my invitation lady has been seriously less than stellar.

I found her at an Expo along with several other invitation vendors. She is the only one who called me. Yes! She contacted me and asked when it would be convenient for me to meet. So, I took this assertiveness as a good sign, little did I know, her concern for me and my business ended right there. I made an appointment, she had to cancel it then I rescheduled once more for mid-October.

I spent almost three hours with her on a Sunday afternoon. She knew I was interested in invitations with something vaguely beachy, Florida-ish or with a palm tree. Thus we began the search through many books for possible invitations.

During our first meeting, she spent about forty-five minutes talking about her own personal problems, her mother’s medical issues and random things that I didn’t mind too much at first, but when I look back, they just wasted my time.

I had so much time invested with her that I didn’t want to start over with a new vendor. This was my first mistake. I could see from her samples that she did decent work. I mean, we are not dealing with rocket science. And, for the record, to this moment, I don’t doubt that she can do her job and do it well, for that matter. She just fails miserably when it comes to communicating with her clients who happen to be stressed out brides-to-be who need to feel that they can depend on those they are paying for services.

Currently, as I write this, I have sent her three emails, one on Tuesday of this past week, one on Friday and one just minutes ago asking nicely when she expects my two corrected envelopes to be finished. Oh, by the way, she told me I would have it last week. My main complaint is that she won’t answer my emails or my phone calls, which I know she screens! I also asked her for my extra envelopes and she wanted to leave them with the printer to fix mistakes that I might find. I said, “No, I paid for them, I want them please.� If she fails to give me all but two that I told her she could keep for emergency address-changes, I will either yell at her, or publish her name here. I really just want my extra envelopes and I want to be done with her. I don’t really care about getting the corrected one because I can address one envelope myself if necessary.

The Moral of my invitation-lady woes is this: Follow your gut feelings with vendors. If you aren’t comfortable with them from the beginning, take the time to find someone you feel will really meet your needs and just be courteous with you. This is a difficult time in your life and if you are going to pay people for a service, you should be treated with dignity and with respect.

My invitations are here!

I have them, in my hands!

I only made one mistake so far.

I have a relative named Ed. I assumed he was Edward, lo, he is Edwin.

But MY INVITATIONS ARE HERE!!

WoooHoooooooh…!!!

Now, to figure the cost of stamps.

Lesson to all the brides of ‘07; be sure to factor in the cost of stamps because it will add a good $50 - $100 to your invitation budget.

The USPS allows for a $.39 stamp on all letter mail that weights up to (1) ONE OUNCE. My invitation consists of an outer envelope, an inner envelope, a not-too-thick one-sheet invitation, a reply card and envelope and a double sided info/map card.

Weighing a grand total of 1.1 ounces.

I’m one tenth of an ounce over weight and now I need the $.63 stamp.

Grrrr.

The Post Office sells a package of their wedding stamps together. There are twenty each of the $.39 and $.63 stamps on one sheet. How convenient! To mail my invitations it only cost me $69!!!

For a brief moment I considered using the Florida Wetlands Stamps since my wedding is IN Florida and I’m desperate for a way to be DIFFERENT, a way to STAND OUT, and possibly save five dollars. Maybe the only “different� thing I have am doing is blogging my entire wedding planning process. The only thing you don’t see is the screaming and occasional hair-pulling fits of rage. And, that is just my Mother-In-Law.

Just kidding, see, the MIL is an excellent butt for all jokes as I frankly wrote about here.

Stamps! Stuffing envelopes. My mom suggested having a little party to get it done. I sorta want to do it with Marc, or by myself. Suggestions? This is only one simple task. Should I blow it out of proportion and make it all girlie, or just get the darn things put together and stamped?

In case you have serious opinions on this matter, here is the Florida Wetlands Stamp that I did NOT use, as SARASOTA isn’t SOUTHERN FLORIDA WETLANDS enough.

All the wedding websites that have my email address just told me today with their LISTS and GUIDELINES that at five months out from my wedding I need to be working on the following:

1. What the groom will wear
2. Booking a calligrapher and,
3. Transportation.

Well, the groom and I discussed a few months ago that I, the bride, aka: the one around whom which the world revolves asked said groom to please choose a nice three-piece tan suit to nicely match the pink and sand colors chosen by said bride.

My groom had a deadline of Thanksgiving weekend.

I still don’t know what he decided.

Tomorrow is the last night of Chanukkah and Christmas is on Monday.

Our more personal dilemma is that my dear fiancée’s family was once upon a time, the owners of a large formal wear company; therefore, they have a certain affinity toward tuxedos.

I, on the other hand, well… I don’t. I really just want a more casual feel at my wedding. When I wear tuxedo equivalents like dresses that require pantyhose and spandexy things, I feel stuffed into my clothes and pudgy. It is very important to me that I feel comfortable on my wedding day. I do not want to feel stuffy and definitely do not want to feel any ass sweat. Thus, we have unresolved issue #173.

Ah! The calligrapher. In an effort to save money and stretch my budget even further, I was planning to use labels. Eekkk! Stop! Don’t throw things at me!

I have been severely chastised for this choice many times over. I am only mad at myself for not insisting even more so, that it isn’t class-less, crude or a horrible breach of etiquette to use address labels. What it is, is cost efficient! I will go on the record saying, you can buy sheets of clear labels and print them yourself with nice pretty fonts and it is very easy and very inexpensive. However, your “Invitation Lady” will undoubtedly tell you that you are committing wedding crime #4,735 if you even mention not using her friend the calligrapher.

Part of what I couldn’t get on board with was the notion that some lady was going to sit down and sift through all my beautiful, untouched invitations and use calligraphy pens to address all the envelopes. Inner and outer! Then someone told me that, no, they just run them through a printer that makes it look like calligraphy.

Finally, the last task that the Internet is telling me I must get on top of right now is transportation. Please! The wedding is in Florida. I will most likely have to drive or fly. If I decide to walk, I will leave next week.

Two out of three isn’t bad, eh?

I do suggest that when you begin your wedding planning, you collect a few of these guidelines and use them to create one of your own that highlights your specific needs and important dates.