Wedding Tactics

If you are nearing the exciting almost-two-digit countdown, there are some very important and not too hard things to be considering and scheduling.

Unfortunately, so many of the planning and wedding shopping falls on the woman. But, guys! You can help out. Offer to make phone calls and go to meetings with vendors, take notes, and help keep a budget spreadsheet and just be supportive and offer your input. Chances are your bride-to-be does want you opinion and wants to be sure you are going to be happy with the wedding day.

At about ONE HUNDRED days from your wedding you should be deciding on what jewelry you will wear, identifying and buying shoes. Plan a few hours when you can wear the shoes indoors to break them in and make sure they don’t rub your feet the wrong way. If they do, you’ll know where to put the protective band-aid on the big day.

You should also be looking for a hair and make-up professional if you are going to have it done. Many stylists will come to you on your wedding day. If you don’t know where to start looking for stylists ask friends and coworkers if they know of someone who does that work or someone who recently got married. Ask your hairdresser or nail technician, ask at dress shops and ask other wedding vendors. I have several fabulous vendors and I was very careful to introduce them to each other because wedding vendors have an incredible network. You can also look on the bulletin boards of wedding websites, such as TheKnot.com.

At this point you and your fiancée should have agreed on a honeymoon locale and be in the process of booking and making reservations. It is usually recommended to do this about five to seven months prior to the wedding, but the time of year and season will greatly impact the rates that are available and how far in advance you should make plans.

wedding hair, hair styles, 100 days away, three months before the wedding, honeymoon plans, reservations

I just checked my credit card statement online. It’s part of my OCD, I can’t seem to wait until the bill comes in the mail. I don’t like the shock of opening a bill larger than I remember spending, but, for some reason, if I find out online, somehow, maybe, there is a fluke, and the smack of a large credit card bill is somehow less if I see the totals online first.

Anyway….

I noticed last night that our honeymoon resort charged me an extra $400. In a separate charge, totally separate from the other charge that I signed for and have a receipt for. Oh, and this extra charge came through a week after we got back home.

Marc is calling right now, but I am SO not happy. Seriously, without that extra burden, I’d be telling you how fabulous the place was. If they refund the charge IMMEDIATELY, I will tell you how wonderful everything was, otherwise, behold the power of an unsolicited review!

The moral of this story is: Use credit cards because you have a better paper trail of your receipts and if a company overcharges you and won’t refund your money, you can talk to the credit card company to help you dispute charges.

credit cards, honeymoon expenses

My wedding is over.

I have been married for eleven days.

I have honeymooned and returned to the eye-ticking, irritating pace of having to go back to work tomorrow.

My wedding was very totally awesome! All my planning was well worthwhile. I had more fun that I ever expected to have. I ate my entire dinner. I danced a hell of a lot! There were kisses and hugs and dancing and the cake was so damn good - and you know so many times wedding cakes just taste like cardboard.

I am full of positive experiences and lessons learned and assvice from an amateur-turned-pro. No seriously. I’m not going to write about how I have had a wedding therefore I KNOW weddings. I am going to spend the next few weeks writing about my wedding, my planning experiences, my lessons learned, with the hope that it helps someone else. I will tell stories and post pictures and share my emotions of the day, the days before the wedding and the honeymoon - from planning it to what to expect and how much time to allow between international connections on American Airlines when traveling through Miami Airport. GOD.

Before my wedding I used certain days of the week to write certain topics and I wasn’t so thrilled with that. I’ve been feeling too confined and there were times when I wasn’t able to write what I wanted because I couldn’t make it work with a Trend or Tradition or Question-Answer.

I will leave you now with some pictures. If you are getting married before I am able to post of all of my lessons learned, most of all … have fun. I cannot emphasize this enough. And I know you are rolling your eyes at me because! Of course you will have fun at your wedding. In the hours leading up to your wedding, there is not much you can do. The flowers will or will not show up. The cake will or will not be delivered. Most likely, your guests are in town and are getting dressed for the event or taking a much needed nap. I suppose this all works well with careful pre-wedding planning.

I will also talk a lot about what people told me, especially the bold-lettered articles in all the seventeen pound magazines that consist of five hundred pages of advertisements and three articles that say: Make your wedding reflect your personal style and taste. What if you don’t know your personal style? I thought I did, but as time went on I learned a lot more about myself. I will share the details of what worked for me. Scheduling, vendor relationships, travel, timetables, family issues, ohmyholyhell, the family issues!

I am thrilled to be married. I really am. Marc and I spent at least three days calling each other “wife” and “husband”. We were giddy with what we had just done. We still are. Each day still feels sort of new. We have lived together for two years, owned a house together for six months, gotten pregnant a month before the wedding, but, this does feel new. There is a higher level of commitment and authority and respect and a whole new awesome sense of belonging to each other, our new family, and our old respective families. Speaking of the “new” … I will make sure I spend an entire entry on the issue of name changing. I am totally in the middle of changing my name right now. My new social security card is in the mail. My bank knows me as Stacy Kravitz. But, I can still deposit checks made out to Stacy Ochsman. WTF?

Oh! My ceremony. Amazing. Beautiful.

Surprises? Nothing bad I can think of.

Good? One of our best friends made a video of our entire ceremony and reception. We haven’t seen it yet, but we had no idea he was going to do this.

I have many details to share and hopefully, many readers to re-lure.

Pictures? Anyone…?

And finally … some of the fun,

A good friend recently told me a story that the Rabbi who married her told them.

The Rabbi said, You don’t really know your spouse until after you are married. You may have lived together, may have known them for years, but you don’t actually KNOW them until after you are married.

I’m not sure I agree with the statement, but others have vouched for its validity.

Several loyal readers have asked me write about the emotional side of getting married. I have only touched on this issue a few times and not for lack of content but rather for sheer and utter amazement that ohmygod! I’m getting married and I am no longer a single person making decisions only for myself and HOLYSHIT!? i have to share my bathroom too!? and my bed?! forever!? And, what? a joint account? I prefer the word joint to usually not be followed by anything except a few minutes of intense calm.

It is my experience that men and women adapt to these life-altering social changes in very different ways that are rather gender-specific. Without launching into my soap-box-like pontification of how the genders relate to each other in marriage and relationships, I will just say that for the most part, women feel they are giving up some independence, gaining some financial security, and someone else’s laundry to wash, while men tend to be far more concerned with being able to provide, having enough money, and having enough time for sports.

If you notice, in this entry, there is no mention of sex or intimacy within the marriage, as it is well known, that once you are married, those concepts are mutually exclusive and cannot in a world where George Bush was elected president for eight years, coexist.

Over the past few months, as the wedding date has gotten closer and closer, and today, it is 32 days from now, Marc and I have gone through some wonderful periods of happiness and togetherness and also some seriously angry screaming matches about how much money was spent on a turkey sandwich at lunch. Eventually, all the kinks do get worked out.

The most important thing to remember is that all of the ups and downs are very normal. A marriage is a relationship between two people who need to remain independent, but also they must sacrifice a part of their selfishness in order to be conscious of another person living so closely to them. Each couple works this out differently. Some have date nights with just the two of them, some have standing plans to see other friends several times a week and some maintain separate bank accounts, but whatever the level of shared property and time, the couple must learn to coexist peacefully and cooperatively, without losing themselves completely.

Above all else, a healthy marriage is based on cooperation, consideration, kindness, respect, and love. No one expects perfection all of the time, but keep talking, and keep listening to each other, and … in my humble opinion, try to sit down to dinner together, as a family at least a few times a week. These planned together times really can help. If there is any one thing you can do to make your partner know that you care, listen. Be a good listener. If you aren’t now, learn how to do it. If your partner feels “heard” it will make a big difference.

And, an occasional beer never hurts!

There is one huge area of wedding planning that I have neglected to mention, mainly because it is personal, complex and I never had a strong lead sentence with which to begin.

Marc and I sat down last night and went over our newly created Excel spreadsheet household budget. We bought a house last November and made one of our accounts joint. We both put money into it each month. Combining finances was huge. I felt more married and tied to him at that time than I think I will after a glass has been crushed and the crowd yells mazel tov at the end of the champagne toast.

For about a month after we combined accounts I didn’t know what money was technically “mine”. I had never thought of finances as “shared”. Like many other women my age, I’m in my late twenties and have worked for about 10 years, including my part-time jobs in college and I always had my own accounts and credit cards. I chose what I spent on what and when and if anyone questioned me I told them to get bent because it was my damn money. Lo, you cannot do that in a marriage. It is really crucial to understand each other’s spending and shopping habits before you combine finances or you will find yourself in many a difficult situation. For example, Marc likes to eat lunch out a lot and I like to buy a lot of books from Amazon.com.

Many times I have approached him and said something like Why did you go spend ten dollars on a damn sandwich? And when the credit card is on the higher side one month, he wonders why I needed to buy books. The end result is that these expenses are trivial and each couple must decide how much each person can spend on these little items, AFTER the mortgage and bills are paid. Some couples I know choose a dollar limit, like $100 - and if one partner plans to spend over that amount, they need to inform, not ask permission, but rather discuss with their partner the impending expense.

I highly suggest creating a budget in a spreadsheet. It is very easy to work with and change numbers around and make projections so that you know what money is available and when. You can also obtain a budget worksheet from any financial planner or financial broker. There are also some great books to work with if you are an independent type when it comes to finances. One book in particular that I recommend is Bonnie’s Household Budget Book.

Ultimately I am very thankful that we combined most of our finances before the wedding. (Which btw, is 47 days from today, ‘ya know, if you are keeping track) It really helped us get past the initial shock of not being as independent as we once were. Perhaps if I was younger and hadn’t really supported myself before I wouldn’t have had such a hard time adjusting to the loss of independence. It took me a few months to see that I gained financial security which helped me deal with the loss of control. Each couple has different issues, but all in all, you have to have a concept of what to expect from each other and from yourself.

I have gotten very comfortable with our new arrangement and I feel like that will allow us to really enjoy our first month of marriage because we will have already created working systems for our home. I can’t imagine how disappointed I might be if our first month of being married was wrought with the conflict through which we have already worked.

Other women have reported to me that the combining of assets is a huge issue at first. Many of us have worked for years and making a change from individual to team isn’t an easy step. I encourage men to be understand and comforting during this adjustment period, and also to be very forthcoming on all monetary issues. When both partners know what their financial capabilities are, they are more likely to take equal responsibility, thus, preventing an unhealthy situation.

I’m getting married in 52 days.

And, yes, I’m totally excited and YES! totally stressed.

What about? You ask.

Everything. I’m worried about leaving my pets with a pet-sitter for two and a half weeks. I can’t decide between having my mail held and having my pet-sitter/house-sitter pick up my mail. I am concerned that I will forget to bring my garter (which is SO cool by the way, of course, pictures AFTER the wedding) with me to Florida. Just this past weekend someone started talking about the rain/inclimate weather alternatives … and after I stopped hyperventilating and sweating I calmly retorted, “Fine. I agree. Have a plan. Don’t tell me what it is or anything about it. If you have to move things because of rain, that’s fine. I don’t want to know until the day of the wedding, because then I won’t care, I’ll just want to be married.”

The being calm? Felt great.
The not caring? Even more great.

It’s a real toss up between freaking-out and not caring but I figure it will all work out in the end.

After the flowers have been chosen and the food options tasted, the dress altered and the tuxedo rentals secured, the plane tickets purchased and the hotel blocks reserved, the ketubah waiting for me in Sarasota and the kippots ordered there is a definite release of stress as you cross these items off of your MUST-DO list. However, you might remember that you still haven’t had a second meeting with the Rabbi, and you still need to arrange for your parents flights to the wedding destination and you want to lose five more pounds and avoid a stress-related break-out, you start to feel that rapid-heartbeat Oh-Shit feeling returning to your every waking step.

Getting married is a huge, life-changing event. Even if you have lived with your partner, there are new levels of shared property and space. At this point, I am really excited. I do waiver between being stressed and being blasé about the details. I think that is normal.

Slowly you become closer to your partner. Slowly the families accept your wedding choices. As the entire event starts to come together, you might even find yourself sitting back and smiling. At least until a distant relative who calls you and wants to know if they can bring their children and babies to the wedding and if the food is kosher and the fish wild-caught.

See? I can still laugh and drive at the same time. In fact, I was on the way to my hair and make-up trial when this was taken. And, I had just saved $500 on my florals. Total score!

wedding stress, bride, ketubah, kippot, pet-sitter, wedding, wedding tactics

Dear Stacy, My fiancée and I have decided on a destination wedding in Florida, where his family lives. We like the area because it just so relaxing and beautiful. We live in Washington, DC. How and where do I start my planning? I have gone to some recent local Bridal Expos with other girlfriends, but most of those vendors only offer local services. Help!

Ah, the destination wedding.

I am having one myself so have no fear my darling, it totally can be done.

Now, sit back and consider what you want. Do you want a church or synagogue wedding with a country club reception? Do you want it all in a hotel ball room, on the beach? Have an idea of what you want and a definite budget range before you begin. It is so easy to be talked into more and more grandiose ideas by vendors and family members you really need to be able to say, “No, I’m sorry, that isn’t in our budget, what can we do with those same colors in a smaller arrangement?”

First, start with the trusty ole Internet. Do a Google search for your city or state. For example:
1. Sarasota Weddings
2. Destination Wedding Planning Guide
3. Destination Wedding Jamaica

You get the idea?

You will find some vendors that way, and often times, a popular wedding locale will have its own wedding website. Be careful, a listing on a website does not a good vendor make. If you have family in the area, get them talking! Have them talk to coworkers, neighbors and friends about vendors they have used for weddings and other affairs. Get recommendations. Check references.

It is best to plan at least two trips to the destination prior to the wedding. It is suggested that you book vendors about six to nine months out. However, if you having a wedding in four months, you can still get vendors! Maybe not your top choice, but you can still totally find people; it will just take more leg work.

Make phone calls! Call vendors and talk to them, find out if they have your date available first. You will soon learn that some vendors take the extra minute and go the extra mile because some will bash other vendor styles while some will tell you everything you want to know before you ask.

I spoke with one photographer who told me that digital photography is horrible and he only shoots film and he takes about 300 shots at a typical wedding. Well? My photographers (who are awesome!!!) AJ Mills Photography shoot digital and are able to give me 1200 shots from the day. Hum … I wonder what I’m going with. Be cautious and make time to just absorb all the information they give you.

Plan you trip. Arrange a long weekend to your destination area and make appointments back to back, but leave about 3 hours in between each appointment. You’ll soon see that you can really only do about 4 in one day, so you will need a few days. Decide on your vendors and give them deposits to hold the date. A lot of the following decisions can be made from home and discussed over the phone and email. You have nine months to choose which photography package you want. Don’t stress. About two months prior to the wedding you want to have it all settled. (Which, by the way, is what I am doing this weekend, in an hour I’m meeting my florist to pick ALL the florals)

To maximize your time in vendor meetings, print pictures, have ideas and learn about the options before you get to the meeting, this will allow for time to talk and negotiate price not just get the basic information.

Vendors in destination areas are used to out of town brides. Get familiar with them, be friendly and choose vendors you KNOW that YOU can work with. Be picky. This is YOUR wedding. You have a right to have what you want and be within YOUR budget.

Good Luck!

On a recent afternoon I was in search of some good blogable material and came across some wedding statistics that Hallmark published.

DID YOU KNOW….?

+ Weddings are a $23.5 billion industry. Can I get in on this?

+ In the last twenty years, an average of 2.3 million weddings take place in the United States alone each year. Not surprising, but how many end in divorce and how many within the first two years?

+ The average cost of a wedding is between $20,000 and $25,000. This is way lower than I would have guessed, so I suppose there is hope for those of us on budgets.

+ The average wedding has 189 guests.
Um, HOLY COW.

+ August is the most popular month for weddings, but June is a very close second.

+ The average engagement is 16 months, up from 11 months in 1990, and the average ring costs $2000.
Thank you Marc, I love you VERY much.

+ The top three worries of today’s brides are exceeding budget, forgetting an important detail and the reception being boring.
Actually, I would say these are pretty close to my top concerns.

+ 85% of all weddings are held in a church or synagogue.

+ Two thirds of all grooms choose a plain wedding band while the other third opts for a band with diamonds.
I never consider that before, perhaps because I’m too consumed with what band I want.

weddings, wedding budget