Wedding Tactics

While you really don’t need too much stuff on your honeymoon, it can be good to have a guideline as to what you should consider packing.

If you are going to a beachy resort here are things that will come in handy:

- Swimsuits (two or three for girls, at least two for the guys)
- Beach Cover-ups (be sure to check the guidebooks, some island nations are more conservative and resorts prefer that you wear full cover-ups when walking from your room to the pool or beach)
- Sunglasses
- Hat (Ladies… consider a wide-brimmed hat, it will protect your face, neck and shoulders from the strong tropical sun-rays) Also, for guys and gals, that tropical sunshine is really strong and your hair part WILL burn. Wear a damn hat, folks.
- A small shoulder bag or tote to use as beach and pool bag
- Flip-flops
- Several (2-3) tank tops and nice t-shirts
- Several (2-3) pairs of shorts and pants, think khaki dress pants or linen pants or shorts
- 2 or 3 skirts and dresses (in those formal, conservative places you’ll love having dresses)
- Cocktail dress
- Cardigan or wrap for those cool nights
- Sandals for day and evening (Men will need a pair of closed-toe shoes for the restaurants at night)
- Purse and, or an evening bag
- Sleepwear
- Sexy lingerie
- Gym clothes, socks and tennis shoes
- Sunscreen
- A book, magazine, iPod or portable DVD player — think beach and poolside entertainment

For more tips on honeymoon travel, click here.

I have written this article several times before but I love this concept, so I revised a few of the issues and here it is again folks. Be a good guest. It matters. And if you have a bad guest, email me (thestacy@gmail.com) and tell me all about it and print out this here GEM of an article, if I do say so myself and mail it to them.

Unfortunately there are many people out there who have missed this article and will never read it so I’ve decided to summarize a few general concepts and hope that this web-page finds ALL OF YOUR guests, you know, just in case.

First: Send back the damn reply card. On time. Don’t ADD to the choices for food options. Be gracious and choose one. If you have an allergy or a special medical need, bring your own food or if you know the family well enough, contact someone other than the bride or groom, possibly a mother, sister or close friend of the couple and ask them if an alternative is available.

I know, I am a tab bit hard to please and my standards are sky high, but, whatever, I’m married now, so it doesn’t matter, right?

Anyway, to be a good guest, you just need to express some thanks for being invited and some mindfulness on replying on time. A good guest is not defined by one who gives a lot of money or lavish gifts. Quite the opposite! Just be grateful the couple chose to involve you in their most important day.

Congratulations! You’ve been invited to a wedding. Read the invitation and reply card carefully. Make a note of who is invited; you and a guest, you and a spouse, you and your family with kids. Chances are the engaged couple has thought very long and hard about your and guest or and family situation. Don’t ask to bring people who are not invited. I don’t particularly like any of the exceptions to this rule, however, if the engaged couple hasn’t seen you in a few months and there is someone new in your life who is quite important (defining this role is a slippery slope, however), call the couple and tell them you are dating someone very special and if they have room you would love to bring them, but you fully understand if they are faced with limited seating. If you are told you may bring a guest, by all means, be sure to bring someone, as they will have paid for another plate.

One more rule of being a good guest: ARRIVE ON TIME. In fact, arrive early. Weddings start at the time listed on the invitation. Consider the time it takes to part and walk to the venue and be seated. Plan to arrive 15-30 minutes prior to the ceremony.

Weddings are expensive. The couple chose to include you in something very special to them. Give a gift, within your means of course, and have a good time!

I recently met a new mother through a good friend of mine and we exchanged contact information. Upon closer inspection I saw that she had given me her maiden name, not her married name. I am told she plans to change her name any day now. Thing is? She’s been married for over two years now.

When I got married I changed my last name the first full day I was home from the honeymoon.

So did two friends of mine. We all married under the age of thirty, some of us closer to it than others. And neither of us had made a seriously substantial name for ourselves in our respective careers.

Of course, there are some other things that change after you get married. To read more about what you might want to consider, dread or even look forward to, click here.

So what’s the deal these days on changing your name? Keeping your last name? Or, the ultimate, taking on a new name without letting go of the old one.

Regardless of the reasons for changing your name, it is best to start with the Social Security Administration.

For some, its a matter of letting go of the past and all that is attached to a name. It can also be a chance to become someone else, a new you perhaps, or it can just signify that your new roles, wife, spouse, perhaps even mother?

Some people want a name that is easier to spell, easier to pronounce, or one less or even more conspicuous, hinting towards an ethnic background or religious affiliation. And for some it is just a question of tradition, establishing yourself in your newly created family.

I’m curious, did you change your name after you got married? If so, how soon did you make the change?

I’ve been writing for Wedding Tactics for a full year now. When I started maintaining this site I didn’t know what it would become and how long I’d be writing. In fact, at the time, 451 Press was still just getting off the ground. In fact, its been pretty amazing watching the network grow along with my site.

My first posting discussed the differences between a marriage and a wedding. The first few months following this entry I used the planning of my own wedding as a guide for what to write about.

A few times I mentioned the issues in gaining a new set of parents and specifically, the mother-in-law.

I wrote a lot about dresses and veils and accessories.
And for a few months I had featured columns on certain days of the week, Trends on Tuesday and Traditions Thursday. I used these headlines as a means to explain traditions like the tossing of the garter.

April was a very popular month on this site. My stats went thru the roof, but that was a very popular wedding time of year. I get asked frequently about the Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, Something Blue thing. The meaning and its history are detailed here.

One of my all-time favorite posting was about what guests should wear to a wedding. I noticed during the Spring months that several clothing stores were featuring lines of dresses for wedding guests. This is a good guide to style options depending on the wedding venue.

I got married in May. Then, I started a new job in June and my postings got a bit less frequent for awhile. Meanwhile, I did profile some great summer wedding themes.

As the year went on I tried to focus on all the different issues surrounding weddings, including mens clothing, or, tuxedos and a few funny stories too, like this one about a guy who lost his wedding ring.

And, finally, the most recent repeating column, Wedding Tactics: On Location, features vendors and venues in random cities. By featuring actual wedding business providers across the nation, I hope that readers from all states will be attracted to read and follow along and also to ask questions and participate in the Wedding Tactics dialogue. The On-Location feature can be seen here, here and here. And also here.

Thanks to all the readers who made this a successful year for me and 451 Press. I look forward to another even better year here.

Happy New Year!

While you really don’t need too much stuff on your honeymoon, it can be good to have a guideline as to what you should consider packing.

If you are going to a beachy resort here are things that will come in handy:

- Swimsuits (two or three for girls, at least two for the guys)
- Beach Cover-ups (be sure to check the guidebooks, some island nations are more conservative and resorts prefer that you wear full cover-ups when walking from your room to the pool or beach)
- Sunglasses
- Hat (Ladies… consider a wide-brimmed hat, it will protect your face, neck and shoulders from the strong tropical sun-rays) Also, for guys and gals, that tropical sunshine is really strong and your hair part WILL burn. Wear a damn hat, folks.
- A small shoulder bag or tote to use as beach and pool bag
- Flip-flops
- Several (2-3) tank tops and nice t-shirts
- Several (2-3) pairs of shorts and pants, think khaki dress pants or linen pants or shorts
- 2 or 3 skirts and dresses (in those formal, conservative places you’ll love having dresses)
- Cocktail dress
- Cardigan or wrap for those cool nights
- Sandals for day and evening (Men will need a pair of closed-toe shoes for the restaurants at night)
- Purse and, or an evening bag
- Sleepwear
- Sexy lingerie
- Gym clothes, socks and tennis shoes
- Sunscreen
- A book, magazine, iPod or portable DVD player — think beach and poolside entertainment

For more tips on honeymoon travel, click here.

Thank you notes are a real burden to write, especially after a wedding when you have possibly, like, fifty to one hundred or more to write. Don’t feel overwhelmed - yet. Make a plan and write a few each night over the course of several weeks, or, alternatively, sit down on a weekend afternoon and just plow through.

It is very easy to feel burdened by the scope of this project, especially if you can’t think of what to write. All the books and magazines will tell you to make the note personal, reference the gift, what you are doing with it, how it looks in your house, or what you plan to buy with that gift card, but, after awhile, that can get monotonous.

Here are some sample texts:

Thank You - Close friend/relative:

Dear Aunt Ann and Uncle Joe,
Thank you so much for the gorgeous lace tablecloth! It is beautiful and
we were both incredibly touched that you gave us this family heirloom.
It was wonderful to see you at the wedding – thank you for traveling so far. I can’t wait to catch up on your news and tell you all about the honeymoon and newly married life.
Love,
Marc & Stacy

Thank You - Someone you don’t know very well

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Silverman,
Thank you for the beautiful glassware you sent us after the wedding. I know we will enjoy it for many years to come. It was wonderful to finally get to meet you at the wedding. We really appreciate that you were able to witness such a happy day for us and our families.
Sincerely,
Marc & Stacy

Thank You - $$ GIFTS $$

Dear Ann and Robert,
Marc and I want to thank you for the generous you sent for a wedding gift. We are saving to saving to buy a fence for our backyard, and your gift will help us reach our goal. We will send some pictures when the building is done!
Warmly,
Marc & Stacy

Thank You - Someone who sent a gift but didn’t attend the wedding

Dear John,
Thank you so much for the cookbooks you sent us as a wedding gift. It was very thoughtful of you. I’m so sorry that you couldn’t attend the wedding – it was a gorgeous ceremony and went better than we could have imagined. We hope to see you for dinner next time you are in town. We’ll be sure to bring pictures!
Best,
Marc & Stacy

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I have been married for just over one month. Actually, tomorrow will be one month and one week. To be honest, my wedding feels like a very faint memory.

I am still extremely excited that my wedding turned out to be so pretty, so simple and so much fun. I don’t really remember what my centerpieces looked like or what anyone wore. I know I had a DJ who was amazing and a staff of vendors who made my needs their ultimate goal.

Aside from the fact that I had a good location, a good couple of vendors and some good weather, all of which are subject to chance, I was not stressed or worried on wedding day at all. I probably wrote about it in advance too; my goal was to stress before the wedding, therefore there wouldn’t be anything left to worry about on the day of the event.
This is just another example of where my obsessive personality came through for me.

I suppose that I would have a larger problem with life if I walked around now saying, “My wedding was great, the centerpieces were so gorgeous!” when in fact, all I keep thinking is that “My wedding was great! I had more fun than I ever could have imagined! I danced, I ate my entire dinner, I talked to all of my relatives and smiled all night long, I could not have imagined a better night.”

If you want to recall your wedding more like I did, plan well and in advance, be flexible for weather mishaps or things you cannot control, like, older guests leaving too early. Choose one or two things that are main goals for the day, such as, getting married and enjoying myself, or getting married and dancing with my Dad. Whatever matters most to you - make that the only thing that matters for the day and you won’t be disappointed.

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Are you searching for the perfect wedding gift for a friend? Your daughter and son-in-law?

If there isn’t anything on the couple’s registry that you think sends the message you want to send, consider the following options:

Certificates to a spa or a favorite restaurant

A night in a nice lodge

These are considered Lifestyle gifts. Sort of a dumb, retail-induced name if you ask me, but, they are gifts that offer the couple time away from their regular world, time to reconnect.

I would have loved it if I had gotten a certificate for a weekend stay in a cottage or some local, quiet mountain resorty place. It would have been a nice 6-month anniversary follow-up gift. After all the commotion of the wedding and the rushed traveling of a honeymoon, sometimes something special that you can use in a few months is a great gift. Something other than that KitchenAid Mixer, by the way.

Which by the way, was the one thing I didn’t get and really wanted!

My bouquet was never tossed and my dress is tinged black at the bottom and balled up in a dress bag in my closet. But my wedding is a memory growing fainter each day.

A reader wrote me recently wondering about life after her wedding. Will he change? Will she change? What will be different? Will it actually feel any better or worse?

The answers to these questions are about as individual as each person who has ever pondered them.

I didn’t have any doubts or what-if thoughts until about three days before my wedding when I paused, in the midst of running fifteen gagillion errands and thought, oh, I suppose I should stop flirting with salesmen in hope of getting discounts, and oh, huh, I guess I never will date anyone else. But, just as quickly as each thought came rushing into my head, they left, and I never looked back or thought twice.

If you are having these thoughts and they aren’t going away and your wedding isn’t just a day away, you might consider talking to a friend or therapist to explore what they really mean. Otherwise, these thoughts are more common and “normal” than a three tiered wedding cake.

Did anything change between us? Yes. Absolutely. Everything. And nothing at all. Depends on how you look at it.

We have a committement to each other that is deeper, legal, and recognized as the ultimate in committment. We still talk about the same things, we still have the same jobs, we are the same people at heart. Marriage, however, feels special. Yes, some things are different, there is more cohesion and the government recognizes your property as shared.

I guess the chance that things will change is always out there. But, if you are open and honest about who you are before there are rings on your fingers and three-inch planning binders in your lap, chances are, you will be just as open and honest and work together just as well after the I-DO’s, the cake smashing and the kissing of old relatives who smell funny.

Some things about my wedding really surprised me and some things went exactly as I had planned.

I knew what the schedule was for the day and what to expect at certain moments and I knew that at precisely 5:00pm, my coordinator would come get me out of seclusion with my Dad and walk us to the point where I would walk down the aisle.

This happened. I don’t exactly remember anything I was thinking or anything we said to each other, but I know we walked out of the room, someone was holding the back of my dress and it was warm and sunny.

I heard my processional music start playing and it was very different from listening to it on my iPod. But, it meant one thing. Time to walk down the aisle.

I saw my guests, my friends, family and Marc, at the end of the aisle. I know now that I walked too fast - so, note to future brides: WALK SLOWLY. You only do that ONE time.

Then, before I knew it, we were in the midst of our ceremony, rings, wine, more wine, readings, and lots of things in Hebrew that I didn’t understand. Some sweating, mostly of the boob and ass nature. Broken glass, kiss, and DONE! Married! We turned around. The music started. We walked back down the aisle and that was it. Marc and I were married.

No one ever tells you that you will not actually see or really be there at your ceremony. You ARE the ceremony.

Had I known this? I wouldn’t have worried so much about where people were sitting and what they were doing. Also, I sort of missed not seeing it. Luckily, we had a friend who videotaped the ceremony for us. Otherwise, I’d never see it. If you don’t opt for a videographer (because, $$$) consider having someone who know film the ceremony, just so that you can watch it at a later time. You’ll never regret it!

It is Monday morning and I’m wondering what all the couple who got married this weekend, particularly yesterday, are doing today.

I got married on a Sunday in May and spent Monday having brunch with my in-laws and some guests. Some people who have a lot of out of town guests opt to have one more chance for family and friends to gather. Usually in the form of a brunch or an all-day-eating-stop-by-on-your-way-out-of-town kind of thing.

By no means is this necessary and if you choose to cater then you are realistically looking at a few more hundred dollars.

This can be a very nice time for the newlywed couple to actually relax and visit with some of their wedding guests. However, it can also just be one more major hurdle to cross before you get to the wonderous relaxation that is, your honeymoon.

My wedding is over.

I have been married for eleven days.

I have honeymooned and returned to the eye-ticking, irritating pace of having to go back to work tomorrow.

My wedding was very totally awesome! All my planning was well worthwhile. I had more fun that I ever expected to have. I ate my entire dinner. I danced a hell of a lot! There were kisses and hugs and dancing and the cake was so damn good - and you know so many times wedding cakes just taste like cardboard.

I am full of positive experiences and lessons learned and assvice from an amateur-turned-pro. No seriously. I’m not going to write about how I have had a wedding therefore I KNOW weddings. I am going to spend the next few weeks writing about my wedding, my planning experiences, my lessons learned, with the hope that it helps someone else. I will tell stories and post pictures and share my emotions of the day, the days before the wedding and the honeymoon - from planning it to what to expect and how much time to allow between international connections on American Airlines when traveling through Miami Airport. GOD.

Before my wedding I used certain days of the week to write certain topics and I wasn’t so thrilled with that. I’ve been feeling too confined and there were times when I wasn’t able to write what I wanted because I couldn’t make it work with a Trend or Tradition or Question-Answer.

I will leave you now with some pictures. If you are getting married before I am able to post of all of my lessons learned, most of all … have fun. I cannot emphasize this enough. And I know you are rolling your eyes at me because! Of course you will have fun at your wedding. In the hours leading up to your wedding, there is not much you can do. The flowers will or will not show up. The cake will or will not be delivered. Most likely, your guests are in town and are getting dressed for the event or taking a much needed nap. I suppose this all works well with careful pre-wedding planning.

I will also talk a lot about what people told me, especially the bold-lettered articles in all the seventeen pound magazines that consist of five hundred pages of advertisements and three articles that say: Make your wedding reflect your personal style and taste. What if you don’t know your personal style? I thought I did, but as time went on I learned a lot more about myself. I will share the details of what worked for me. Scheduling, vendor relationships, travel, timetables, family issues, ohmyholyhell, the family issues!

I am thrilled to be married. I really am. Marc and I spent at least three days calling each other “wife” and “husband”. We were giddy with what we had just done. We still are. Each day still feels sort of new. We have lived together for two years, owned a house together for six months, gotten pregnant a month before the wedding, but, this does feel new. There is a higher level of commitment and authority and respect and a whole new awesome sense of belonging to each other, our new family, and our old respective families. Speaking of the “new” … I will make sure I spend an entire entry on the issue of name changing. I am totally in the middle of changing my name right now. My new social security card is in the mail. My bank knows me as Stacy Kravitz. But, I can still deposit checks made out to Stacy Ochsman. WTF?

Oh! My ceremony. Amazing. Beautiful.

Surprises? Nothing bad I can think of.

Good? One of our best friends made a video of our entire ceremony and reception. We haven’t seen it yet, but we had no idea he was going to do this.

I have many details to share and hopefully, many readers to re-lure.

Pictures? Anyone…?

And finally … some of the fun,