Wedding Tactics

Dear Stacy: I am marrying a man with two children, ages 7 and 10. This is my first marriage, his second. It is important to us that they be a part of our wedding day and to keep them entertained, I thought they could each invite a friend to the reception. However, we want an adult party. My fiance thinks that people will be offended that they couldn’t bring their own children, but that we still had 4 kids running around the party. How can we handle this situation?

This is a touchy subject no matter what you choose because you will either end up with people disgruntled at your decision or a wedding that isn’t exactly what you want it to be. This is one of a handful of wedding issues where the debate is unfortunately unending.

First off, and it sounds like you have already done this, be sure that you and your partner agree on what you want for the wedding, that way, even if relatives and friends are upset, you have presented a united front and your families can’t blame each other.

Your finance does make a good point. It isn’t really, oh… I hate when I say these things, but it isn’t really “right” to have your kids there and not invite other kids. BUT! It’s your wedding, you are allowed to do whatever you want and people just have to accept that. (SIDE NOTE: I have friends getting married next year, the child issue is still being debated, they are much closer to my husband than to me. If they don’t allow kids, I will just stay home with Noah. You couldn’t pay me to camp out all weekend in a hotel in Random-Ass, New Jersey with a 16 month old and not even get the open bar benefit.) So, that said, some people may just decide not to attend. Can you accept that?

I would actually sort of recommend not letting the kids have a friend there. You said he has two kids, they can entertain each other, and more so, there will be a lot of family members there excited to see them and that might provide entertainment enough.

If you are at all on the fence, consider inviting kids and hiring a sitter to watch kids in an upstairs hotel room or at a local off-site home. Or, invite kids and then ask that they leave by 10pm so that there are a few adult-only hours for some good partying.

I respect your wishes and applaud you for tackling this issue head-on. The notion that you suggest isn’t really correct or acceptable by “etiquette” standards. If you can live with going wildly against Miss Manners, then by all means, go right ahead. I urge you to consider a few alternatives and specifically the idea that your kids may not need their own friends for entertainment.

The invitation arrived in the mail a month ago and you just sent back the reply card with a check next to will attend and chicken. You mark your calendar blackberry and head to your closet or the nearest department store to decide what to wear.

You might think to yourself that it IS easier to be in the wedding party because then you don’t have to choose your own clothes. Huh, tough call. There are a few simple rules to follow to ensure that you do not stick out like a sore thumb for being over or under dressed, or the lady with the stupid hat. The idea is to be dressed appropriately for the event, time of day, location and most of all, wear something that compliments your body, or really, doesn’t make you look like a whore. It is, after all, somebody’s wedding.

WOMEN:

A short dress or not-too-business like suit is acceptable for a casual or semi-formal daytime wedding. For an evening wedding, informal or semi-formal, think: country club, garden wedding, pool or lakeside, a cocktail dress is called for. If the wedding takes place midday and is formal, think: a VIP wedding, suits and dresses are appropriate and hats and gloves are optional, a la Jackie Kennedy. Evening and black-tie events dictate a long dress or a fancy short cocktail dress stepped up with glitzy accessories or a shoulder wrap. They may be few and far between, but a white tie ultra formal event calls for a long gown and extra glam like furs, and rented diamond jewelery.

MEN:

During the day a man should wear a dress shirt, pants and a sports coat. A suit is best for an evening wedding or a formal daytime wedding. You are safer if the suit is dark in color. A light colored suit is acceptable for a lakeside or beach wedding. I hope I don’t need to say, SUIT AND TIE. Please, please tell me that it implied that when I say wear a suit you know I mean, suit and tie. If you are attending a nighttime wedding or the invitation specifies black-tie, men should wear a tuxedo.

If you want to read more about how what is expected of a wedding guest and how to be a gracious guest, click here.

Wholly Matrimony just published a three-part piece about planning your wedding to achieve the maximum photogenic moments. The pictures featured here are from Darbi’s wedding. The most important things to be aware of if you are trying to get the best photos is location, time of day (daylight) and who your hire as a photographer. You should budget to spend more than usual on photography and spend time in the beginning interviewing photographers telling them what you hope to capture and looking at their portfolio to see that they are able to take the kind of pictures you are hoping for. Also, it might be useful to plan in extra time on the day of the wedding to travel around for different picture-taking locations.

Photo taken from Wholly Matrimony, a Stacy Reeves Photography picture.

This photo was taken by Stacy Reeves Photography, based in Dallas, Texas. Lara Adkins also photographed this wedding. She can be found HERE. Her specialty is exclusive weddings, worldwide! You don’t have to be having a Texas wedding to have this excellent photographer.

Most photographers will tell you that time of day impacts photo quality a great deal. The best, most forgiving and gentle light is that of morning and late day. But, talk to your photographer to get their take on when it is best to take your pictures.

Chances are you are going to want many pictures of different combinations of family members, PLAN AHEAD! Make a list and talk with your photographer to find out how much time they think they will need. Also, ask all of those friends and family members to be dressed and ready for photos at a certain time. Ask one relative to be in charge to getting them all there and assisting the photographers in getting people ready for photos. With the excitement of the day, people will be busy talking and mingling and this little photo op session can go one way longer than necessary if someone isn’t helping to keep on track.

The wedding website Alannah Rose recently featured a seating chart that I really liked. It seems to be a better concept than the little cards. I really like the way this looks and I wish I had thought about this for my wedding a few years back. A poster like this would be perfect at the entrance to a reception or at the cocktail hour. Because it lists the names (so neatly!) of all the guests it also doubles a nice piece of memory-material.

Alannah Rose also sells invitations, and offers samples. They have a great variety of really gorgeous stationery. I particularly like this menu card, definitely an “extra” but a nice touch at a highly formal wedding. As a plus, a menu card adds to your table decor.

This company is virtual but they are based in Australia.

Dear Stacy: Should I invite the parents of those in my bridal party to the wedding? Several of the groomsmen have been friends since they were children, over fifteen years now, while I’ve only known some of my bridesmaids for about two years and I certainly don’t know their parents. I feel that if we invite some of the parents, we should invite all. Do you agree? Please help me settle this issue without any hurt feelings.

Ah. I think this issue is more common that we might expect. When you are not the one planning the wedding all of these smaller debatable issues don’t seem so crisis of the day but I know that when you are deciding who to invite and what to spend every small decision seems monstrous. So, first things first, okay?

Sometimes it is easier to think about these issues when you are slightly removed from the situation, for example, go out for a coffee with a girlfriend who isn’t too involved in the wedding and who doesn’t mind hearing you wax poetic like about your wedding woes. If your husband-to-be is supper supportive and not likely to take sides or insert his opinion, ask him to be your sounding board.

First, remember that this is your wedding, your day, your money, you invite those who you want to invite. Period. Nothing is ever really that simple, right? Next question is: Do you know these parents? If you, your financee or your parents know the parents of the bridal party member then perhaps they should be invited. If they don’t live locally, you can possible cross them off based on this fact, if you are looking to cut down on your guest list. By no means do you need to make it equal. (DO NOT THINK:Invite the mother of a bridesmaid and therefore the mother of a groomsman too?) Overall, if the parents of a bridal party member are people you want with you on your day of celebration, then invite them.

Chances are the parents of other friends will not feel at all excluded, and they still might send a congratulatory gift!

I write frequently about what guests should wear to be dressed accordingly for a wedding. I think this is a very real issue for guests. At least it has been a huge debate for me in the past when I’ve had to attend a wedding. Weddings are big events often very see and been seenand it matters what you wear as a guest.

If you aren’t sure if the wedding is formal, semi-formal, or black-tie, it IS OKAY to call a host and find out. The best way to find out these details is to ask the mother of the bride or a bridesmaid. Of course, if you are close friends with the bride, she shouldn’t mind the call and will appreciate you asking, but in most cases contact a close family member or a bridal attendant for these little etiquette issues.

Here are some tips to follow in you need a quick reference guide:

Do’s and Don’ts for the Ladies

* Don’t wear white because it competes with the bride.
* Black and sequins are not appropriate for daytime weddings.
* It is OKAY if you are wearing the same color as the maids and moms … come on, you can’t be responsible for finding out what everyone is wearing and it really doesn’t matter.
* Be feminine, appropriate, and respectful in what you wear.
* Don’t wear anything overtly sexy.
* No clubwear.
* A pastel suit or soft floral dress for daytime or a little black dress for evening (after 6 p.m.) will take you almost anywhere.

Do’s and Don’ts for the Guys

* For men, the solutions are simple, a black tux, white shirt and black bow tie is considered the mainstream accepted dress.
* In trendier cities like New York and LA variation in the color of a tie is more accepted.
* Wear a dark suit and tie if the wedding is after 6 PM, and doesn’t say “Black Tie.”
* Don’t wear a tuxedo during the day time unless the event is specifically extremely formal.
* Do use good judgment if the invitation doesn’t specify the formality of the event. A dark suit and conservative tie will take you just about anywhere. Or…. ASK!

I’ve just started hearing about a few engagements that took place around Valentine’s Day. If you are one of those people, a sincere congratulations to you!

One couple in particular is getting married at the end of the summer. A wedding, in exactly six months. I can hear the style guides and high-glam planners cringing with absolute fright. But I assure you, it is possible to have the wedding you want in six months or less. All it takes is some careful planning in the beginning and some diligent team work. By team work I am absolutely implying that if you have a mother or mother-in-law who wants to man the controls, by all means, this is the time they are needed. You really do need someone working on plans more than just on weekends.

Many vendors book up months and even years in advance so it may not be possible to have your choice of vendors. You do compromise some degree of choosiness but that doesn’t mean you have to give up on quality. Employ your friends and family to help you, you will need it for making phone calls and lining up vendors.

I have also written a detailed beauty checklist to follow leading up to your wedding. Many of these activities can be abbreviated when time is limited.

Here is an abbreviated to do list in you are planning to get married in less than six months:

Immediately:
Decide on your budget, color/theme, and make a thorough list of all the things you wish to incorporate into the wedding, include EVERYTHING, even things like newspaper announcement or embossed personalized napkins because for one it will help you decide what is really important to you, it will force you to prioritize and most importantly, delegate and ask for help. With this short of a time frame, you have to ask others, unless of course you don’t work and can spend forty plus hours a week planning your own wedding, in which case, you shouldn’t be reading my website.

Questions to ask yourself:
1. Will you hire a coordinator?
2. Will you have a separate ceremony/reception site, or will it be the same location?
3. Start looking for a gown, most likely, unless you buy off the rack or at a close-out sale, it will take a few months for the dress to be made and be shipped to you.
4. Create your guest list because this will determine what kind of venue size you need.
5. Register for gifts.

Vendors:
1. Book an officiant, NOW.
2. DJ or Band? You have a much better bet finding a DJ on shorter notice.
3. Caterer.
4. Florist.
5. Photographer.
6. Do them all now. Make phone calls and your first question needs to be: ARE YOU AVAILABLE ON MY WEDDING DATE? If they are, then talk specifics and decide if you want them.

Other important things to do:
1. Order invitations.
2. Book a honeymoon.
3. Select a cake.
4. Shop for rings.

Okay! Phew! That’s the short list of what you need to think about and do RIGHT NOW if you are getting married this summer and haven’t done anything yet.

And don’t stress too much, remember, weddings are happy times and should be FUN.

Dear Stacy:

My fiancée and I live in Iowa and he works in the agriculture business. This only leaves us with a few months free each year to have a wedding, namely, January and February. Since these months also tend to bring bad weather we are concerned about having our wedding during this time. Is this time of year a deterrent for guests?

The decision of when to have your wedding isn’t always an easy one. On second thought, any date you choose, be it a Friday night, a Sunday evening, a holiday weekend, whatever … can pose potential travel and logistical issues for any guest. Obviously you can’t please all of your guests and if that was your goal the wedding would never be a success.

I have written before about weddings planned for rush hour times in major cities. To answer your question, yes, a wedding planned in the dead of winter in an area that tends to have frequent snowy weather is a slight deterrent to guests especially those traveling from out of town.

However! If this is the time of year that works best for you, and it seems from your question that it does, then by all means, have your wedding when it is most convenient for you, not for the guests. Alternatively, if it is very important to you to celebrate with your guests, consider having a small marriage ceremony in the winter and a reception or party at another time during the year when the guests can make it and when you can plan ahead to set aside the time away from work.

A … A-line skirt. Invented in the 1960s, it refers to a skirt that is slightly flared at the bottom, creating a very nice line for many body types.

B … Best Man: the term given to the head male assisting the groom in a wedding. In current times, a best man is generally responsible for planning a bachelor party, helping on the wedding day, holding the rings during the ceremony and providing friendly moral support to the groom and the couple.

C … Cut, Color, Carat, and Clarity The cour C’s of a diamond. Cut refers to the shape of the diamond, is it round, oval, pear shaped or emerald cut (rectangle). Color refers to the clearness of the diamond. Not all diamonds are alike. In fact, they are ranked on a scale of color from D to Z. But, for a ring, color usually only goes up to about a J. Anything higher and the stone will have a deeper yellowish to brown color. It is still a diamond, just not a clear diamond.

D … Diamond Engagement Ring

E … Engagement! The average first marriage engagement lasts 9-12 months and the average second marriage engagement lasts anywhere from three to six months.

F … Flowers! Most wedding ceremonies have many flowers as decorations. People use fresh, silk and dried flowers of all different colors and textures to create relaxing, romantic atmospheres for their wedding ceremonies. When it comes to choosing wedding flowers, the sky is truly the limit. You can spend as little as a few hundred to as much as thousands.

G … Guests. GUESTS. Guests can make a wedding the party that you want it to be. They give gifts and come to celebrate with you. They cost you the bulk of your wedding budget in food and alcohol and too often people decorate just to amuse the guests. Without guests, you really don’t have a wedding. It’s a catch-22. This article here talks about how to be a good guest, in a not-too-patronizing kind of way. This one here talks about what NOT to do, as a guest.

H … Honeymoon!!

I … Investment. Consider investing some of your wedding gifts so you can create a nest egg or just a small savings for household projects or future vacations.

J … Jewelery. In many cultures married people wear a wedding band as a sign that they are married. For many, this is as simple as a solid metal band made of gold, platinum, silver or titanium. Others prefer a fancier approach and their rings include diamonds and other stones. To see some modern day matching band sets, click here. And, to read about why should NOT take your ring off, ever really, but in public, click here. And read all the way to the bottom for ring cleaning instructions.

K … Kippot, or, yarmulke. In a Jewish wedding you will see the groom and all male guests wearing a head covering called a kippot.

L … Love. Don’t marry someone unless you really do love them. Marriage is not easy at times. Loving the person unconditionally will truly help in the tough times and make the good times even better.

M … Marriage. Wikipedia says marriage is an interpersonal relationship with government, social and religious recognition. Huh.

N … Nuptial. Nuptial is the adjective of Wedding. According to Wikipedia, it is used more in zoology to refer to mating season coupling, however, nuptials are also a marriage ceremony.

O … Outdoor weddings. Outside weddings are increasingly common and are a lot of fun. Usually reserved for the warm-weather months and more common in areas where the scenery is worth celebrating and can be incorporated as decoration in and of itself. Beach weddings, water-front weddings, boat-ride weddings, English-tea garden weddings are all very common wedding experiences.

P … Petals. Rose petals. Consider sprucing up your ceremony site by having rose petals line your aisle. It is a relatively inexpensive way to add some romantic detail to your ceremony site.

Q … Queen! At least you are for one day, so be sure to act like it! Remember that this is your wedding day. And you only get one. You have spent a lot of time planning and dreaming about this day, not to mention you have spent a lot of money on this day too. It is OKAY to be a little demanding and expect that people will put aside petty issues and just celebrate with you. Keep this in mind when dealing with annoying relatives and unruly vendors. You are paying the vendors to do a job for you and you have a right to expect that things be done according to plan and on time. From family members, you have a right to expect that they will put aside petty differences for a few hours for your sake. If they don’t, ask them to deal with these issues tomorrow because you would like the party to be a party.

R … Royal Doulton. Creators of china patterns and casual tableware.

S … Square Diamond.
Or, Princess Cut, as it is commonly referred to as is a very common style of engagement ring.

T … Tuxedo. Most men get married in a tuxedo. The most formal of men’s suits, tuxedos are easy and affordable to rent from a number of local and nationwide stores. Plan ahead and choose a tuxedo style and pattern about four months prior to your wedding so that all the groomsmen and fathers have time to get fitted and secure their rentals.

U … Unwind. Be sure to take some time prior to your wedding to spend some relaxing time with your family. It’s a special time and it will help you relax and focus on your big day ahead.

V … Vera Wang. Not only making dresses these days, Vera Wang has a line of household goods including china, silver and glassware.

W … Winnie Couture

X … X-tras! Be sure to keep an eye out for extras in your wedding planning. Ask all your vendors if they have seasonal specials or even reduced prices for holding your event at less popular times, like Sunday afternoons, Friday evenings and after a holiday weekend.

Y … Yolanda Couture.

Z … Zzzzz…… Sleep! Be sure to get some sleep the night before your wedding. It will help you keep going strong all day and make you feel better too. If you haven’t gotten much rest during your months spent wedding planning, be sure to plan a relaxing honeymoon where you can get plenty of rest. On a beach, in a hammock, on a boat, in the sun, in bed on a rainy afternoon …. many couples spend the first day or so of their honeymoon catching up on much needed rest.

A bride’s best friend can often times be her emergency bag on the day of the wedding.

The Bridal Kit is a key item to have on hand while you are getting ready and during the actual wedding. It’s always nice to put a basket of goodies in the women’s bathroom for all to access on the day of. These baskets usually contain hairspray, mints, lotion, bobby pins, clear nail polish (to repair a run in pantyhose), Vaseline to use as lip gloss, a comb and brush, girlie/feminine products (no explanation needed here) (my last and final two male readers just ran from their monitors screaming, too) and some Tylenol, stain remover, band-aids and Kleenex.

If you are getting ready at home you don’t really need all of these things in addition to your own products and supplies. It is a great necessity if you are dressing on-location at the country club, restuarant, or church. If a bridesmaid makes this basket for you, consider putting it the women’s restroom at your wedding venue for all to use. I have personally seen these things get a great deal of use.

How to Make a Bridal Emergency Kit:

This handy basket can be prepared for about thirty dollars if you are frugal and patient enough to find the supplies. Start at a dollar store and get a basket or pretty make-up bag. Check Bargain Styling for frequent postings about sales too. Buy any small sizes of the items listed above. Next, visit a Target or drugstore and take advantage of the aisle of travel-sized necessities. These are perfect for this use and each item is normally about $.50 - $1.

And, add a package of crackers or a bag of pretzels, sometimes you forget to eat or get busy and miss a meal. When you are about to walk the aisle as a bride, bridesmaid or even if you are just a guest and are helping out, this is SO NOT THE TIME to feel queasy and lightheaded from low-blood sugar.

Pack the bag full and add a little note and present this to the bride-to-be.

She’ll be thrilled to have one more thing LESS to do and it’ll keep all the lady guests happy.

bridal kit, emergency kit, supplies, bridesmaid, gift, snacks, personal items, wedding day

A good friend of mine is getting married next month.

She is getting some very interesting responses from guests. Many of the guests, in fact, two thirds of them are personal friends of each set of parents. If you have ever had a wedding you know that these guests give good gifts and lot of money but, also just exist to cost you money and cause you to need more tables and stress over the seating arrangements.

My friend? She is patient. She is … quite kind.

A guest recently replied the following:

“Will attend” was crossed out.

“Might attend” was penciled in.

A note was attached to call them a week, a WEEK! before the wedding to find out if they would be attending. Upon calling to clarify the note, it was discovered that they said, not to worry about food or final counts but that they would bring their own food!

Ya’ll … a wedding requires a lot of planning. The bride is stressed enough. Don’t send messages like that! Ever! Either you will attend or not attend, and you must decide with great certainty, barring emergency situations, by the date the reply is requested.

Clearly this guest did not consider a table and seating arrangement. Nor did they realize that unless you have a medical condition, bringing your own food is rude. And! In most venues, it is illegal, according to local health codes to bring your own food into an establishment that serves their own.

If you don’t know how to be a good wedding guests, or if you just want to check on your recent etiquette, read this entry here.

If you want a really good laugh, read this entry where I wrote to a relative who had made very person inquiries as to her “needs” at my wedding.

In looking back at my archieves, I’ve written a lot about being a good guest, being good to your guests and it never ceases to amaze me when people are inconsiderate. The most important thing to remember is that if you are invited as a guest, be gracious and thankful. If, for any reason, you don’t feel gracious toward those who invited you, be the better person, the more respectable person, and send regrets. Remember, an invitation is a courtesy, just because you aren’t invited doesn’t mean you weren’t considered, be aware of space and money constraints that people undoubtedly face when having a wedding.

And if you go to the wedding, be a good guest and have a great time!

I just read a great article online about how to be a good wedding guest.
Unfortunately there are many people out there who have missed this article and will never read it.

Just in case, I will summarize in my own words what makes a good wedding guest.

This entry will also allow me to whine about one of my wedding guests in particular who did not send back the reply card, but when we called them, told us they were coming, but then called back to tell us they were having “the chicken”. They also didn’t give us a gift. Not that gifts are the end all - be all. But! They demonstrated very little tact and gentility toward our wedding. The most shocking thing and what made this so unexpected is that they should have understood the issues of replying on time, because they are getting married THIS month. Therefore, I chalk it up to careless rude behavior.

I know, I am a tab bit hard to please and my standards are sky high, but, whatever, I’m married now, so it doesn’t matter, right?

Anyway, to be a good guest, you just need to express some thanks for being invited and some mindfulness on replying on time. A good guest is not defined by one who gives a lot of money or lavish gifts. Quite the opposite! Just be grateful the couple chose to involve you in their most important day.

So, Congratulations! You’ve been invited to a wedding. Read the invitation and reply card carefully. Make a note of who is invited; you and a guest, you and a spouse, you and your family with kids. Chances are the engaged couple has thought very long and hard about your and guest or and family situation. Don’t ask to bring people who are not invited. I don’t particularly like any of the exceptions to this rule, however, if the engaged couple hasn’t seen you in a few months and there is someone new in your life who is quite important (defining this role is a slippery slope, however), call the couple and tell them you are dating someone very special and if they have room you would love to bring them, but you fully understand if they are faced with limited seating. If you are told you may bring a guest, by all means, be sure to bring someone, as they will have paid for another plate.

One more rule of being a good guest: ARRIVE ON TIME. In fact, arrive early. Weddings start at the time listed on the invitation. Consider the time it takes to part and walk to the venue and be seated. Plan to arrive 15-30 minutes prior to the ceremony.

Another guest of mine, who lived in the Country Club development where I was getting married arrived five minutes late and walked down the aisle after my family and just before me! I was NOT pleased.

Wedding are expensive. The couple chose to include you in something very special to them. Give a gift, within your means of course and have a good time!

being a good wedding guest, guest etiquette, wedding etiquette, arrive on time to the ceremony