Wedding Tactics

I’ve been writing for Wedding Tactics for a full year now. When I started maintaining this site I didn’t know what it would become and how long I’d be writing. In fact, at the time, 451 Press was still just getting off the ground. In fact, its been pretty amazing watching the network grow along with my site.

My first posting discussed the differences between a marriage and a wedding. The first few months following this entry I used the planning of my own wedding as a guide for what to write about.

A few times I mentioned the issues in gaining a new set of parents and specifically, the mother-in-law.

I wrote a lot about dresses and veils and accessories.
And for a few months I had featured columns on certain days of the week, Trends on Tuesday and Traditions Thursday. I used these headlines as a means to explain traditions like the tossing of the garter.

April was a very popular month on this site. My stats went thru the roof, but that was a very popular wedding time of year. I get asked frequently about the Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, Something Blue thing. The meaning and its history are detailed here.

One of my all-time favorite posting was about what guests should wear to a wedding. I noticed during the Spring months that several clothing stores were featuring lines of dresses for wedding guests. This is a good guide to style options depending on the wedding venue.

I got married in May. Then, I started a new job in June and my postings got a bit less frequent for awhile. Meanwhile, I did profile some great summer wedding themes.

As the year went on I tried to focus on all the different issues surrounding weddings, including mens clothing, or, tuxedos and a few funny stories too, like this one about a guy who lost his wedding ring.

And, finally, the most recent repeating column, Wedding Tactics: On Location, features vendors and venues in random cities. By featuring actual wedding business providers across the nation, I hope that readers from all states will be attracted to read and follow along and also to ask questions and participate in the Wedding Tactics dialogue. The On-Location feature can be seen here, here and here. And also here.

Thanks to all the readers who made this a successful year for me and 451 Press. I look forward to another even better year here.

Happy New Year!

Nobody wants to hear or think “Ooops!” on their wedding day, but of course, things happen.

Bad weather. Vendors get stuck in traffic; mix up an order, or worse. Relatives show up late for pictures or an older Aunt is far less mobile than before and she needs assistance getting around the wedding site.

If you think ahead about a few of these issues you can head off the “Ooops” before it happens.

If your wedding is small and you know all your guests this is simple enough to do on your own, if your wedding is over one hundred guests, employee a family member or close friend who knows the guest list to help you consider some of the following.

1. If you have older Grandparents, are they able to walk around and be in the spot you want them to for pictures? If not, choose an alternate site to have pictures with them. Consider allowing them to sit down in the reception area during the cocktail hour so that they can enjoy the party but not have to stand for too long.

2. Supply a bridesmaid or groomsman or relative with a list of the vendors and their contact information in case the cake is late or the DJ isn’t on time, you’ll have someone looking out for these things before the moment the party begins and they can make necessary calls while you are getting ready or having pictures done and it won’t hinder the flow of the main event.

3. Weather. Everyone tells you it is good luck to have rain on your wedding day. Luckily, I did not get to test this theory; however, it is always good to have a back-up plan if your event is outside, or even for parking and walking to the site. Well in advance of the wedding, speak with the events and banquet coordinator at your venue and ask about alternatives for bad weather. Find out when they have to make a decision, for example, if a temporary rain shower moves through the area a few hours before the outdoor ceremony, the arch or chuppah or chairs and decorations will get wet, and most likely, if this is the time of set-up, they won’t be able to set up outdoors. Ask about the options and know what they are. Then - don’t even think twice about it. Because? When it comes to the day of your wedding and you are within hours of walking down the aisle, you can’t worry about those details and hopefully, you are resolved to the notion that the only thing that matters is that you are able to get married. Rule of thumb: Have back-up plans but then don’t fret over them.

Hopefully you won’t have any “Oops” moments on your special day, but if you do, go with the flow. Many times, guests who don’t know what was “supposed to” happen won’t notice the difference and just stay focused on having fun because this is YOUR day.

wedding planning, “oops”, wedding mishaps, bad wedding vendors, planning for problems, how to help older guests, bad weather options

My wedding is over.

I have been married for eleven days.

I have honeymooned and returned to the eye-ticking, irritating pace of having to go back to work tomorrow.

My wedding was very totally awesome! All my planning was well worthwhile. I had more fun that I ever expected to have. I ate my entire dinner. I danced a hell of a lot! There were kisses and hugs and dancing and the cake was so damn good - and you know so many times wedding cakes just taste like cardboard.

I am full of positive experiences and lessons learned and assvice from an amateur-turned-pro. No seriously. I’m not going to write about how I have had a wedding therefore I KNOW weddings. I am going to spend the next few weeks writing about my wedding, my planning experiences, my lessons learned, with the hope that it helps someone else. I will tell stories and post pictures and share my emotions of the day, the days before the wedding and the honeymoon - from planning it to what to expect and how much time to allow between international connections on American Airlines when traveling through Miami Airport. GOD.

Before my wedding I used certain days of the week to write certain topics and I wasn’t so thrilled with that. I’ve been feeling too confined and there were times when I wasn’t able to write what I wanted because I couldn’t make it work with a Trend or Tradition or Question-Answer.

I will leave you now with some pictures. If you are getting married before I am able to post of all of my lessons learned, most of all … have fun. I cannot emphasize this enough. And I know you are rolling your eyes at me because! Of course you will have fun at your wedding. In the hours leading up to your wedding, there is not much you can do. The flowers will or will not show up. The cake will or will not be delivered. Most likely, your guests are in town and are getting dressed for the event or taking a much needed nap. I suppose this all works well with careful pre-wedding planning.

I will also talk a lot about what people told me, especially the bold-lettered articles in all the seventeen pound magazines that consist of five hundred pages of advertisements and three articles that say: Make your wedding reflect your personal style and taste. What if you don’t know your personal style? I thought I did, but as time went on I learned a lot more about myself. I will share the details of what worked for me. Scheduling, vendor relationships, travel, timetables, family issues, ohmyholyhell, the family issues!

I am thrilled to be married. I really am. Marc and I spent at least three days calling each other “wife” and “husband”. We were giddy with what we had just done. We still are. Each day still feels sort of new. We have lived together for two years, owned a house together for six months, gotten pregnant a month before the wedding, but, this does feel new. There is a higher level of commitment and authority and respect and a whole new awesome sense of belonging to each other, our new family, and our old respective families. Speaking of the “new” … I will make sure I spend an entire entry on the issue of name changing. I am totally in the middle of changing my name right now. My new social security card is in the mail. My bank knows me as Stacy Kravitz. But, I can still deposit checks made out to Stacy Ochsman. WTF?

Oh! My ceremony. Amazing. Beautiful.

Surprises? Nothing bad I can think of.

Good? One of our best friends made a video of our entire ceremony and reception. We haven’t seen it yet, but we had no idea he was going to do this.

I have many details to share and hopefully, many readers to re-lure.

Pictures? Anyone…?

And finally … some of the fun,

One month, one week and two days.

One month, nine days.

Thirty-eight days.

No matter how you say it? It’s all the same really.

There is good news and bad news at this point. I went onto TheKnot.com and printed my To-Do list. It is ONLY two pages! Whoo Hooo! That is the good news.

The bad news? I have a two-page To-Do list!

I went through my binder last night to weed out the unnecessary information. I no longer need any paperwork about my invitations because they have been sent and all but four people replied. Those four people who never sent the reply card back? I put a curse on you! May your socks fall down into your shoes and my you have a massive front-of-your-head cowlick for a whole year.

So, as I was toss all these great pictures I had printed for “ideas” into the circular filing bin, I was sad that I no longer needed ideas but was quickly, very quickly reminded that I don’t need “ideas” because I have already made a million and one decisions and I only need to keep the ONE picture of my hair style, and ONE picture of my dress. I don’t need seven sheet covers back-to-back of potential bouquets because I have already chosen mine. And it will be … fine.

Prior to this wedding planning experience I was not a good decision maker. I mean, I chose to buy a house with Marc and I am certain of my decision to marry him, but the little ones, like, should the dining room table have placemats or a tablecloth would drive me totally insane. It’s the OCD tendency to doubt oneself. I am not usually committed to certain outfits or to hairstyles and sometimes I even wonder if my engagement ring looks better on my right hand?

This process has forced me to make choices and live with them. I definitely want a nice wedding, but a five thousand dollar floral bill does not a nice wedding make. What makes the occasion special is the feeling, the company, the guests, what you say and how you say it. It matters so much more what I saw in my vows than what I spend on the centerpieces.

My mother-in-law saw a wedding in my venue a few months ago and reported to me that they had big tall centerpieces with arrangements of calla-lilies. I knew that callas would be way beyond what I wanted to spend. I knew that I didn’t care what people thought about the room, or what they thought about me based on their guess of what I spent to entertain them. A wedding is not about entertaining your guests or impressing your guests.

STEPPING OFF MY SOAP BOX NOW …

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Sometimes I need to write things like this to remind myself that $700 on cake is outrageous but at this point, I just need to accept it. And hope for the biggest damn piece they cut!

Dear Stacy,

I’m a little early in my wedding planning but I have an important issue that is really stressing me out. My parents and my fiancée’s parents are very different. I am from Nebraska; my parents are career-farmers. My fiancée, ironically, was born and raised in Manhattan and his parents are NYC socialites. Both families are coming to visit us, in Washington, DC for Easter this coming weekend and we don’t know where to go for dinner or what to do with them during the day because they are just SO different. Please! Suggest something or send magic fairy dust.

Ok. Hum. Yes, this is a very valid issue and you are NOT the first bride to face this cultural gap. I do think it is rockin’ awesome that you and your fiancée are from such totally different backgrounds. Instead of focusing on the differences, celebrate the diversity that you two represent as a couple.

As far as your parents are concerned, chances are they are both very happy with their lives. They are living where they want to live, and doing what they want to be doing. They are both happy couples. So they won’t be discussing the growing season, late frost, or the latest trend on Park Avenue, but they do have you all in common. They both adore their children and are happy to see them moving along in life. Chances are they will be interested in each other and find each other’s facade to be not as intimidating as you are anticipating.

Also, stay focused on what is important. Are you talking about the wedding? Budget? Location? If so, have an outline of what needs to be decided THIS WEEKEND and what is just being put on the table for discussion. If you do not want to mention something, like, budget yet, you and your fiancée should each tell your respective parents before they arrive in town that you would like to avoid certain topics over the weekend. Most likely, they will respect your choices.

Where activities and restaurants are concerned … keep it neutral. Don’t want your Dad cheering about the Confederacy at the American History museum? Go to the Natural History Museum. Take a tour of the Capitol. Visit the Cherry Blossoms or a memorial. Try to visit places you are familiar with and you will feel more at ease and “in your own territory”.

Above all else, enjoy the time as three adult couples. This is a new time in your life. It is special, different, and full of change and emotions. Be in the moment. Don’t worry any more than you absolutely have to because it will all work out.

I survived another wedding-planning weekend with my in-laws. I was alone. No Marc to support me and help me through the myriad of decisions and color choices and short or long table cloths.

I have a list of about twenty things to do, buy, make and get to Florida in the next month. I have specific dollar amounts due in three weeks.

I have no been to the gym in over four days. Eeek! My only exercise was an hour long walk yesterday with my in-laws and twenty-minutes of sweating in the hot tub the night before.

I did take pictures. In fact, I took over an hundred pictures of my hair style trial and my make-up trial. I also left them on my camera chip at home. So, I guess you’ll have to wait until May to see them. I will try to give some sort of sneak-preview later in the week.

My dress? The one I was freaked the heck out about having it NOT fit because of some previously mentioned weight loss. It fits me. It needs alterations, but just larger ones than it needed before. Once they alter the halter-top to fit me they will do the hem. It looks so pretty and so, … me. It is very Florida. It is white. It has some beading but is very simple. And, to make my Mom proud, I bought a veil too. And I must admit it is pretty too.

I did a lot of this trying on and getting stuck with pins in the arms while my mother-in-law, my aunt-in-law, and Grandma-in-law watched from the sofa behind me.

Even though I lost a bit of weight, my dress still mostly fits me. I understand the alterations it needs. I still can’t wait to just put it on and have it fit!

My totally rockin’ most proud moment of the weekend was cutting $500 from my floral budget. I choose more orchids which are either native to Florida or easy and inexpensive to get. I stopped JUST looking at certain flowers and looked for other flowers in my colors. I simplified the Chuppah by not having flowers on the back side, but rather, just some greenery. I did not compromise on having an aisle lined with rose petals.

I’m really excited for the big day. I can’t wait to be married and stop planning this shindig. It is scary that some people are so excited for it because it makes me feel as though they have really high expectations for what the event will look like. But, all in all, they’ll get over it. Any real friends and real family members will come to see and celebrate with us, not for the food or to see how much cash we can fork over for flowers.

So. Much. To. Do.

Don’t even mention table assignments! Urgh!

Marc and I have a great idea for our parent gifts. (If you are one of our parents, please stop reading. NOW. Really. STOP.)

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…giving the parents time to think about leaving and not reading what is below.

… I was giving some thought to what we should give our parents as it is vaguely tradional for the almost-wed couple to give a few gifts at the rehersal dinner. Usually, a gift is given to all the attendants, members of the bridal party, and the parents.

I want to give our parents a little gift. I came up with the notion that we buy each of them, my mom and dad and Marc’s mom and dad a digital picture frame and we load the chip with 50+ photos of that specific family, pictures of each one of us as children, and then a few of Marc and myself together. I thought this was a great, unique and very special gift. Far more special than a Waterford crystal vase filled with Hershey’s kisses and hugs, accompanied by a note reading “Thanks for all your support, hugs and kisses, we wouldn’t be here without you.� That is not me. Or us.

Then! I started looking at prices for these so-called digital frames. HOLY HELL, they are NOT cheap, at least not from Brookstone. Then, I did some searching on Froogle.com and saw that you can get them for less than the cost of feeding five wedding guests. I think the digital frame with pictures specalized for each family is far better than, oh, say, a pair of socks that say Father of the Bride.

I happened to mention “parents giftsâ€? to my Aunt, who is very unmaterialistic and likes to tell me that I constantly flush my money away. She said that giving our parents a gift was unnecessary and a waste of money. But, I think it’s nice. Small or meaningful tokens are important, especially when given at such a special time as a wedding.

Some ideas for attendants gifts that the wedding websites are pushing aren’t so expensive, but also, aren’t too personal, such as:
A set of golfballs with wedding images on them:

I think it is important to thank the people who help you in your wedding planning, show you extensive support and love and spend their own money on traveling to your wedding. I want to give some small token gifts and few more serious “real meaning” gifts.

It isn’t easy to choose whe I get emails every other day telling me that some website has a sale on PINK MONOGRAMED FLASKS … I mean, dammit! I’m so excited, I better get seven of those now!

All this said, I think if you are going to give a gift, make it personal, and meaningful. Small gifts are nice ways to say thank you. However!! It isn’t required. The marriage license is REQUIRED, giving attendant gifts is not. See what I mean? There are a wide range of items in a wide range of prices. Do what you can and remember the end result and goal… a long healthy marriage.

I. FOUND. IT.

SEEEEEE!!!

…and then, immediately dialing my MIL!!!!

I’m just jumping on for a quick post to tell all of you out there that it is totally possible to have good conversations and good relationships with your Mother-In-Law. I know this because I just talked to mine for over an hour.

In-laws can be a bit of a dreaded issue.

Sort of a, slippery slope, no?

Or sometimes, just pure hell.

I have wonderful parents and great in-laws and I know I’m lucky for that.

In the coming weeks I will post some suggestions from time to time on how to talk with your family when they have wedding-related requests and demands. I will show you how to r.e.l.a.x and hear them, gently respond NO, and suggest ways to work out a few common misunderstandings and “issues”.

This isn’t to say that it isn’t great to blame things on them. They are great scape-goats sometimes. Personal note to Marc, when my mother is old and crotchy in a few or many years, you can totally blame things on her since I used your mom as an example in my blog, totally hypothetically of course. Returning to our regularly scheduled program… I stubbed my toe this morning and sort of cursed my mother-in-law (MIL) even though she is about 2000 miles away and has always thought good thoughts about my toes. See, total scapegoat.

Moral: Laugh! Communicate! Keep reading Stacy’s blog for actual TIPS on how to communicate with your family about your wedding, without needing wine or psychotropic medication.