Wedding Tactics

Dear Stacy: I am marrying a man with two children, ages 7 and 10. This is my first marriage, his second. It is important to us that they be a part of our wedding day and to keep them entertained, I thought they could each invite a friend to the reception. However, we want an adult party. My fiance thinks that people will be offended that they couldn’t bring their own children, but that we still had 4 kids running around the party. How can we handle this situation?

This is a touchy subject no matter what you choose because you will either end up with people disgruntled at your decision or a wedding that isn’t exactly what you want it to be. This is one of a handful of wedding issues where the debate is unfortunately unending.

First off, and it sounds like you have already done this, be sure that you and your partner agree on what you want for the wedding, that way, even if relatives and friends are upset, you have presented a united front and your families can’t blame each other.

Your finance does make a good point. It isn’t really, oh… I hate when I say these things, but it isn’t really “right” to have your kids there and not invite other kids. BUT! It’s your wedding, you are allowed to do whatever you want and people just have to accept that. (SIDE NOTE: I have friends getting married next year, the child issue is still being debated, they are much closer to my husband than to me. If they don’t allow kids, I will just stay home with Noah. You couldn’t pay me to camp out all weekend in a hotel in Random-Ass, New Jersey with a 16 month old and not even get the open bar benefit.) So, that said, some people may just decide not to attend. Can you accept that?

I would actually sort of recommend not letting the kids have a friend there. You said he has two kids, they can entertain each other, and more so, there will be a lot of family members there excited to see them and that might provide entertainment enough.

If you are at all on the fence, consider inviting kids and hiring a sitter to watch kids in an upstairs hotel room or at a local off-site home. Or, invite kids and then ask that they leave by 10pm so that there are a few adult-only hours for some good partying.

I respect your wishes and applaud you for tackling this issue head-on. The notion that you suggest isn’t really correct or acceptable by “etiquette” standards. If you can live with going wildly against Miss Manners, then by all means, go right ahead. I urge you to consider a few alternatives and specifically the idea that your kids may not need their own friends for entertainment.

Sometime within the first forty-five minutes of wearing a diamond ring, the average bride realizes she needs to register for gifts. At this point, there is no wedding date, no venue, no flowers, no dress, just a ring, a question and the very decided “yes”.

Average bride will begin to mention to average groom-to-be that they need to make plans to register. Soon. Like, say, tomorrow morning.

At this point, the average groom looks at his dearly intended and realizes for the first of many times that is no longer in charge. He sighs but complies, because that is what good men do, listen and do what they are told. No?

Two months later, after a torrential period of nagging, begging and the occasional tear, the begrudging groom will oblige his dearly intended and they get in the car and joyfully-her/half-heartedly-him drive to the nearest Bed Bath and Beyond.

At the Registry counter of any department store in any-ville, America, right now, there is a man and woman about to experience exactly what I am describing.

Men - take notes!
Ladies - it really is this awesome.

After the messy red tape of a few pieces of paperwork, a store clerk will pull out a sku-gun. This is a tool vaguely resembling an actual weapon. Its purpose is to scan a sku, or UPC code and record that item to be later placed on your registry.

Groom’s eyes widen and for the first time since the moment he bought the ring, he feels control, power, choices! options! For he is wielding a mighty tool. Mightier than the electric drill.

The bride will now wander to the section of the store that is home to the much sought-after Kitchen-Aid mixer. She will read the label descriptions about the five-quart mixer and compare that to the six-quart mixer. She will debate and ask the groom what he thinks. As she notices drool on his chin, she quickly changes her question to color.

What color should we get? It only comes in black, white, orange, yellow, pea green, cobalt blue, empire red, copper, nickel, chrome, brushed steel, pearl, cinnamon and dark pewter.

Conversation ensues:

GROOM - {begins to choke on drool}

BRIDE - I think the yellow is so retro and funky, but the chrome will go with any kitchen we ever have!

GROOM - Ok.

The soon-to-be wed couple decide on the white Kitchen Aid because the groom has no taste or sense of adventure and doesn’t actually know what the Kitchen Aid IS. Also, the bride has read the How To Register Instructions and knows she can access her registry online and will soon change the color choice. She then tells her dear groom to scan the item.

“How?” he says…

Slightly annoyed at his lack of participation, bride retorts, “hold the gun and press the button until it beeps and then press enter.”

“That’s it?”

“YEAH!”

The happy bride walks googley-eyed to the bedding section to choose her sheets. For the first time in her life she can select sheets with a thread count higher than 250.

Meanwhile, the dear groom has realized the power he holds at his fingertips. He walks from one end of the aisle to the next examining every end-cap along the way stopping to add a quesadilla maker, fake boobs, condoms (Yes! Bed Bath and Beyond have these at the stores that have a health and beauty section) and a lint roller to his registry.

Half an hour later the bride emerges from the depths of the sheet collection to realize she has been talking to herself for a very long time and nothing she pointed at was zapped and recorded in her registry and then, she glances up to notice her dear husband-to-be excitedly adding two massagey-chairs and a football-themed hammock swing to the registry.

She tells her dear intended groom that they have done enough work for today and they can come back. He stutters but she grabs the gun and returns it to the clerk. The groom will excitedly talk about how fun it is to be involved and he is so glad he got to participate. The bride nods knowingly with a proud smirk.

Later that day when she checks her registry from the safety and comfort of her home computer, she learns just what the groom added to the registry, deletes the fake boobs and declares to go back to the store ALONE.

She also changes the Kitchen-Aid color to cobalt blue.

The invitation arrived in the mail a month ago and you just sent back the reply card with a check next to will attend and chicken. You mark your calendar blackberry and head to your closet or the nearest department store to decide what to wear.

You might think to yourself that it IS easier to be in the wedding party because then you don’t have to choose your own clothes. Huh, tough call. There are a few simple rules to follow to ensure that you do not stick out like a sore thumb for being over or under dressed, or the lady with the stupid hat. The idea is to be dressed appropriately for the event, time of day, location and most of all, wear something that compliments your body, or really, doesn’t make you look like a whore. It is, after all, somebody’s wedding.

WOMEN:

A short dress or not-too-business like suit is acceptable for a casual or semi-formal daytime wedding. For an evening wedding, informal or semi-formal, think: country club, garden wedding, pool or lakeside, a cocktail dress is called for. If the wedding takes place midday and is formal, think: a VIP wedding, suits and dresses are appropriate and hats and gloves are optional, a la Jackie Kennedy. Evening and black-tie events dictate a long dress or a fancy short cocktail dress stepped up with glitzy accessories or a shoulder wrap. They may be few and far between, but a white tie ultra formal event calls for a long gown and extra glam like furs, and rented diamond jewelery.

MEN:

During the day a man should wear a dress shirt, pants and a sports coat. A suit is best for an evening wedding or a formal daytime wedding. You are safer if the suit is dark in color. A light colored suit is acceptable for a lakeside or beach wedding. I hope I don’t need to say, SUIT AND TIE. Please, please tell me that it implied that when I say wear a suit you know I mean, suit and tie. If you are attending a nighttime wedding or the invitation specifies black-tie, men should wear a tuxedo.

If you want to read more about how what is expected of a wedding guest and how to be a gracious guest, click here.

According to the National Association of Wedding Ministers:
Wedding Stats:

* The average American engagement is 16 months.
* June is the most popular month for weddings, then August, followed by September October and May
* Every year an average of 2.4 million weddings are performed in the U.S.
* The Wedding Industry is a 50 billion dollar a year industry
* Average age for first-time brides is 25 years, for grooms it’s 27.5
* 175 guests are invited to an average wedding
* One third of engaged couples retain a Wedding Consultant
* An average honeymoon vacation is one week
* The average household income of a newly married couple is $60,000/year
* Couples are waiting longer to get married
* Tuxedoes are typically purchased 5-6 months after the wedding gown
* Median age for remarriage is 34 for women and 37 for men
* Bridesmaids’ gowns are general purchased 3-4 months in advance of the event
* Average size of wedding party: 12
* Most brides (30%) plan their weddings for 7 to 12 months
* Most (about 75%) first-time brides will receive a diamond engagement ring (67% of repeat brides).
* About 15% of weddings include ethnic customs
* 35% of weddings occur in the summer; 29% in the spring; 23% in the fall; 13% in the winter.
* 11% of winter weddings are Christmas weddings
* $22,000 is the average amount spent on a traditional American wedding
* A total of $72 billion is spent on weddings annually in the U.S.
* $19 billion is spent buying presents at wedding gift registries
* The average amount spent on a bridal gown is $800
* David’s Bridal accounts for 20% of all bridal-gown sales, and that percentage is increasing
* The average ring costs $2,000

This ring can be found at Wedding Rings (dot com).

Dear Stacy: Should I invite the parents of those in my bridal party to the wedding? Several of the groomsmen have been friends since they were children, over fifteen years now, while I’ve only known some of my bridesmaids for about two years and I certainly don’t know their parents. I feel that if we invite some of the parents, we should invite all. Do you agree? Please help me settle this issue without any hurt feelings.

Ah. I think this issue is more common that we might expect. When you are not the one planning the wedding all of these smaller debatable issues don’t seem so crisis of the day but I know that when you are deciding who to invite and what to spend every small decision seems monstrous. So, first things first, okay?

Sometimes it is easier to think about these issues when you are slightly removed from the situation, for example, go out for a coffee with a girlfriend who isn’t too involved in the wedding and who doesn’t mind hearing you wax poetic like about your wedding woes. If your husband-to-be is supper supportive and not likely to take sides or insert his opinion, ask him to be your sounding board.

First, remember that this is your wedding, your day, your money, you invite those who you want to invite. Period. Nothing is ever really that simple, right? Next question is: Do you know these parents? If you, your financee or your parents know the parents of the bridal party member then perhaps they should be invited. If they don’t live locally, you can possible cross them off based on this fact, if you are looking to cut down on your guest list. By no means do you need to make it equal. (DO NOT THINK:Invite the mother of a bridesmaid and therefore the mother of a groomsman too?) Overall, if the parents of a bridal party member are people you want with you on your day of celebration, then invite them.

Chances are the parents of other friends will not feel at all excluded, and they still might send a congratulatory gift!

A … A-line skirt. Invented in the 1960s, it refers to a skirt that is slightly flared at the bottom, creating a very nice line for many body types.

B … Best Man: the term given to the head male assisting the groom in a wedding. In current times, a best man is generally responsible for planning a bachelor party, helping on the wedding day, holding the rings during the ceremony and providing friendly moral support to the groom and the couple.

C … Cut, Color, Carat, and Clarity The cour C’s of a diamond. Cut refers to the shape of the diamond, is it round, oval, pear shaped or emerald cut (rectangle). Color refers to the clearness of the diamond. Not all diamonds are alike. In fact, they are ranked on a scale of color from D to Z. But, for a ring, color usually only goes up to about a J. Anything higher and the stone will have a deeper yellowish to brown color. It is still a diamond, just not a clear diamond.

D … Diamond Engagement Ring

E … Engagement! The average first marriage engagement lasts 9-12 months and the average second marriage engagement lasts anywhere from three to six months.

F … Flowers! Most wedding ceremonies have many flowers as decorations. People use fresh, silk and dried flowers of all different colors and textures to create relaxing, romantic atmospheres for their wedding ceremonies. When it comes to choosing wedding flowers, the sky is truly the limit. You can spend as little as a few hundred to as much as thousands.

G … Guests. GUESTS. Guests can make a wedding the party that you want it to be. They give gifts and come to celebrate with you. They cost you the bulk of your wedding budget in food and alcohol and too often people decorate just to amuse the guests. Without guests, you really don’t have a wedding. It’s a catch-22. This article here talks about how to be a good guest, in a not-too-patronizing kind of way. This one here talks about what NOT to do, as a guest.

H … Honeymoon!!

I … Investment. Consider investing some of your wedding gifts so you can create a nest egg or just a small savings for household projects or future vacations.

J … Jewelery. In many cultures married people wear a wedding band as a sign that they are married. For many, this is as simple as a solid metal band made of gold, platinum, silver or titanium. Others prefer a fancier approach and their rings include diamonds and other stones. To see some modern day matching band sets, click here. And, to read about why should NOT take your ring off, ever really, but in public, click here. And read all the way to the bottom for ring cleaning instructions.

K … Kippot, or, yarmulke. In a Jewish wedding you will see the groom and all male guests wearing a head covering called a kippot.

L … Love. Don’t marry someone unless you really do love them. Marriage is not easy at times. Loving the person unconditionally will truly help in the tough times and make the good times even better.

M … Marriage. Wikipedia says marriage is an interpersonal relationship with government, social and religious recognition. Huh.

N … Nuptial. Nuptial is the adjective of Wedding. According to Wikipedia, it is used more in zoology to refer to mating season coupling, however, nuptials are also a marriage ceremony.

O … Outdoor weddings. Outside weddings are increasingly common and are a lot of fun. Usually reserved for the warm-weather months and more common in areas where the scenery is worth celebrating and can be incorporated as decoration in and of itself. Beach weddings, water-front weddings, boat-ride weddings, English-tea garden weddings are all very common wedding experiences.

P … Petals. Rose petals. Consider sprucing up your ceremony site by having rose petals line your aisle. It is a relatively inexpensive way to add some romantic detail to your ceremony site.

Q … Queen! At least you are for one day, so be sure to act like it! Remember that this is your wedding day. And you only get one. You have spent a lot of time planning and dreaming about this day, not to mention you have spent a lot of money on this day too. It is OKAY to be a little demanding and expect that people will put aside petty issues and just celebrate with you. Keep this in mind when dealing with annoying relatives and unruly vendors. You are paying the vendors to do a job for you and you have a right to expect that things be done according to plan and on time. From family members, you have a right to expect that they will put aside petty differences for a few hours for your sake. If they don’t, ask them to deal with these issues tomorrow because you would like the party to be a party.

R … Royal Doulton. Creators of china patterns and casual tableware.

S … Square Diamond.
Or, Princess Cut, as it is commonly referred to as is a very common style of engagement ring.

T … Tuxedo. Most men get married in a tuxedo. The most formal of men’s suits, tuxedos are easy and affordable to rent from a number of local and nationwide stores. Plan ahead and choose a tuxedo style and pattern about four months prior to your wedding so that all the groomsmen and fathers have time to get fitted and secure their rentals.

U … Unwind. Be sure to take some time prior to your wedding to spend some relaxing time with your family. It’s a special time and it will help you relax and focus on your big day ahead.

V … Vera Wang. Not only making dresses these days, Vera Wang has a line of household goods including china, silver and glassware.

W … Winnie Couture

X … X-tras! Be sure to keep an eye out for extras in your wedding planning. Ask all your vendors if they have seasonal specials or even reduced prices for holding your event at less popular times, like Sunday afternoons, Friday evenings and after a holiday weekend.

Y … Yolanda Couture.

Z … Zzzzz…… Sleep! Be sure to get some sleep the night before your wedding. It will help you keep going strong all day and make you feel better too. If you haven’t gotten much rest during your months spent wedding planning, be sure to plan a relaxing honeymoon where you can get plenty of rest. On a beach, in a hammock, on a boat, in the sun, in bed on a rainy afternoon …. many couples spend the first day or so of their honeymoon catching up on much needed rest.

A good friend of mine is getting married next month.

She is getting some very interesting responses from guests. Many of the guests, in fact, two thirds of them are personal friends of each set of parents. If you have ever had a wedding you know that these guests give good gifts and lot of money but, also just exist to cost you money and cause you to need more tables and stress over the seating arrangements.

My friend? She is patient. She is … quite kind.

A guest recently replied the following:

“Will attend” was crossed out.

“Might attend” was penciled in.

A note was attached to call them a week, a WEEK! before the wedding to find out if they would be attending. Upon calling to clarify the note, it was discovered that they said, not to worry about food or final counts but that they would bring their own food!

Ya’ll … a wedding requires a lot of planning. The bride is stressed enough. Don’t send messages like that! Ever! Either you will attend or not attend, and you must decide with great certainty, barring emergency situations, by the date the reply is requested.

Clearly this guest did not consider a table and seating arrangement. Nor did they realize that unless you have a medical condition, bringing your own food is rude. And! In most venues, it is illegal, according to local health codes to bring your own food into an establishment that serves their own.

If you don’t know how to be a good wedding guests, or if you just want to check on your recent etiquette, read this entry here.

If you want a really good laugh, read this entry where I wrote to a relative who had made very person inquiries as to her “needs” at my wedding.

In looking back at my archieves, I’ve written a lot about being a good guest, being good to your guests and it never ceases to amaze me when people are inconsiderate. The most important thing to remember is that if you are invited as a guest, be gracious and thankful. If, for any reason, you don’t feel gracious toward those who invited you, be the better person, the more respectable person, and send regrets. Remember, an invitation is a courtesy, just because you aren’t invited doesn’t mean you weren’t considered, be aware of space and money constraints that people undoubtedly face when having a wedding.

And if you go to the wedding, be a good guest and have a great time!

I just read a great article online about how to be a good wedding guest.
Unfortunately there are many people out there who have missed this article and will never read it.

Just in case, I will summarize in my own words what makes a good wedding guest.

This entry will also allow me to whine about one of my wedding guests in particular who did not send back the reply card, but when we called them, told us they were coming, but then called back to tell us they were having “the chicken”. They also didn’t give us a gift. Not that gifts are the end all - be all. But! They demonstrated very little tact and gentility toward our wedding. The most shocking thing and what made this so unexpected is that they should have understood the issues of replying on time, because they are getting married THIS month. Therefore, I chalk it up to careless rude behavior.

I know, I am a tab bit hard to please and my standards are sky high, but, whatever, I’m married now, so it doesn’t matter, right?

Anyway, to be a good guest, you just need to express some thanks for being invited and some mindfulness on replying on time. A good guest is not defined by one who gives a lot of money or lavish gifts. Quite the opposite! Just be grateful the couple chose to involve you in their most important day.

So, Congratulations! You’ve been invited to a wedding. Read the invitation and reply card carefully. Make a note of who is invited; you and a guest, you and a spouse, you and your family with kids. Chances are the engaged couple has thought very long and hard about your and guest or and family situation. Don’t ask to bring people who are not invited. I don’t particularly like any of the exceptions to this rule, however, if the engaged couple hasn’t seen you in a few months and there is someone new in your life who is quite important (defining this role is a slippery slope, however), call the couple and tell them you are dating someone very special and if they have room you would love to bring them, but you fully understand if they are faced with limited seating. If you are told you may bring a guest, by all means, be sure to bring someone, as they will have paid for another plate.

One more rule of being a good guest: ARRIVE ON TIME. In fact, arrive early. Weddings start at the time listed on the invitation. Consider the time it takes to part and walk to the venue and be seated. Plan to arrive 15-30 minutes prior to the ceremony.

Another guest of mine, who lived in the Country Club development where I was getting married arrived five minutes late and walked down the aisle after my family and just before me! I was NOT pleased.

Wedding are expensive. The couple chose to include you in something very special to them. Give a gift, within your means of course and have a good time!

being a good wedding guest, guest etiquette, wedding etiquette, arrive on time to the ceremony