Wedding Tactics

If you have already chosen a date for your wedding you know firsthand what a delicate little woven web it is to avoid offending people, trying to make people happy and manage to get married before the end of the decade. For all you recently engaged couples who are still “thinking it over” and “not yet settled on a date” … here are some tips, pitfalls to look out for and general complaints you can expect to hear.

The wedding over a holiday weekend debate meant that travel would be more expensive but people wouldn’t necessarily have to take as much time off from work. I thought I would feel guilty for taking someone’s intensely coveted three-day weekend. Although, in hindsight, I didn’t think much about it once the date was chosen and the invitations were in the mail. What seems huge today will be a faint memory tomorrow.

I got engaged in July, and I always knew I wanted a Fall wedding. That meant that we either had a wedding in December (yes, I know, not so much autumn anymore and also soon) … or we waited a year and a half.

I was not going to wait a year and a half.

Marc also said NO to December for that whole too soon reason. Men! If you can train for a marathon in four months; you can plan a wedding in four months.

When we finally decided where we wanted to get married, we just looked at the dates they had available and the openings began in early May. I did not want to get married on Mother’s Day or Memorial Day. May 20th was the earliest that our venue was available, so, that’s how we decided on our date.

I had friends beg me not to get married in December because they had another wedding to attend the week before, also in Florida and that would have been a lot of traveling for them.

My brother-in-law-to-be also asked me to move my wedding date, after I had put down a deposit, because his girlfriend’s sister was getting married the weekend before, and that’s just a lot of wedding-time for them. Sorry guys, you’ll get over it.

So much for my Fall wedding, or my December wedding.

We chose our date based on what was available at our venue. This was really just the beginning of the flexibility I would need to extend for wedding planning.

A little over a year ago I wrote this post and it really sums up why it is important to get your plans locked in place and then just enjoy yourself. I really need to spend today with my son, relaxing and recovering from a long weekend of my in-laws visiting. I hope this post finds you well.

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED: March 28. 2007

I’m getting married in 52 days.

And, yes, I’m totally excited and YES! totally stressed.

What about? You ask.

Everything. I’m worried about leaving my pets with a pet-sitter for two and a half weeks. I can’t decide between having my mail held and having my pet-sitter/house-sitter pick up my mail. I am concerned that I will forget to bring my garter (which is SO cool by the way, of course, pictures AFTER the wedding) with me to Florida. Just this past weekend someone started talking about the rain/inclimate weather alternatives … and after I stopped hyperventilating and sweating I calmly retorted, “Fine. I agree. Have a plan. Don’t tell me what it is or anything about it. If you have to move things because of rain, that’s fine. I don’t want to know until the day of the wedding, because then I won’t care, I’ll just want to be married.”

The being calm? Felt great.
The not caring? Even more great.

It’s a real toss up between freaking-out and not caring but I figure it will all work out in the end.

After the flowers have been chosen and the food options tasted, the dress altered and the tuxedo rentals secured, the plane tickets purchased and the hotel blocks reserved, the ketubah waiting for me in Sarasota and the kippots ordered there is a definite release of stress as you cross these items off of your MUST-DO list. However, you might remember that you still haven’t had a second meeting with the Rabbi, and you still need to arrange for your parents flights to the wedding destination and you want to lose five more pounds and avoid a stress-related break-out, you start to feel that rapid-heartbeat Oh-Shit feeling returning to your every waking step.

Getting married is a huge, life-changing event. Even if you have lived with your partner, there are new levels of shared property and space. At this point, I am really excited. I do waiver between being stressed and being blasé about the details. I think that is normal.

Slowly you become closer to your partner. Slowly the families accept your wedding choices. As the entire event starts to come together, you might even find yourself sitting back and smiling. At least until a distant relative who calls you and wants to know if they can bring their children and babies to the wedding and if the food is kosher and the fish wild-caught.

See? I can still laugh and drive at the same time. In fact, I was on the way to my hair and make-up trial when this was taken. And, I had just saved $500 on my florals. Total score!

wedding stress, bride, ketubah, kippot, pet-sitter, wedding, wedding tactics

While you really don’t need too much stuff on your honeymoon, it can be good to have a guideline as to what you should consider packing.

If you are going to a beachy resort here are things that will come in handy:

- Swimsuits (two or three for girls, at least two for the guys)
- Beach Cover-ups (be sure to check the guidebooks, some island nations are more conservative and resorts prefer that you wear full cover-ups when walking from your room to the pool or beach)
- Sunglasses
- Hat (Ladies… consider a wide-brimmed hat, it will protect your face, neck and shoulders from the strong tropical sun-rays) Also, for guys and gals, that tropical sunshine is really strong and your hair part WILL burn. Wear a damn hat, folks.
- A small shoulder bag or tote to use as beach and pool bag
- Flip-flops
- Several (2-3) tank tops and nice t-shirts
- Several (2-3) pairs of shorts and pants, think khaki dress pants or linen pants or shorts
- 2 or 3 skirts and dresses (in those formal, conservative places you’ll love having dresses)
- Cocktail dress
- Cardigan or wrap for those cool nights
- Sandals for day and evening (Men will need a pair of closed-toe shoes for the restaurants at night)
- Purse and, or an evening bag
- Sleepwear
- Sexy lingerie
- Gym clothes, socks and tennis shoes
- Sunscreen
- A book, magazine, iPod or portable DVD player — think beach and poolside entertainment

For more tips on honeymoon travel, click here.

It isn’t much of a secret that traditional weddings use a lot of STUFF and are not exactly known for being earth-friendly or resourceful. But you can change that starting right here! With just a little forethought and some action plans you can make your wedding environmentally friendly, economical and create less waste.

By considering where your wedding food and decorations are coming from and making a few simple choices and changes you can help to eliminate transportation fees and added traffic. Using an on-site caterer for all of your food and beverage needs, as well as having the cake prepared on-site will take a refrigerated truck off of your local roads and you will be saving the fees associated with those deliveries.

Florists usually have delivery fees as well and they cart those gorgeous blooms around in a truck, a big ‘ole refrigerated one, which means more gas and more environmental impact. Consider negotiating with them to deliver a day or so before hand and use the refrigerator on-site to store the flowers until the event, if they are able to deliver at a less traffic-congested hour or when it is more convenient for them, they might be willing to waive delivery fees and you won’t be making any more traffic.

Weddings often give out programs which use several different kinds of paper and often ribbon too. If you put out a collection box near your gift or cake table people can return them so you can save them or dispose of them responsibly at your local recycling center. Or, just skip this step and save yourself the cost and time of preparing programs which usually just result in paper waste.

Jewish weddings usually give out personalized yarmulkes. If you take it home and lay it inside of a drawer you can have the perfect soft and contained spot for a rings or pair of earrings.

Also, consider printing your invitations on recycled paper and print on the back side a request that they be recycled.

Just by taking a few minutes to consider alternatives and other uses for items used in your wedding you can make a big impact on your local environment, and often times, your wallet.

I have written this article several times before but I love this concept, so I revised a few of the issues and here it is again folks. Be a good guest. It matters. And if you have a bad guest, email me (thestacy@gmail.com) and tell me all about it and print out this here GEM of an article, if I do say so myself and mail it to them.

Unfortunately there are many people out there who have missed this article and will never read it so I’ve decided to summarize a few general concepts and hope that this web-page finds ALL OF YOUR guests, you know, just in case.

First: Send back the damn reply card. On time. Don’t ADD to the choices for food options. Be gracious and choose one. If you have an allergy or a special medical need, bring your own food or if you know the family well enough, contact someone other than the bride or groom, possibly a mother, sister or close friend of the couple and ask them if an alternative is available.

I know, I am a tab bit hard to please and my standards are sky high, but, whatever, I’m married now, so it doesn’t matter, right?

Anyway, to be a good guest, you just need to express some thanks for being invited and some mindfulness on replying on time. A good guest is not defined by one who gives a lot of money or lavish gifts. Quite the opposite! Just be grateful the couple chose to involve you in their most important day.

Congratulations! You’ve been invited to a wedding. Read the invitation and reply card carefully. Make a note of who is invited; you and a guest, you and a spouse, you and your family with kids. Chances are the engaged couple has thought very long and hard about your and guest or and family situation. Don’t ask to bring people who are not invited. I don’t particularly like any of the exceptions to this rule, however, if the engaged couple hasn’t seen you in a few months and there is someone new in your life who is quite important (defining this role is a slippery slope, however), call the couple and tell them you are dating someone very special and if they have room you would love to bring them, but you fully understand if they are faced with limited seating. If you are told you may bring a guest, by all means, be sure to bring someone, as they will have paid for another plate.

One more rule of being a good guest: ARRIVE ON TIME. In fact, arrive early. Weddings start at the time listed on the invitation. Consider the time it takes to part and walk to the venue and be seated. Plan to arrive 15-30 minutes prior to the ceremony.

Weddings are expensive. The couple chose to include you in something very special to them. Give a gift, within your means of course, and have a good time!

Honeymoon registries are the new BIG THING. Gifts of money are often given at a wedding so why not create a registry where people can set aside money that will help pay for your honeymoon or certain parts of the honeymoon?

There is a new website, the first of its kind called the Honey Fund.

www.Honeyfund.com

Your cake can be much more than a simple sugary dessert. It can be the centerpiece of the room sitting on an elevated display table for the duration of your ceremony and reception. It can be the one touch of vibrant color in the midst of a neutral ivory-themed room, or the cartoon-ish center of humor reminding you and your new spouse just what brought you together in the first place.

Wedding cakes today are hip, colorful and often times a major piece of decor in the wedding room.

This cake of delicate yellow and white icing framed in pearl-beading and soft daisies comes from the Ron Ben-Israel collection. This design can be found here.

Edith Meyer Wedding Cakes in Santa Cruz, California makes some amazing designs and they use all organic ingredients.

Many cakes, sold as groom’s cakes CAN be used as the one and only wedding cake, if you are looking for something a little more unique and creative.

This burger cake is made by The Cake Girls in Chicago, Illinois. According to their website, they currently do not ship cakes. This is THE cake for the couple who met and fell in love over a burger. Was your first date a cook-out? Why not make your wedding unique by having a cake that is just a little different from all the other weddings?

Confetti Cakes in New York City made this cake originally for a wine enthusiast.

If you see a cake design that you like, take it to your baker, ask them to design something, many of them are flexible and will jump at the chance to be a little creative.

This Alvina Valenta bridesmaid gown is gorgeous. The cowl neckline is sultry, sexy and trendy. It retails for between $250 and $350, a wee bit expensive for the average bridesmaid but the colors are absolutely breathtaking. I would love to see this gown featured in a fall wedding ceremony held in an event hall, museum or historic mansion.

For a less costly bridal attendant dress consider this fun party dress, I like it in red. Made by Eden Bridals it is part of the Eden Maids line. Expect to find this gown for under $150.

You can also consider dress lines where you can order the same gown in a variety of colors and allow your bridesmaid to choose from any or a few color options. Ideal Bite suggests doing this so that the maids can reuse the gown at an event of their own choosing.

The Benefits ( According to Ideal Bite )

* Reusing. Just wearing a dress once isn’t exactly eco-friendly; typical bridesmaid dresses are made from acetate or polyester - both petroleum byproducts that require a lot of energy to produce.
* Not breaking their banks. Bridesmaid’s dresses cost an average of $138 each, which adds up if you’re like we are and everybody you freakin’ know is getting married.
* A dress they’ll actually wanna keep.

If you want to give the maids more flexibility but don’t want a rainbow of colors at your alter, consider choosing a simple black or brown cocktail gown that they can wear to other occasions.

The magical links of the interweb have brought my attention to this. A bachelorette gift basket packaged in a trash can that is marketed as a BARF BUCKET. I’m really kinda at a loss for words on this one, so rather than pontificate about what I think is appropriate public behavior, I think I’ll take the high road and be gracious and just pass this photo along to all of ya’ll.

WHAT!?

Authorized pre-owned never-worn wedding gown. Would you bite?

Way back before my wedding and before I even found my perfect dress that I LOVED, I was in New York City for a weekend and wandered into RK Bridals and I found a great Maggie Sottero gown that fit me perfectly, and, it was on sale. So, I did what any engaged gal would do in that situation: I bought the dress.

Then, the next month I went shopping in Florida, where my wedding was going to be held and of course I found a dress, THE DRESS, MY DRESS. And I bought it.

In my defense, the dresses were both extremely low priced, both were just under $500. Which is great, unless you have two dresses and need to sell one of them.

Which brings me to this past week: I left my gorgeous unworn gown at a local bridal shop that sells on consignment. The dress has very classic lines, delicate beading, a chapel train and should fit a very real average sized body.

So now I wait hoping the gown will sell and I will make $337.50, my share of the consignment fee. Given the depreciation expected I will be quite pleased to get my check and since I bought that dress with my money, before our finances were merged, I just might go out and buy myself something to fit my recently baby-ravaged ill-fitted body.

If my dress doesn’t sell in ten months, the amount of time allowed in the consignment contract, I might consider selling it on Ebay or Craigslist, but I much prefer to lose a few dollars and have the professionals fix it up and snip the stray strings for me.
Sometimes it all does work out.

It is becoming more and more common for the groomsmen to take the groom away for a weekend trip to someone flashy, trashy and … manly. Think, Vegas Baby! or Atlantic City, New York City or Los Angeles. But, where do all those urban men go for a good time getaway?

Consider these rough-around-the-edges outdoor MAN activities for an upcoming bachelor weekend for your groom-to-be.

Whitewater Rafting: Available all around the country in varying states. Be safe, wear a life-jacket and use an adventure guide. Complete the weekend with a big cooler of beer and hot dogs and camp out under the stars.

Deep Sea Fishing: Available on the coasts, can be a little pricey. (Example: Chartering a boat out of Wachapreague, Virginia for one day of deep sea fishing is about $1500 - $2000, up drastically because of gas prices) . What guy doesn’t love fishing? Fresh air. Sun. Fishing. Good bonding time. Take along your sunscreen, a hat and some dramamine — those deep sea swells can also make your stomach swell a bit. But the views, air and back-to-nature experience are really priceless.

Skydiving: My brother is really into this, he’s all licensed and has his own suit and parachute. If you aren’t a master at this sport all you have to do is find a jump-zone and call up for available times. You go to a jump-zone for a day and anyone can do a tandem jump, where you are strapped to an experienced jumper. You go up in a plane … you jump out of it and free fall for awhile then gently float to the flat earth. Those who do it can’t get enough. It is quite a thrill and a good time. Also, relatively safe, all things considered.

Click here for more NBC photos of the exclusive Jenna Bush-Henry Hager Wedding

WE TV has a new show called Bulging Brides in which a team of experts featuring a personal trainer and a nutrition specialist follow a bride-to-be for the two months prior to her wedding and basically kick her ass into shape so she will fit into a dress that is already purchased and altered and… doesn’t quite fit. Yet.

As a self-appointed wedding specialist I felt it was necessary for me to TiVo a few of these shows and review them here for all to know.

I was also secretly watching because I need to shed a few post-baby pounds myself and was hunting for diet and exercise tips.

My wedding was almost one year ago and I spent the three months prior to it getting into shape. I got myself a gym membership and went. A lot. It wasn’t easy at first but I was determined as most brides are to tone my arms and define my waistline. In time and with a lot of hard work by which I mean, HOURS of cardio, I lost about ten pounds and fit into clothes I hadn’t worn in years, er, ever.

I think the show only provides a brief idea of what needs to happen for a bride to get in shape fast. The most important tip that I took from the show was to take measurements first and at reasonable intervals so that you can really chart your progress. Most the of brides profiled were eating poorly and not exercising at all in the beginning so, a little bit of work and diet change made a world of difference. The coaches were encouraging but a little too cute-like for my tastes. They gave good tips on exercise but never actually showed the girls sweating it for their hour-long cardio sessions. I was a little disappointed that the show wasn’t more comprehensive but it did get the point across: eat less, move more and fit into your dress better.

Dear Stacy:
I hastily asked a friend to be my best man when I should have asked my brother. What sort of damage control do I need to do to un-ask my friend and what sort of role can I ask him to play instead of best man?

Yes yes. These unfortunate moments do happen: you are out with a friend, a ballgame or a bar and in the celebration of the moment you somehow ask him to be your best man. You aren’t the first person to make this decision so hastily. And now you remember DOH! your brother is your sort-of-required best man. How to tell your friend you made a mistake? Is there any amount of damage control that can make up for this grievous momentary lapse in judgment?

You should approach the situation with sincere concern and apology. Think about how you would feel if this was you in your buddy’s position. Start by telling your friend that you really want him involved in your special day but that you remembered after the fact
that you really need to have your brother as your best man but that he can be your head groomsman and you’ll be sure to give him some special tasks if he wants. Explain that the title is just a title and you hope he can be your lead man in terms of the good bachelor party fun you’ll be having.

The bottom line is that accidents happen and weddings bring out the best and worst of people. Explaining your Oops moment as just a momentary lapse in the midst of the wedding whirlwind should be enough for any understanding friend.

Be sure to include your friend a little more than you would normally just to be sure all feelings are well healed.

Dear Stacy: Should I invite the parents of those in my bridal party to the wedding? Several of the groomsmen have been friends since they were children, over fifteen years now, while I’ve only known some of my bridesmaids for about two years and I certainly don’t know their parents. I feel that if we invite some of the parents, we should invite all. Do you agree? Please help me settle this issue without any hurt feelings.

Ah. I think this issue is more common that we might expect. When you are not the one planning the wedding all of these smaller debatable issues don’t seem so crisis of the day but I know that when you are deciding who to invite and what to spend every small decision seems monstrous. So, first things first, okay?

Sometimes it is easier to think about these issues when you are slightly removed from the situation, for example, go out for a coffee with a girlfriend who isn’t too involved in the wedding and who doesn’t mind hearing you wax poetic like about your wedding woes. If your husband-to-be is supper supportive and not likely to take sides or insert his opinion, ask him to be your sounding board.

First, remember that this is your wedding, your day, your money, you invite those who you want to invite. Period. Nothing is ever really that simple, right? Next question is: Do you know these parents? If you, your financee or your parents know the parents of the bridal party member then perhaps they should be invited. If they don’t live locally, you can possible cross them off based on this fact, if you are looking to cut down on your guest list. By no means do you need to make it equal. (DO NOT THINK:Invite the mother of a bridesmaid and therefore the mother of a groomsman too?) Overall, if the parents of a bridal party member are people you want with you on your day of celebration, then invite them.

Chances are the parents of other friends will not feel at all excluded, and they still might send a congratulatory gift!